This morning I sat down to type but only got frustrated. I couldn't focus, I felt like I was in chaos, but I tried my best to resist the flesh and not get upset about it. Instead I tried listening to worship music, reading a devotional with the twins I care for, and a lot of praying. I prayed most of the morning, but it didn't feel like enough. So, then I got out my prayer journal and began writing to God. I don't know why it is, but sometimes that's the easiest way for me to communicate, even with God. As I wrote out my problems and my praise, as I took my heart to the Lord peace started to settle on me, and I realized some of what had been causing me that chaotic feeling.
This morning I re-shared a post that I had written a while back about how to know if you were in God's will or not. I didn't know it then but this post was something I needed reminded of. When Nick and I first saw the house we are buying in life and not just in pictures, we knew it was ours. I was confident of that, it felt right. But we had asked several people we trusted to pray with us for confirmation anyway, we didn't want to step out of God's will and felt the counsel of many would either re-affirm us or re-direct us. Almost everybody came back with the same words "it's a gift from the Lord" which was something that our agent had randomly said to me too at one point. One person contradicted that word, and I told them since I had had confirmation opposing what they said I would continue to seek the Lord on that, but precede as was until I knew for sure, not wanting to back out of deal without being certain, they seemed angry, but I felt sure that was the right thing to do.
I continued to seek the Lord, and over and over again was given the same messages I had been receiving "It's a gift from the Lord" "You're walking into your inheritance," but this other person's words have been plaguing my mind and causing me to doubt. Everyday I have been seeking the Lord asking Him to settle things for me, as if He hadn't already been doing that. This morning the chaos felt like more than I could bare. I wanted to cry, I felt peace and chaos struggling inside and I just wanted to hear His voice so I knew with certainty and could let go of whatever was wrong. Suddenly I realized I had been focusing on the contradicting word instead of the confirmation I was receiving, and I allowed that doubt to steal my joy and praise, I allowed it to take my focus off what God was doing and began looking for signs that everything was going to fall apart. When I re-read my earlier post from today about discerning His voice, and peace in His purpose, I realized I had known the truth all along, I felt it from the start, but had let one voice cause me to doubt myself, the people I trusted, and the words I was receiving from God. I had allowed doubt to take root in my heart and it had led me into chaos. Now, I am again feeling confident, certain of our course and buying this house. I again feel settled and joyous as we move closer everyday to our closing date and I give God all the glory for that.
I decided to share this struggle with you today because I think most of us have experienced this at some point. We receive a word, or a promised blessing, and as we wait, doubt sets in; much like Sarah and Abraham with their promise. Sometimes we let that doubt become bigger than the promise like I did and it causes inner chaos. All I can really say about that is, when it happens, seek the Lord but make sure you're listening too, make sure you are discerning, and make sure there is peace and confidence in your soul about what you are doing. The Lord will take you places you are uncomfortable with, He will ask you to do hard things, and it's natural to doubt, but He will also strengthen you as you go and He will give you confidence in your course and not let you journey alone. He is the lamp unto our feet, a light on our path, gently leading us towards an eternity in His awesome presence. Be blessed and confident brothers and sisters.
Psalm 27:3
Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident.
Proverbs 14:26
In the fear of the Lord one has strong confidence, and his children will have a refuge.
Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
Hebrews 10:35-36
Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised.
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