I have been hiding for days, resting, dealing with some emotions, and avoiding social media, avoiding everything but myself and God really. I went camping with my husband for about three days but that didn't seem like a long enough break, I didn't feel strong enough or rested enough to come back yet, so I turned off all my notifications and just spent time with myself and God, refocusing and centering myself once more. For awhile now I have had difficulty writing, difficulty focusing, difficulty doing just about everything. I was totally burnt out, frazzled, exhausted and dazed; I didn't realize how bad it really was though until I took the time to stop and couldn't find the strength to start up again.
I had spent months pouring into someone, ministering to them, then visiting them in the hospital and taking care of their home as best I could with the work schedule I have and my other responsibilities. I spent 6 days a week caring for them or their home and pets, and 7 days a week talking to them on the phone 2-3 times a day, encouraging them and listening to them but it was never enough. I tried to be patient with them, loving as best I could, but right before our vacation I broke down. I could no longer take the verbal abuse or accusations against myself, and my parent's. I could no longer take agreeing with this person just to avoid having an argument with them because they are never wrong, even with proof to the contrary. I couldn't handle the weight of this person's misguided anger anymore, and I just simply broke. I walked out and I haven't heard from them since. Which has left me feeling absolutely guilty, disappointed in myself, and just plain lousy all around, all of which is part of why I've been away.
I asked for advice and prayer about this situation from my husband and friends, who all encouraged me that I did the right thing, that it was okay to walk away from someone treating me that way. But another side of my brain has been tormenting me about my actions. It tells me how wrong and unloving I was to walk away from someone in this position, someone so vulnerable, someone so alone, someone so clearly in need of love but was pushing everyone away. I have gone back and forth, and over this situation a 100 times it feels like, I have prayed about it repeatedly in the last 10 days, and I have come to a place now where I realized that my husband and friends were right I needed to walk away, but that doesn't mean that I have to stop showing this person I care.
After days of praying and thinking about things in seclusion with no distractions, dealing with my own heart and rebuilding my broken spirit I have come to a place where I am at peace with my actions because they have brought me peace. I don't feel completely exhausted anymore and I can finally write and think again because I am not overwhelmed by stress and emotional hurt. This morning for the first time in a while I woke up with a clear course of action in mind and confidence in it. I decided that even though they are angry with me still for leaving and ending our visit abruptly I will send them card and let them know I am still thinking about, praying for, and loving them. I want them to see that some people are going to love them unconditionally, that some people will love them even when they push us away. I am hoping that this small show of caring touches their heart, that maybe somehow they can start to understand real love, and that maybe what seemed like a failure to me almost a fortnight ago, could really be used to bring this person one step closer to knowing Jesus.
I don't know what verses to add today, I didn't pull any of this from scripture today, this is just my heart plain and simple and the things I have been dealing with these last couple of weeks and since February really, but I think I will put verses of hope here today because today I am again hopeful. This is just where spending time in prayer, spending time alone with God has gotten me. I am at a place right now where I see that I did what I had to do to protect myself emotionally, and now that I am feeling stronger again I can slowly start to show this person I still love them through acts of kindness. I shared this today, because it's what is on my heart, what has been on my heart for awhile, I don't know if it helps anyone, or encourages anyone else, but I felt like I should share what I've been dealing with anyway, and where the Lord has brought me with it. I pray for you brother's and sister's, be a light to those in darkness, be the hope and love we were meant to be, and lean into the Father as trouble arises. Be blessed, in Jesus name.
Psalm 43:5
Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God
Psalm 71:14
But I will hope continually and will praise you yet more and more
Romans 12:12
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer
1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.
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