Thursday, January 30, 2014

Taking A Risk

     It's a risk, but so is everything else in life. Deciding to go forward with a small business is going to be challenge, and to be honest we don't know much about starting a business, but we have a good idea and I feel all the way through my soul that its going to work. And not only work, but succeed! I probably sound a little over the top, and maybe even silly, but isn't that how most successful people start out? With a good idea, enthusiasism, determination, and dreams of success?
     I'm so crazy I don't doubt for a second that it'll work! I believe in our idea, and I know if we put the work in it won't be long before it pays off. I have believed since early on in our relationship that my husband and I wouldn't spend our lives working minimum wage jobs and getting by. I have always felt we were meant for more, that we would be successful and be able to raise our family in a nice house, and have nice cars. That's where I see myself in 5 years. I believe it!
     I know it won't be easy though, nothing worth having in life ever is, but it doesn't have to be easy, it just has to happen! And it will!
     I am a firm believer that if you want something bad enough to go out there and work your ass off for it God will grant you the desires of your heart. And not only what you desire, but more. I've seen it happen, and I think a lot of what's happened since I met my husband has happened to lead to this point, to where we are now and what we are preparing ourselves to do. I can see it all in my head now so clearly like a road map from the beginning to now, and beyond. I trust God, and I know He feels we can handle this because He never gives us more than we can handle, even though sometimes it doesn't feel that way.
      Today I completed step one in our mission for our business, I figured out what the steps of starting a business are! Now I need to research how to write a proposal to take to a bank, and all the things we need to know to get licensed. This is going to be a big project, but I'm so glad that I have my creative and talented husband +Nicholas Thorn to help me do this all! Wish us luck G+!

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares The Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

The Spirit Speaks

    Yesterday I talked about feeling chaotic inside, today is quite different. The chaos has departed, for now, and I KNOW what needs to be done, and what course to take. I also know it won't be easy at first, but it'll be worth it. It means putting some other things on hold for awhile, but it'll make them all the more special when it does happens. It means struggling now to have the life we want later; and knowing that God always will provide for us in His timing.
     There have been times in my life where I knew for certain that God was telling me what I had to do, I knew without doubt that it was His voice and His will. And in those times I have always tried to follow, and was always blessed for my obedience. It's never been easy to obey though. It's really hard, and heart breaking. Sometimes it's been letting people go, or having to do things outside my comfort zone, but it's always worth it.
     This was one of those things. God has told me in no uncertain terms what to do, and how long the struggle will last, now is the time to follow. Now is time to put in the work and bend down before my God in gratitude! I know the path to take and that clarity is a blessing!
      I realize to some this might sound like I'm a little crazy or delusional, but to honest I don't care. If it is delusions then fine, but the last time I followed a delusion that felt this way it gave me a chance to say good-bye to grandfather the day he died. So I'll go with this feeling, it's never led me wrong before. When God whispers to your spirit listen, when he shouts to your soul obey, trust Him always!

Joshua 1:9
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for The Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Chaos Inside

     I've been praying a lot lately for guidance, pretty much everyday. There's a battle raging inside and I can't figure out what's winning. I know that if I hold onto faith and listen to the spirit that this chaos will bear fruit, and lead into something great. But I struggle with chaos.
     Chaos and indecision are my enemies. I am a make up your mind and go for it person. I wasn't always, but it's a trait that developed in me out of frustration and chaos, there's that fruit I was talking about. Each battle and internal conflict I have gone through has built me into a better, stronger person, and has taken me to places I never imagined!
      But I find it unsettling when I feel the spirit stirring inside me and I don't understand how to determine what it is calling me to do. Like, for example, I want to start a family and buy a house. These are things my husband and I have wanted to do for years, and we agree that ultimately this is what we want. I know The Lord is setting us on a path for big changes and big things this year, I am CERTAIN of that. But there's this whispering that has started inside me, that keeps saying now is not the time for these things.
      We've been talking a lot lately about starting a business. I have a good paying job now, and he has a brilliant mind for business, he just doesn't like being responsible for someone else's store. Part of me feels very drawn to this, I have always told him I believe he could be very successful and happy running his own business, but we are uncertain as to whether the oppurtunity we want to take is going to work due to changing laws where we live. But through research I have found that it can be done in other places. Is this what we are being called to? Should we consider moving? It is something we both have always wanted, but all my family is here and we depend on each other a lot. But I feel like if we stay here we will trapped here and I've known since I was a little girl this is not where I am meant to spend my whole life.
      So much confusion and no clear answers. I am relying on faith to tell us where to go. I feel that this year will reveal a lot to us, and in its progression we will discover the path we need to take. God will guide us. Despite the chaos I have a sense that we will not be wasting another year of our lives figuring out what we want, this year will make the course of our lives clear. I guess what I really need is patience to endure the chaos until the fruit is ready.

