The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty

     I just got home from seeing 'The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty' with my husband. We both really enjoyed the movie. Walter with his imagination and zoning out really reminded me of myself. I have always gotten lost in my head, with my imagination. It's my favorite place to hide. The things that happen in Walters life though reminded me of my husband. The kind of man he is.
     Creative, and intelligent with unrealized potential just waiting to be pulled out of him. I'm not going to give away the movie, but I will say Walter is put in some extreme situations that pull this potential out of him, and he uses both his imagination and affection for a woman to unlock the courage within. It was a really beautiful movie. I truly recommend it to anyone who is able to see it.
      It got me thinking though and made me sad. Sad that I can see what a truly gifted man my husband is and  he cannot. I was sad that I am not able to do for him what the female character in that movie was able to do for Walter.
     I really don't know what else to write at this point. All I can say is God bless you, and don't be afraid. Our limits are only in our mind. So be brave and take that chance you've been dreaming about.  Live the life you want, and believe that you can live it. All it takes is faith, imagination, and a willingness to try.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

Christmas isn't fun without children

      Every year for the last two or three the holidays have lost their joy for me. I try really hard to enjoy it, and part of me does, but the bigger part is just sad. Christmas is the hardest. I see all my friends and cousins talking about how excited they are about what they got their kids, and how much fun it was decorating with them, how cute they are in their Christmas clothes. It breaks my heart.
      It's so hard to enjoy something so special when part of your heart is empty. I know I need to be patient. If I push the issue it won't make it happen any sooner and it'll probably just make it harder to happen. But it's times like these that I wish he was as ready as I am. I spend all day five days a week taking care of someone else's children. I love my job but it doesn't replace what's missing for me.
     My heart wants a child of its own, a baby that we made, one that I can hold, and love and know that they were born by two people who wanted them very much. It's important to me.
     Every year it's harder to celebrate. Halloween just isn't any fun anymore, neither is Easter or Christmas. I hope the joy comes soon. I want to be happy and excited about these things I used to love so much. For now I celebrate half heartedly, and understand the meanings behind the holiday. I spend a lot of time praying, writing, and avoiding my friends and family with children so they won't know how jealous I am.
    Another Christmas without children is just painful.

Day of Solitude

     It's Christmas Eve and I have the pleasure of having dinner with my family and exchanging a few gifts tonight after a lovely meal. I love my family very much and am looking forward to it. But I find myself wishing that today wasn't so busy. It's my first day of vacation and my husband will be at work, I really want a day of solitude to shut out the world and work on my book while watching old VHS tapes and drink warm tea.
      It was my original plan for today. A quiet day at home while he's at work then the two of us having a low key dinner maybe some wine, and exchanging the gifts we bought for each other. Just a day of quiet. A day of peace to reflect, relax, and enjoy before the busyness of Christmas Day.
     But it's not to be. We have a last minute family dinner. It's going to be really nice though. I love being with my parents, and after my dad having a heart attack last week I really can't tell the man no. This will be a lot of fun, I can be silly with my little sister, have good conversation. And maybe I can talk my dad into reading the birth of Christ to us like he used to on Christmas Eve when we were kids.
      Better than solitude I get to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with the people I love most in this world. I am blessed to be surrounded by this much love. To have people in my life. I may crave solitude sometimes but I have what truly matters.
     I have a Christmas wish for all who read this. Let love in. Please allow this holiday to enter your heart and change you. Please be happy, and gratefu for what you have, because if you are reading this you have so much more than many.

Luke 2:10
'Behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people'

Tragic Artist

    Last night my husband and I were talking about how many great artist had tragic lives and many struggled with drugs and alcoholism. Whether they were painters or writers or musicians many struggled with the demons of depression and anxiety.
     I told him I believe him to be a tragic artist and he gave me a questioning look. So I explained and he asked me to post the explanation so he could read it again later. So that is what I am doing now.
     Much like Poe, and many other tragic artist you have gotten a tough break and struggle with dark thoughts. You have a gifted imagination though and have been blessed with the ability to express your pain. You are a talented writer and a gifted artist! I wish you take more time to express yourself and use those talents as an outlet!
     I know the pain inside you and do my best to relieve you of it as best I can. I don't know if your struggle will ever end but I know I will always be with you, my tragic artist.

Five years In Love

     Today is five years since you first asked me to be yours, five since we first danced together. Romance seemed so natural to you and you swept me off my feet. I am not really sure I ever regained balance, I simply just learned to lean on you.
      It's crazy to think we have been together this long, because it doesn't feel like it. Time has gone quickly since we met and the days don't seem to drag the way they used too. I think it's because I don't feel alone anymore.
      I had lots of friends before I met you, lots of people who aren't around anymore, and that's okay with me. None of them ever came close to taking the edge off the loneliness. You are my soulmate, I was picked by God to be your match and am eternally grateful.
     I doubt anyone will read this post other than us baby, and I don't care. I am yours. I  belong only by your side and as I sit here this morning getting ready to go to church with you and thinking about our life together I am so happy! I know everyday as you put your arms around me while I go to sleep that you were the right choice. No other life could be this sweet, no other life this happy.


             Happy Anniversary Dearest!

Those Dreaded Words

     I've known it was going to happen for a long time. He's never really taken good care of himself and his diet is terrible. But when my mom called this morning and told me my dad had a heart attack and was in the hospital it still broke my heart and panicked me.
     Like most girls my dad was my hero, and since I've become an adult he's been one of my best friends. I have a really good relationship with my dad, and so does my husband. In fact they were just hanging out yesterday and we all went together over the past weekend to buy a tree.
     I can't see him yet, but as soon as I leave work I'm going to the hospital. I want to pray with him. I want to hug him, and I want to tell him I love him. I'm lucky because my dad will get to come home in a few days. I still have my daddy. And not only do I still have my earthly father, I have a Heavenly Father too who is giving my dad the best care possible.
     As scared as I was when my mom called me, I am grateful that I have my father. I am grateful to God that I live somewhere where my dad can receive care and survive something like this. Today I am grateful beyond words.

The hurt on the inside

      I don't know if anyone else experiences this, but I'm sure I'm probably not the only one. There are days and sometimes weeks where I struggle to remember that I am blessed. I just wake up completely miserable, and unmotivated. It feels like my soul is in torment, my heart is breaking and I feel like I have no control over it.

     I paint a smile on my face and play the part of a happy person all day doing what I'm supposed to while inside it's all I can do to not to cry. I try things to make myself feel better, exercise,  being silly with the children I care for, prayers, reading scripture, smiling, writing in my diary, counting my blessings. But sometimes I just can't seem to make the hurt stop. 

     Right now is one of those periods for me, nothing can stop all the pain under the surface, I wanted to write this though not to complain, but to tell anyone who is reading this and experiencing a similar thing, you are not alone! There is someone who cares for you! And more than you know! There are people in this world who want to help you, and you have a Father in Heaven who loves you more than you will ever understand! Before you do anything rash please stop and remember this, you are loved no matter how much you hurt and feel alone YOU ARE SPECIAL, you are not alone. 

Psalms 121: 1-2

I lift my eyes to the mountains, where does my help come from? My help comes from The Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.