Sometimes it's hard to let go of hurt, especially when the person who hurt you isn't sorry. This is something that I have been dealing with. For weeks now I have been replaying some hurtful words said to me by someone I considered my friend. I'm not angry at this person for what they said to me, I understand they were hurt and angry too, I don't have any ill will or anything else against them. In fact despite them saying some hurtful things to me, I'm still praying for them. I wish them all the best, and am genuinely sorry that sharing my concerns over something upset them as much as it did. I understand and forgive their words, but still I am carrying around the burden of hurt and I can't seem to totally let it go yet. This is something I'm praying about, it's something I want to let go of, because I know it isn't good to hold onto or carry around pain.
As I typed the top paragraph to this I was reminded this isn't the only time I have had this same accusation thrown at me by someone who was a friend. Many years ago my roommate also accused me of being unloving and selfish towards her. It broke me nearly in two. I didn't know how she could say that to me. I did all that I could to help her, to show her I cared, and anytime I would decide to go out with other friends or see my boyfriend instead of coming straight home from work to hang out with her, again she would call me selfish and unloving. Looking back I realize that she was using those words to purposely hurt and manipulate me, and that I never dealt with this hurt in the first place, instead I buried it and usually gave in to what she wanted. As I continue to write this, I am seeing that it isn't necessarily who said it, or even the circumstances that it was said in, it's the words themselves.
These women weren't the first to say it to me, this was something I heard a lot growing up too and I think really it's the original source of the hurt I am carrying. No matter what I tried to do, I was wrong, I was selfish, and it was never enough. Each time I am accused of this again it cuts a little deeper, I am flood again by feelings of hurt and inadequacy, again I become that little girl inside hurting and not knowing what I can do to make it better. But right now, at 27, I am no longer that little girl. I no longer have to wonder what to do, I know what I have to do, I have to ask Jesus to take this pain and heal me from it. I have to ask Him to help me to forgive the person who first made me feel low with those words, and finally let go of this once and for all.
Even if no one else does, I know I try to love everyone, I try to be fair and just to all. I know that it is in my heart to be good to people, and that I really do have love and compassion in my heart. I know I am not always good at showing it, that sometimes I can truly be selfish, and I pray the Lord helps me to overcome this. But I also know that in these circumstances the words were untrue, my heart was really to be good and loving to these people and it hurts that they could not see it. But I'm not going to let it hurt me anymore. I know the truth and so does God, and as of right now I'm releasing this to Him. I am done beating myself up over past hurts and circumstances, today I am free in Jesus! Be blessed my friends!
Matthew 11:28-30
28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Colossians 3:13
Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.
Hebrews 12:15
See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many
Philippians 4:6-7
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
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