James 5 10-11
10 brothers and sisters, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of The Lord. 11 as you know we count as blessed those who have perserved. You have heard of Job's perservance and seen what The Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.

Monday, January 27, 2014

A Woman of Inspiration

     We all have role models, we all look up to someone and want to be like them in someway, for a Christian that should first and foremost be Jesus, but I know that for my self and others we also look up to people who keep us inspired in our faith and help us to walk the narrow road, whether it be a speaker, teacher, or relative. A while back, before I really came to God, I realized I was letting down the person who looked up to me most.
       My little sister has had my heart from before I ever held her in my arms, while my mom was still pregnant with her I read her stories at night so my mom could rest without the baby moving and kicking so much. Eventually when my sister could talk she started to say things to me like "Sissy, when I grow up I wanna be just like you" or "Sissy you're the best sister, I hope I am like you someday." By this time I had been carried away in my rebellion against God and I knew in my heart I wasn't being a good role model for her and I honestly wasn't as good to her as I should have been or even truly as I wanted to be. At this time I wasn't a person I would have wanted her to grow up to be like, I was unhappy, selfish and living a life contrary to who I was in a desperate attempt to keep up with people who I thought were my friends. Each time I heard her words it cut me deeper, convicting me more and more that I wanted to change for her and me. But I wasn't sure how, I just knew I needed to change my life, so I started by praying.
     Shortly after this God put a man in my life who could help me to change for the better. With God's help Nick taught me to be happier and he appreciated me for who I was at my heart, he accepted me for where I was at in my life, but saw the potential in who I am at my core and helped to bring it to the surface. Slowly because of this support I started to make better choices and to become a better person, a person that I was increasingly proud of, one that I liked and one that I felt like was a good role model for my little sister. I still needed more work though, and I needed someone to look up to also, someone I see myself in and say, 'I want to be like that, I want to trust God like they did.'
      In truth, God had already provided that for me and as I started aligning my life back with Him I again found the inspiration I needed in my grandmothers. These two hard working, God fearing, loving women left me a legacy of love and faith and who as I came to know Christ and the Bible better reminded me of the 'Wife of noble character' described in Proverbs 31 10- 31. I decided then that this was the woman I intended to be, a wife of noble character, a woman who was a source of inspiration to others and shined God's light wherever she went. I have since often checked this scripture and compared it to myself, praying for God's help to be perfected and refined into a woman of noble character, a woman who shows others who Yeshua is. I am nowhere near perfect at this, I fail often. But I am trying and I believe that this is the kind of woman God wants me to be. I am no longer ashamed by who I am or the lifestyle I'm leading and I would count myself blessed if my sister and perhaps a daughter someday, did actually follow in my present course.
     I may not always live up to the character of a noble wife in Proverbs 31 or the women who inspired me, I don't always walk as Jesus would have but I am finally leading a lifestyle that I feel is pleasing and honoring God. I feel as though I honor my husband, and that I can be proud of how far I've come and what obstacles I have had to overcome to get here, but mostly I am grateful to God for the opportunity I have to be a woman of inspiration to my sister, and the women who inspired me. I am grateful for a savior who died for me and a God who loves me so much that He brought me out of my wretched state into the light. Be Blessed.

