When I was growing up (and even still today if I am to be completely honest) I was one of those children who always wanted to make their parent's proud, I always wanted to get their approval, and tried to make them happy with me. I think a lot of people would or could probably say the same. It was my heart's desire to hear my mother say she loved me, or she was proud of me, to have my dad show that he supported me by showing up to my games when I played sports or to my events at school. But none of these things happened much for me and some not at all. So, then when I became a teenager these unspoken pains that piled up and continued to pile up lead me to resentment and bitterness towards my parents.
For a while I allowed the hurt over these things to overshadow all of the other ways they did support me, they did say they loved and were proud of me. I saw only the pain they had caused me by not doing the things I needed and wanted from them so desperately. I didn't understand that they couldn't know I needed that reassurance from them because I had I had never told them that I needed it. I didn't understand that they were still healing themselves from pain from their up-bringings, I didn't see anything past my own hurt and the ways I felt they had failed me as parents. Then at twenty I met my husband, and his appreciation for my parents helped me to start to appreciate them again, even so though, under the surface I still carried that wound, still carried that bitterness and unforgiveness towards them in my heart.
Today though I am happy to say I finally understand and have finally forgiven my parents completely after confessing my hurts and my perceptions of the situations to them. Now I finally see that my mom never withheld love from me, and though she doesn't say it she was and is proud of me. I finally understand that it was just hard for her, growing up in a physically and verbally abusive household that she still carries physical scares from love is hard for her. I understand now the pain that she has spent her life learning to heal from was what kept her from saying out loud what she felt in her heart, and I no longer blamed her. I understand now that the reason my dad didn't go to my school events or games as much as my brother's wasn't favoritism, I understand now that he didn't love me less. I know now that is was only because he didn't think I needed him as much as my brother because I seemed stronger, and more emotionally capable.
I wrote all this and shared it today because for a long time I blamed my parent's for my pain, but really it was my lack of understanding and stubbornness in not telling them how I felt and what I needed, and honestly I think sometimes we do the same thing with God. Instead of going to Him and telling Him what we need and what we want like He asks us to, we just expect it because well, He is God and He knows. The problem with this thought process is though that God wants us to come to Him so we can form a relationship. He wants us to talk to Him, to seek Him and for us to share our hearts with Him. Yes, He is God and knows already what we need and why, but He still wants us to ask because in the asking we make ourselves open to His presence.
Sometimes we aren't getting what we need or want simply because we haven't asked. We expect it because of who He is, and then get bitter when it isn't delivered. We get mad at God because we feel like He "failed" us, when in truth it is only our lack of understanding of His character that is truly hampering us. 1 Thessalonians 5:17 says to pray without ceasing, John 14:13-14 says whatever we ask in Yeshua's name will be granted, and Philippians 4:6-7 tells us to cast all our worries onto God so His peace will guard our hearts and mind, these verse aren't in the Bible by accident, they are an open invitation to ask anything, to tell Him anything, and to give Him our heart. Don't be afraid to ask, don't be afraid that God's too busy to deal with your concerns, and don't believe the lies that He doesn't care, these things are all contradictory to His holy Word and the character of God that is revealed in it. Don't be afraid to ask, because sometimes healing doesn't happen until we do. Be blessed.
Jeremiah 33:3
Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known
Mark 11:24
Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.
Luke 11:9
And I tell you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you
1 John 5:14-15
And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him.
No comments:
Post a Comment