Every year for the last two or three the holidays have lost their joy for me. I try really hard to enjoy it, and part of me does, but the bigger part is just sad. Christmas is the hardest. I see all my friends and cousins talking about how excited they are about what they got their kids, and how much fun it was decorating with them, how cute they are in their Christmas clothes. It breaks my heart.
It's so hard to enjoy something so special when part of your heart is empty. I know I need to be patient. If I push the issue it won't make it happen any sooner and it'll probably just make it harder to happen. But it's times like these that I wish he was as ready as I am. I spend all day five days a week taking care of someone else's children. I love my job but it doesn't replace what's missing for me.
My heart wants a child of its own, a baby that we made, one that I can hold, and love and know that they were born by two people who wanted them very much. It's important to me.
Every year it's harder to celebrate. Halloween just isn't any fun anymore, neither is Easter or Christmas. I hope the joy comes soon. I want to be happy and excited about these things I used to love so much. For now I celebrate half heartedly, and understand the meanings behind the holiday. I spend a lot of time praying, writing, and avoiding my friends and family with children so they won't know how jealous I am.
Another Christmas without children is just painful.
No comments:
Post a Comment