Proverbs 31 10-31
 
Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character
 
10 A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
 
 
 
 
 


Sunday, January 26, 2014

Letting go and Accepting it

     Some people will leave a mark on our life that will never be erased. For a long time I have struggled with wanting to repair a friendship that I have to admit now, ended a long time ago. It was the kind of once in a lifetime friendship that's so hard to let go off. We were the best of friends, the kind where you could just feel what the other was thinking and knew exactly how to make them better. But some time after high school I wrecked it.
      I didn't realize it at the time, but I did. I picked the wrong friend when things got tough and weird.  I screwed up and paid for it dearly. I choose excitement over true friendship, now I see that. But eventually we decided we wanted to try again and be friends, when we tried to repair things though, we couldn't let go of the mistakes of the past and whenever we got together there was just a lot of tension. I felt guilty and she was still hurt and angry, and rightfully so. But we remained friends on Facebook. I was really happy about that. I loved to see her doing well, I sincerely took joy in her successes and I hope she continues to do well. She's a good person and deserves to be blessed!
      The other day though I noticed I wasn't getting updates from her anymore, so I checked my friends list and she was gone. She had unfriended and blocked me sometime in the last two weeks. It really hurt. I don't know why this happened, but I'm deciding to just accept this. I'm not going to chase after her again and try to repair things anymore. I still and always will love her as one of the best friends I ever had, but I am accepting its time to move on. This door is closed, and God has something else for us both in our future.
     Even as I write this I am still hurt, and I will miss being able to know she is well but I am putting my faith in God. I know He loves us both, and though the chapter in our lives where we know and need each other is over, I know he has great plans for us both! My heart is broken for the moment but I know it soon will be healed. Thank God for His comforts. And thank Him for the things to come in the future!

2 Corinthains 1:4
He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.

Friday, January 24, 2014

ASMR --- Head Tingles

     Have you ever heard a sound or had skin to skin contact with someone and that odd feeling of relaxation mixed with head tingles? Do certain voices or accents put you in a state of calm? And have you been afraid or embarrassed to talk about it?
     I have had 'head tingles' most of my life, triggered by simple things like the sound of certain people talking, whispers in my ears, personal attention, tapping, and the list goes on. I never knew what it was or why these certain things gave me such a pleasurable response. Sometimes the tingles would be so strong that it wouldn't be just my head but would flow through my whole body. At the age of 23, with the help of the Internet I finally decided to find out what these tingles were and why I got them.
      In October 2012 I found a website describing ASMR or Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response. It talked about how there is little known about ASMR, but that many people have it...or experience it, things aren't quite clear yet about it, more research needs to be done. I was relieved to know though that I wasn't alone or a freak. Through this website I found out that there was a whole ASMR community, and thousands of trigger videos on YouTube. I immediately sought them out!
     The first video I watched was made by +RelaxingASMR, it was just his hands and his voice as he drew with some tools he had needed for school many years ago. I had never felt so many tingles before! I was so relaxed that I nearly fell asleep! Later that month, after watching probably 20 of his videos I started seeking out other ASMR artist. I found the queen of ASMR! Ilse or +TheWaterwhispers quickly became my favorite! Her Dutch accent and calm voice puts me in such a state of relaxation that it had become my habit to watch at least one of her videos a day to help manage my stress levels.
     Ok, now that I have shared how I discovered ASMR and a little of what it is  or what is known (honestly there is so much more I could share but my time at the moment is limited) I will tell you why I shared this. There is so much stress, and darkness, anxiety, and depression in this world that I wanted to share something I use to combat it and maybe help someone else. I have suffered for a long time from insomina and depression and anxiety, and I have to say watching these videos, and learning my triggers has helped so much! Even if you don't experience head tingles these couple of ASMR artist might be able to help you relax a little, and if you get head tingles they can probably help a lot! There are many, many ASMR artist all you have to do is type it into YouTube and you'll get tons, these are just my two favorites that I mentioned.
     I hope this post helps someone out there, and please feel free to comment here if you have questions about ASMR, I'll send you links. I have to go now and I think I'll close out this blog post the way Ilse does, (I'm not sure how often she uses this because honestly I'm usually asleep before the end!) but anyway tingle along... :)

