This is probably one of the most uncomfortable post I've written. Honestly, what I am about to share with you is something that I really never wanted to share with anyone. It's painful and shameful, the lines I crossed are something that still hurts to think about. Most of what I am about to share with you, I honestly have very little memory of, I remember the pain and the anger, I remember flashes of what I did, but most of what I am writing was told to me by my brother and his friend, who were involved. Despite not remembering a lot of what happened, this day has greatly impacted my life and decisions I have made since.
At the time this happened I was about 17, maybe 18, and my parents had left my younger brother, his friend and myself at home alone while they were both out doing stuff. My parent's trusted us, like most do their teenagers, to be home alone without getting into too much trouble. Truthfully though, I didn't really deserve their trust. Every time they left me alone, trouble is exactly what I went after, whether I got caught or not is a different story. This day was no different, I knew they would be angry if they knew what I was doing, but like most teenagers, I took my chance and did what I wanted anyway. Which in my case was sit at the computer in the kitchen chatting with my friends online while smoking cigarettes and drinking shots of whiskey. This in itself was bad enough, but when my brother and his friend came into the kitchen the situation got worse.
My little brother has always been a button pusher, just the type of person to push you as far you can go before losing your cool, and when he was younger even beyond your limits. This had led to us getting into more than one sibling squabble. This day was one of the days he pushed me too far, and in my drunken state, I took it even farther. I don't remember exactly what he was doing at set me off, at this point I had already had quite a bit of whiskey, but I know screamed at him to stop it and leave me alone several times, or maybe I just assume this part because it's what I usually did, but for sure at least once. My brother and his friend later told me that I slammed my brother into a wall and punched him repeatedly in the face until he bleed, screaming and cursing at him the whole time. I was told that I was pulled off him by his friend, before going back to the computer chair where I started crying, and they went upstairs, leaving me in my misery. Of this I remember very little, I don't remember hitting him more than once, I don't remember screaming and cursing at him as I did it or as the three of us struggled, and I don't remember being pulled off of him, but I do remember sitting in the computer chair next to the bottle of whiskey with blood on my knuckles.
This was the last time I ever drank whiskey. Sitting there with tears running down my face and a repentant heart I promised never to drink it again. I knew I was wrong and that I had crossed a line, I knew before I ever drank a drop that my family had a history of being violent when whiskey was involved but I had ignored that just like I ignored that fact that I was underage. Up until this point I believed I could escape the family curse that I could control myself, but the blood and the bottle together told me then that it was foolish pride and a lie. My heart broke realizing what I did, I knew that once my brother told our parents I was in for it, I knew and accepted that punishment was on the way because I deserved it. I feared it, losing their trust, the disappointment, and grounding, but I knew I deserved it and I was ready to face my punishment. But that's not what happened.
My brother could have easily gotten me in big trouble that day, and like I said I expected him to because I deserved it, but instead he saw how broken up I was over what I did to him and he chose not to tell our parents, and to forgive me. My brother knew I was upset and angry at myself for hurting him, we fought all the time, physical fights, but never had either of us caused the other to bleed, never did we take it that far. Typically it was just the wrestling, hitting, and name calling that is common to siblings, but this event revealed a rage in me that scared us both. Despite the rage I showed, and the very physical pain I caused him my brother loved me enough to look past what I did to him though, and see my pain, and my repentant heart over the hurt I had caused him. This love and forgiveness he showed cemented two lessons in me that day, one, that whiskey is the devils drink and I will never go near it again, and two my brother had more love and forgiveness in his heart than I did, and that really shook me up. To be honest, I think his forgiveness startled me more than anything else, and had he not taken that path I'm not sure the lesson would have stuck the way it did.
His love, understanding, and forgiveness changed my heart that day. The kindness and mercy he showed when I deserved it the least still astounds me. Never has he brought it up to tease, hurt or taunt me, never has he used this incident to manipulate me into doing things for him, he's just moved on knowing that I when I said was sorry, that I truly was. In my brother's choice to forgive instead of get revenge or justification, I saw something really respectable, and I realized how much my brother really did care about me, even if we did fight a lot. This total forgiveness of my sin against him, to me reflects greatly the love, forgiveness and mercy that God has for us. How God's love covers our sins from sight when we accept Jesus and the forgiveness He gave us through His death on the cross. How God's love is gentle and life altering, causing us to change our ways from the brokenness in our hearts and a desire to be better.
I shared this today after spending three days trying not too, trying to tuck this memory back into the very back of my mind where I wouldn't have to deal with the hurt I still carried from it. But every morning when I would ask God what I should write, there it was again. Now, having written about it, I strangely feel healed from it, and I find myself wondering if maybe God wanted me to finally forgive myself for it too. I think maybe he wanted me to stop avoiding the part of my past and accept the forgiveness that He and my brother had already given me. Now, after sharing all this you know my secret, now you have seen the pain I caused others and the grace that God has for us, and if you take nothing else from this post please take this: Forgiveness is important, for you and those who you forgive, my story today could be so different had my brother not met my rage with mercy, had he not shown me forgiveness. Be blessed.
Proverbs 28:13
Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.
Zechariah 7:9
“Thus says the Lord of hosts, Render true judgments, show kindness and mercy to one another
Ephesians 4:32
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Colossians 3:13
Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.
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