I used to hate myself, I hated who I was, what my future looked like, and what my life was like. I struggled everyday with making the decision to live at all, I didn't feel like I had anything to live for. My life was a wreck and honestly, I got sick a lot just thinking about how I lived at that time. I had no money, no food, and my roommate wasn't any help financially, or around the house. My boyfriend at the time made a habit out of cheating on me, neglecting me, and when he was around, manipulating me. I never saw my family, and my 'friends' were less than healthy for my fragile mental state at the time. I had a bad habit of taking pain pills and mixing them alcohol to numb the pain, anxiety, and depression. Panic attacks were a daily occurrence, usually at least two a day. My life was spiraling out of control, and I was at a loss of how to stop it. Everyday seemed hopeless, and pointless, I couldn't see how it was ever going to get better, but I continued to go to church and pray because I just didn't know what else to do. But to be truthful, I really didn't expect God to help me, I felt like I was living so wrong that despite claiming to be saved and a Christian that I was still going to go to hell, I felt like there was no way He could love or forgive me. I didn't believe I deserved to be helped and healed, I was liar, I was bad daughter, I was selfish, and I was an angry cruel person at times, I was right that I didn't deserve it, but Christ had already given it to me.
Why am I sharing all that with you? Because I know I write a lot of upbeat, encouraging, and sometimes make you think post. But it's not how life always is or was. Sometimes we go through really dark places. Sometimes it seems like there will never be light again. I've realized lately that all the positivity is great, and helps to keep me on track with my healing, but someone reading this may not realize just how much it took to get here. They may need to know that you can be completely broken, on the brink of destruction, and God can pull you out of that place and change everything in one moment.
For me, the moment that changed everything was when I met my husband. My boyfriend at the time had just broken up with me with the strange words that God told him I was meant for someone else and he was waiting on me. I was really vulnerable when I met Nick, and honestly scared. I was used to everyone in my world taking advantage of me, but meeting him was God's plan. God placed us in each other's path, I have never doubted this and where we are now is a testimony to that.
It's taken a lot of work over the last five and half years to get to where I am mentally, emotionally, and most importantly spiritually. So why do I say one moment changed everything? Why do I say it was the moment I met my husband? I say that because, the moment I met him I had hope again. I had a reason to believe I could get out of my situation and I had someone who supported and encouraged me to do just that. If I had never met my husband I know I would not be in a good place, I was heading down a path of destruction, but God heard my pleas and put my husband in my path to help me find my way out of the darkness.
We have our good days and bad days, we both suffer from anxiety and depression, but I am not where I used to be. I have hope now, I believe we will have a good future together, and I have a better relationship with God now than I ever could have imagined. So I want you to know, no matter where you are in life, God can change your circumstances. He can save you if you want Him too. You don't have to live life beat down and hopeless, it can get better. I know because I was there and came through it with God and my husband. Life doesn't have to be miserable, everyday doesn't have to a struggle, there is hope with The Lord.
Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
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