Thursday, January 23, 2014

It's all perspective

     Another below freezing, snowy day in Pennsylvania, USA and going to work was something I dreaded. I hate driving in the dark on slick roads. But as I was leaving, early because of weather conditions, I thought about how instead of complaining that I had to go out in the cold I should be glad I have a job, reliable transportation, and that I wasn't out in the cold all night! I beat back my complaints and went to work with a smile on my face and Klove on my radio.
     After about ten minutes on the roads that hadn't seen a plow yet the dark foreboding thoughts came back, you'll never make it on time,  it's your first week and your gonna be late, better watch that bad bend you can slide right off the road like you did before. These thoughts kept swirling in my mind and I could feel fear building inside me. But then I started to pray, I started to argue back the thoughts. I told myself that I am a much better driver than I was, that I had a better, safer vehicle, better tires, and most importantly God, a God who has some plans for my life and had brought me to this new job and the security if offered, He wasn't about to let anything happen to screw it up now.
     As I fought back my fears I started to feel more confident, then a turned carefully onto a road and found myself behind the salt truck and plow! I was able to follow it most of my way to work, and when it finally turned off all the rest of the roads were clear, and salted! I couldn't believe how lucky, really how blessed I was!
     It seems to me the more I stand against fear and take the perspective of I have a God who will provide the more I see these little miracles, these little blessings. The more I decide to take on an attitude of happiness and gratitude the more His love is seen in my life. I'm really starting to realize it's all about perspective, you can focus in on the negative and let that control you or you can choose to focus on God's shining light and let that bless you.

Psalms 27:3-5

3Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.
4One thing I ask from theLord,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of theLord
and to seek him in his temple.
5For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

2 months, thanks so much! :)

     Today is two months since I started this blog, and I am so happy! I never imagined that blogging would connect me with new friends and positive, up lifting communities that have helped me so much! I am grateful to my 211 followers for their support! And so pleased  that I not only have an outlet for my stories and thoughts but have been building connections with do many understanding and like minded people. Thank you for all 1,530 views! I never thought this would grow so fast!
     The most important people I want to thank are my Heavenly Father for his guidance, and my wonderful husband +Nicholas Thorn for his support. He sees me in a way I cannot and is constantly building me up!
     Thank you to anyone reading this! I hope to post another blog later today and hopefully another short story this week. I have something in the works now but wanted to take time to extend my gratitude first. God bless!

Colossians 3:16
Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through Psalms, hymns, and songs from the spirit singing to God with gratitude in your hearts.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

When it's Right

     I just had a young friend ask me about love, the advice I gave her sums up in this: when it's right he is patient. Real love does not force you. If he loves you he will wait until you are comfortable, and always be respectful of you. This what I have learned from experience, and ladies I'm not talking about sex specifically but in all areas of love, dating, and marriage; as I would hope you would be patient and understanding with him.
     I married the only man who showed me this, every step of the way during our courtship he asked permission so as not to make me uncomfortable. I had never been shown such respect before by anyone else I dated. I knew he loved me by the respect he showed me not by the words he said, though they were usually pretty wonderful words too. He earned my trust by being constantly aware and concerned for my well-being.  He never pushed or threatened. He simply waited patiently until I was ready to take that step in our relationship, even simple things like holding my hand or kissing me. He would ask, and wait patiently until I was ready too.
     A true love will not force you into uncomfortable situations, they won't make you feel guilty or wrong that you aren't ready for what they are. They will allow you to progress at a rate that is comfortable for you and be loving and supportive during that time. Don't ever allow yourself to give in because you think you are in love or that the only way they will love you back is if you do it what they want, that is not love! If you are only going to take a step to the next level  to make them love you, or because they say its the only way to prove your love for them, walk away. They will not love you because you give in, and they won't respect you either, they are only thinking about themselves and their wants.
      On the same note, do not pressure your partner to be the man or person you want them to, that is not love either. Instead pray for them, pray with them! Pray for God's blessings and guidance in your romantic journey together and to be the men and women God intended you to be. 

