Last night as my husband and I were talking about the past I know I shocked him with what I shared. Back in 2012 Nick decided to go back to school to get his CDL, we were recently married and he wanted to get a better job to provide for our future family, but due to an anxiety attack when he took the truck out on the highway, he ended up not finishing the course. This was a good thing... for me at least. Something that many people, even my close family members didn't know was, that was the hardest time in our marriage for me. I was severely depressed at this time, and thought about suicide daily several times a day, fantasized about it honestly. I imagined the relief of ending my life, of escaping the depression and anxiety that had held me down since I was a young teen. And I felt guilty because we were newly weds and I was supposed to be happy.
During this time I hardly saw Nick between work and school, and when he found out what I had really been going through he said that he always thought I seemed so proud of him that whole time, that he had no idea I was hurting so much inside. And honestly I was and still am very proud of him even though it didn't work out, it was a big deal to go out on a limb and try, I appreciate the effort he put in and the heart for our family he showed. Everyday I told him how proud I was, and how grateful I was for him, but I hid the pain, guilt and suffering not wanting to burden him while he was working so hard for us. He had no idea what I had been going through while we both worked during the day and he went to school at night. He didn't know that while I was supporting him, encouraging him, and smiling on the surface I was suffering on inside.
No one had a clue to what I was experiencing, no one had any idea that I sat at home alone at night crying uncontrollably, that I wanted to die, that the stress of everything that happened in our families after the wedding had effected so deeply that I felt like expecting to ever be really happy was pointless, that I was starting to believe I was forever cursed and burdened with these feelings of despair. It wouldn't be until a year later before the depression got so bad that I couldn't hide it anymore, that I started to break down at work, and loose control of my emotions entirely. I know someone reading this is wondering why I didn't go get help, why I didn't tell someone. And honestly, I felt like everyone else had much bigger issues to deal with than me being depressed, I was a newly wed, the first year was supposed to the honeymoon stage, I was supposed to be happy. So everyday I painted a smile on my face, pretended life was grand and went about my business, until I would come home from work to an empty house and cry, or binge on food, or make myself sick.
During this time I started to really seek God like never before in my life, really reading the word and looking for the hope it promised. I started praying to God everyday in desperation for relief. I started to pour my heart out to Him through my tears and I began to feel like He was the only friend I had. And truthfully, that relationship I started developing with God is the reason I didn't take my life. When it got too hard, when I really started to give in to those thoughts of ending my life God would remind me of all the people that cared, all the people I would hurt, especially my husband and I couldn't go through with it. My relationship with God saved me, having God's word in my life I was able to keep telling myself God would get me through this and everything was going to be okay if I just hung on, if I just kept pushing. But there was doubt in my mind as everyday seemed to be getting harder, and I started to cry more, breaking down at work when I was alone in my classroom, or other times loosing my temper and being sharp, or angry, and yelling at the people around me. But I still didn't ask for help, I still hid what I was going through, and did my best to play everything off coming up with excuses for my behavior. Finally though God brought me to the end of myself and I surrendered to Him completely, finally I set my pride aside and let Him lead me to healing. I knew then that If I was going to beat this I needed help, and I had to ask for that help before if was too late.
Since then my life has changed drastically, I feel so much better, stronger, and more confident than I have in my entire life. When I finally let go of the pride, fear, guilt and shame of telling people I was hurting and asking for their support, I started to see a difference. But it wasn't until my pride was broken that this could happen, I had to lose my 'I can do it by myself' attitude, this 'I don't need anyone else' mindset. Losing this self-reliant has given me freedom in ways I never imagined. now that I know its okay to say that I need help, I need prayer, I am seeing results in my life like never before. From this I have realized, we need others to pray for us, we need to share our brokenness or how else can we get better? We need to know we aren't the only ones struggling so that we can seek comfort and Godly counsel in one another, so we can lift each other up.
Why did I share this story today? Not only because of my conversation last night with my husband, but because the world needs to know we are broken too, that Christians aren't perfect, that we all have past, that pain is in all of us, and that in God there is comfort for that pain. We need to share our brokenness with each other, because it is through the sharing of hurts that we all become stronger, we can heal better when we share it with someone else, and be an inspiration to someone else going through the same thing. I urge you not to hide your brokenness, but ask for prayer and comfort so that the Father can heal and restore you! God Bless and thank you for reading.
Isaiah 41:10
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand
Jeremiah 33:6
Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and let them enjoy abundant peace and security.
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
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