1 Corinthians  13:4
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.


Monday, January 20, 2014

Focused on the future

     In the past couple of months I have made some big changes. I have changed jobs, churches, and started to really focus on what I want in life and started taking steps towards those goals. I have become really driven and ambitious to achieve my goals, and keep my weight at a healthy level. I have to say the teenage girl I was would not believe the 25 year old women she became, especially with parents and teachers calling her lazy. Lazy, I can say with all certainity I am not.
     I am seeing amazing changes in my personality due to the changes I have made, I still have really down and depressed days, but they don't seem to be as frequent or sereve. And besides my mood, I have been really confident lately! Confidence is something that my classmates made sure to strip me of in school, but my husband helped me to repair, and lately has grown! I am starting to be really happy with who I am as an individual. And making daily practice of my steps to deter negative emotions is really helping to not allow a fleeting frustration to ruin my whole out look on the day.
      All of these improvements on myself have allowed me to keep focused. I am ready to step into my destiny and I am working at it day by day. I am trying to look at each day as a success, and each success as one day closer to the future. Somethings I know will take time,  patience, and prayer to acheive like profit from my blog, boutique, and books or buying a house and starting a family. But we all had to crawl before we could walk or run! I will not give up!
      I believe I can acheive my goals, I believe God has given me the ability and potential to acheive them. I just need to keep focus on the future, but I cannot forget to thank Him for what he has already provided! My new job, reliable cars, a house that we rent, a sweet loving cat, a reliable family, and most especially my wonderful supportive husband! I am blessed, and it's about time I realize it! I am no longer the hurting, angry, scared  little girl, I am a confident woman of God focused on serving my Father and a happy future!

1 Peter 4:13
But rejoice in as much as you participate on the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Taking control of your moods

      I will be very blunt and use some language uncharacteristic of me, I woke up a bitch this morning! I just woke up really angry and frustrated today. But that's not the way I want to be. I've had a really good weekend with my husband, and I managed to work on my blog, and my boutique. After this post I'm hoping to work on my book some more, too. Wow, actually just thinking of what I've accomplished so far and what I still want have to do has calmed me down some. That's exactly why I wanted to write this in the blog right now.
     I find emotions are often misleading, and sometimes can take you over completely by surprise. Like waking up angry this morning, or in fear or sadness. I don't depend on my emotions to dictate  my actions anymore. They are too fleeting and unreliable. I always temper what I am feeling with logic (e.i. I ask myself is there a reason to feel this way) so that I am not overreacting or acting irrationally. Some emotions I believe are good to give into completely and openly, but most need to be examined before letting them run wild.
     Today when I examined how I was feeling I found no just cause for those emotions. No one had hurt me or done me wrong, I just simply woke up angry. So now I am changing my mood. I will not allow this emotion to rule my day and possibly ruin it by being unintentionally cruel to someone I love. First step to the change is done, examining the emotion. Second is to change my pattern of thinking. This is the hard part because my mind is making angry thoughts. That's why I am writing this and broke down my accomplishments in the first paragraph. If I take the focus off how I feel and put it on something else it becomes easier to ignore the emotion. Next step is to do something that makes me feel good, that's why I will be making some tea and writing in my book. The fourth step is a quote I hear used a lot, 'fake it till you make it' this is where I make a concentrated effort to feel happy or at least appear happy until I actually feel that way. The final step is to pray, ask God for guidance and control over these rogue feeling so that you can be at peace, and thank Him for being with you.
     I have found that these steps are good to combat anxiety too, along with exercise of any kind. I think it's because anxiety is also based on a negative emotion, fear.  I know it's harder for some than others but with a lot of work and practice it can be done. When I first started trying to control my emotional waves its was really hard, but I am finding its easier now because I know I have to start as soon as I realize that I am feeling unfounded negativity. The sooner I start fighting back to feel the way I want, the sooner I start to feel happy again and the more things I have to be happy about. Happiness is a choice. I choice to live happy.

Lamentations 3:17
I have been deprived of peace; I have forgotten what posterity is.

Acts 14:17
Yet he has not left himself without testimony; he has shown kindness by giving you rain from heaven and crops in their season; he provides you with plenty of food and fills your hearts with joy.

Friday, January 17, 2014

Work from Home Mum

       Today I am happy to be leaving home and going to work for someone else. But I realize that there is a time that is fast approaching where I won't want to do that anymore. I know myself well enough to know that I could never be content as a house wife depending on my husband to provide solely for the family and lets be realistic, today in the US, thats pretty much inpossible, we need two incomes. And besides that, I need to make my own money. I need to feel as though I am contributing to the financial goals of my family. But I also know in my heart of hearts that I will not want to leave my child to care for someone else's, I know I am going to want to focus on my child. I know I will want to be with my baby and give them my undivided attention.
     A lot of women just accept that leaving and going to work is a neccasary thing. But that's not good enough for me. I know what I want and need to be happy. I believe that God can make it happen for me, but I need to put in the hard work, I need to be persistent. I need to pray and believe that if He put the desire and dream in my heart He will help me achieve it.
     So what's my plan? How am I going to work from home? How can that be possible to make enough to stay home? How can I replace my current income that I make as a nanny?
     Well, currently I'm working on this blog. This is one part of my plan. And since I'm not even expecting yet I have sometime to start collecting income from it, and build an audience. I also have my jewelry boutique, www.jennsjewelry1.kitsylane.com, this is also in the building process. I am currently making a small amount here and there off commission from this website. That's part two. Part three, publishing my books. I plan on publishing at least two books this year, one a collection of short stories that I have shared condensed versions of here, and the other a romance novel that I am working on. And if that's not enough I can always babysit a couple kids in my home. But I am hoping that I won't have to do that, this is my back up source of income. Part four of my plan is paying off ALL of my debt before we have a baby.
     I believe if I combine all of these, and work hard on them now before I even get pregnant that by the time I have the baby that it could be enough. I believe this because I know God, like all fathers, wants His children to be happy. He wants us to have what we desire, we just have to be willing to work for it, and appreciatitive of it. So with all that I am doing now, I thank Him. I thank Him for the dream, the opportunities, the support I have been provided with, and His blessing in achieving it. I really believe I can be a work from home mum, and that I can have the life I dream about.


Matthew 21:22
If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

One day to live for over for the rest of my life

     I had an interesting thought earlier while watching a cartoon with the children I care for. If I could live one day over and over again what would it be? I took some time thinking over some of my favorite memories. I invite anyone reading this to please do the same and share what you come up with me, I'm curious to see the responses.
     For me I think it would be the day my husband and I were in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. It was so neat to see a city in another country, something I always wanted to do. But that is not the only  reason why I picked this day. We had a crazy adventure that day, we got lost walking around in the city and thankfully met plenty of nice and helpful people which were able to give us directions and  provided an opportunity to see and experience so much. We had the best Asian food at a restaurant there and got to check out so many neat shops. We had a beautiful hotel room too! Probably the nicest I've ever been in. But the best thing was I was with the man I love most in this world, we were together almost every moment of that day, we were safe, and despite being lost we weren't afraid.
     So that's my day I'd love to repeat, what's yours?

Monday, January 13, 2014

Happiness is....

     Being happy means different things to different people, we all know this. And for me it means being able to provide a living for me and my family, ideally from home. I know a lot of people feel the same. So what makes me different? Why should this dream come true for me and not others? Because I am determined and motivated to make it happen! Because I believe it can happen for me!
     I don't expect to get rich, but I do expect to succeed at my goals and make a modest income from home. I don't know how it's going to happen yet. I don't know if it will be my stories, my blogs, my boutique, or a combination of all three but I KNOW it will happen. I don't doubt it, I thank God for it now before even receiving it. I believe in this dream, and the responses I have had to my stories and blog post give me hope.
     God provides all our needs, and I believe this also includes happiness. Not the fleeting happiness of something new but the lasting happiness of being satisfied in life.  Until recently I wasn't satisfied with life. I was denying the dream I have and instead just doing what I was supposed to do to pay the bills. But lately, since I started this blog, I have felt a shift in my life. I am working at my dream and it makes me happy. I am believing that I can succeed in my goals, and I am growing to be more confident in myself and most importantly God.
     I wasn't satisfied with my life before I started this. I was grateful for what I had, but didn't see the future allowing for what I really wanted and it made me feel low, unmotivated, depressed, and unsatisfied. Now I am not only grateful for what I have but I am satisfied with what I am doing. I think I am happier now because I am doing what I have always wanted, what feels natural and good to me. I am happier now because I am not begging God to make a way for me, instead I am allowing myself to do what He designed me to do.
        I think I just realized what happiness truly is. It's not getting what we want, or learning to be satisfied with what the world says is enough. It's following God in all we do, giving Him all the glory, and doing what He designed us to do. His path for each of us is different, but when we do what we were meant to do we can lead a happy and satisfying life!

Romans 8:28
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.

Psalms 138:8
The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Hope in Suffering

     I had a kind of epiphany last night, I realized there is hope in suffering because determination during suffering bears fruit. I realized this when I thought back on my life and realized that any period of suffering I endured and made through without losing faith I received blessings that where more than my initial hope.  I have seen this in others lives too, when struggling they would hold on to their faith, believe that God would provide what they needed or wanted, and eventually it would come in a way bigger than ever imagined and usually just in the nick of time.
     I am coming to realize that God allows us to suffer in order to prepare us for the blessings.  Without the suffering the true value of the blessing could be lost. I am not saying He causes the suffering, suffering does not come from God, but he will allow us to endure it for the greater good. He will take that suffering, if we give it to Him, and allow it to refine our faith, and when it's needed most He will unleash the blessing on us and end the period suffering.
      The more I thought about this concept, and how I have seen it in my life and others, the more hope I got. I have hope in suffering. Hope that despite the circumstances of the moment He will work it all out for the greater good if I just keep faith, if I just keep going, if I just keep loving and serving  Him. If I do not let the suffering blind me from His love, there will be a blessing. It may not be what I expected, but it will be what I needed most.
      There is hope in suffering because God is watching and waiting for the perfect time to bring you out of it.

Romans 8:18
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is about to be revealed to us.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Inseparable

     Five years together and the hardest thing in our relationship is being apart. I don't know of anyone else who has this kind of marriage, where there is an incredible need to be with our spouse. I never fully enjoy anything without him, it's always like something is missing, a part of me isn't there if he isn't too. This probably makes me sound like a crazy dependent freak, and that might be right, but at least I know he feels the same.
     We always talk about how great life would be if we could just be home together all the time, and it's really true. After being off work for almost a month and spending about half of it being with him steadily I really wish we could spend our life at home together. I truly believe it would be much better than when we are working apart from each other. But knowing that and achieving it are two different things. How do you get from 'I know this would make us happy' to 'this is reality.'
     I trust God to work all things out in time, in His perfect timing if it be His will, if it truly is what's best for us. In the mean time I know that we are both better and stronger people together. Dependent on each other, but each struggling our own battle with depression, and anxiety, something that lessens when we are together. I know in my heart that finding a way where we could support ourselves from home would be the best thing for us, but how? How does this go from dream to reality without a direction?
      God knows, and I am trusting Him. I will work and look for opportunities, and take what I have now and use it the best way I can. God will make a way for what is best for us at the best time for us. In faith I stand believing for my dreams, but trusting in His will.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plan I have for you, declares The Lord  plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Thank You!

    Wow! I got on to my blog this morning and was blown away! 1,000 views! I can't believe the response I have had and I am so grateful, and humbled by it. I truly believe that this is less a reflection on me than it is on God. I decided when I started this blog that I would leave it in His hands and allow Him to use it in accordance with His will. I am so pleased with what has happened in myself and on this page since then. I am pleased with the response and blessed to have met so many wonderful people since starting this.
      I never realized that following my dream by writing a book, and working on a blog, actively writing in it almost everyday, would be such a freeing experience and confidence boost. I never realized what this would do to combat my depression, and build my self-esteem. Thank you to all my google+ friends. Thank you to my family and friends who have taken time out of their busy schedules to read this. And most of all thank God for the unexpected blessing this has been! I hope things continue on like this.


May God be gracious to us and bless us and make His face shine upon us, that your ways may be known on earth, your salvation among all nations.
Psalms 67:1-2

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Happy Accident

   Something unusual happened; I realized at some point in December that my checkbook was off, I am obsessive about keeping track of my finances so this was really odd. It was off by almost $200, and in a good way, $200 more than I thought I had. I always leave a little extra in my account than I put in my checkbook, but that was way more extra than I keep typically.
     Finally got my bank statement today, and pulled out some from the past couple months and tried to figure out what exactly I did. It took a awhile but I got it figured out. Somehow I forgot to mark down a deposit I made in November, which is odd because I'm the person in the car at the bank parking lot writing it in my checkbook before I leave usually. I have never made a mistake like that before. But I'm glad I did! A happy accident or blessing I'll take it! God always provides, and this 'extra' money I found in my account will certainly get me to my next paycheck without a problem!! Thank God for His supply!!

Philippians 4:19
But my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.


Wednesday, January 8, 2014

First day on the job

   First day at a new job is usually a very anxious day, especially before going in, but to my surprise I was not very anxious today. And the day went smoothly. I was very surprised this morning when I realized that I had slept all night without my usual stress dreams. I hope this is a good sign for my future.
     A new year, a new job, and a new budget. This year I hope to get out of debt, and it actually seems possible with this new budget. I'm so glad I took this job! I was happy at my old job, but when this opportunity presented itself I felt an urging to go for it. It took time, planning, and a transition, but now that it's here I am so happy!
     I'm glad I followed my guts on this, I am glad that I prayed. I trusted God with the situation and I can already tell that He has blessed me in my employment. I am so thankful that today went well. I am so grateful that this new job seems like it will go well. God is amazing!

1 John 5:14-15
This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us - whatever we ask- we know that we have what we asked of Him.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Below freezing

     Right now I am huddled under a blanket in front of a heating vent waiting on my tea. It's 7 degrees below the freezing point here right now. I am so grateful that I have a warm house right now, so grateful to have hot tea to drink and food in my belly. But I just keep thinking of those without that today. It's so cold and I know there are homeless out there near by, I see them when I go to the grocery store sometimes. I can't imagine being out there. I pray for them today, I hope they are able to find shelter and warmth, I know several are set up in the area.
     I hope that everyone having to be out there from one circumstance or another is able to to get warm and stay warm. The thought of anyone being out in this weather saddens me. It's dangerously cold outside.
     Despite the cold weather I think today is going to be a good day. For the first time in a long while, weeks, I feel up. I feel truly good, and confident. I'm going to hold onto this feeling for as long as I can! And try to figure what I can do to be this way more often. Thank God for the good days, and be with those in need.

2 Peter 3:9 God is not slow respecting his promise, as some people consider slowness, but he is patient with you because he does not desire any to be destroyed but desires all to attain repentance.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Starting Fresh

     Everyday is a new chance at life, and that's true but sometimes it's hard to let go of yesterday, especially the bad stuff. Why is it so hard to shut out? Why do my mistakes haunt me in my quiet moments and thoughts? I have been trying very hard to push yesterday out so I can start new today.
     I have struggled with this everyday for as long as I can remember. But it's a new day and  once more I'm trying again to take control of my mind. I have a life that's worth living. I have a good job, a husband who wants to start a family of our own, a big family who's always there to help us out, and most importantly a relationship with God.
      One of my favorite verses that I say all the time is Philippians 4:13 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me' it's my mantra. I must have to say it a hundred times a day, sometimes I just repeat it over and over again until I feel better. Dealing with depression is hard but I'm starting to realize what I've been telling my husband is true, you have to believe you can beat to actually beat it. Although, I take great comfort in that verse I'm sitting here wondering if I ever really, deep in my heart believed He could heal me of depression or if I  just hoped it.
     I want to start fresh, starting today. I want to throw myself into healing. I want to figure out my plan for happiness and go at it with vigor! Because I have the tools to get better, I have the desire, the support, and God who loves me greatly. I declare that this year I will beat depression for good, and I will start living happy!

Ecclesiastes 3:12
I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy, and do good while they live.

Friday, January 3, 2014

Vacationing

     The only part of being on a vacation or over night stay somewhere is unpacking. Ugh, I hate unpacking. But at least I get help, I feel pretty relaxed right now. Despite the 3 inches of snow out there it's been nice to get away with my husband and do something different. It was surely needed.
     And now it's the start of the weekend, so we still get to be together. Life is so much easier when I have him with me. I always say that I wish there was a away we could either work together in business as partners or both work from home. But sadly no such opportunity has presented itself. So instead we live all day to get to the evening when we can be together again.
     That's why vacations are so good for us. We don't have to just get through the day, we get to live all day the way we enjoy life best, together. And it's fun to go somewhere new and different. This time we went to a lodge in a state park near the state we live in. It was so nice! The view from our room looks out on an icy lake, and the view from our door (if you overlook the parking lot) is woods. It's a perfect vacation spot, pretty scenery, good food, and not too many guest.
       Last night on our way to dinner we even saw a deer on the side of the road eating, Nick took some awesome pictures of it! I can't wait to print them off and hang them up! That's one of my favorite things after a trip, printing pictures. Nick is a gifted photographer and I keep an album with his pictures, and also hang tons on our walls too. It's wonderful to be able to to display and keep our memories like that. It's one of my favorite parts about vacationing. Time to pack up to leave...


In these days he went out to the mountain to pray, and all night he continued in prayer to God.
  Luke 6:12