In this past year I think the biggest lesson God has taught me is that the pain and suffering I feel in certain circumstances can be used to comfort someone else. That by staying in faith when the hurt and stress are overwhelming, that you can comfort and inspire others through that. This lesson didn't come the easy way, I didn't understand just from reading verses like Romans 5:3-5; or Philippians 4:12, I've learned it from walking through difficult, stressful, and emotionally trying times this year, and praising God anyway. I've shared only a little of what has gone on with you, wanting to keep some things private for my family's sake, or because I honestly wasn't strong enough to talk about it in detail yet, but I've been amazed by how many have told me they found hope or inspiration because of what's been shared. To me, that is God at work, and I give Him all the glory for it. Today I am strong enough to handle talking about one of the hardest things that happened this year. It's something I really feel lead to share today and I'm not sure why, but I'm guessing someone else needs this testimony.
Back in November of 2014 my aunt started to show signs that she was again deeply depressed. This has been an off and on thing with her for many years, sometimes we have been able to pull her out of before it got bad, this time we weren't. We tried our best to convince her to go see a doctor, to get help for the way she felt, but she's stubborn and wouldn't listen to reason. So with our hands tied my mom and I started taking turns checking on my aunt because the last time it got bad like this, she attempted suicide. Everyday after we got off work one of us would drive a half hour to spend time with her, make sure she ate, clean up a little around her place, and I would share the Word with her.
In February 2015, during one of my visits my aunt said the prayer of salvation for the first time, I was ecstatic, but I knew the battle wasn't over, I had said the same prayer twice inviting God into my heart before I truly surrendered my heart and life to Him. The enemy had tried many things between saying that prayer and actual surrender to deceive and try to keep me from truly coming to the Lord, I doubted it would be any different for her. A week later to the day I got in my car after work and didn't feel like going to my aunt's house. I had had a long day at work and thought I might skip a night and just call her instead, as I had done on some nights where the roads were too bad to drive. But as I drove home I felt a need to go, whether I wanted to or not.
When I got there the door was unlocked and my aunt was in the bathroom. After waiting a few minutes and not having her come out, I called down the hall to her. She didn't reply but I heard a lot of noises from the bathroom and a few minutes later she came out. I noticed she had something heavy under her sweatshirt around her neck but didn't think too much about it because she had been complaining a lot around that time of being cold. I started sharing the Word with her and telling her how Jesus could heal the pain in her heart if she started to form a relationship with Him and gave Him her pain. Part way through she stopped me and said 'it's too late for that Jenn.' I asked what she meant but she didn't answer me, then after a pause, she went to the bathroom again, this time I went back there too. As I opened the door and walked into the bathroom I saw why my aunt had said it was too late. She had slit her throat and had been hiding it from me under her sweatshirt with a band aid an ace bandage and a scarf. I was horrified to say the least.
Immediately I went into action mode praying silently for strength and clarity as I took the necessary steps. I knew practically that it would take longer for an ambulance to reach us and get her to the hospital than if I just took her myself because of how far out in the country my aunt lived, so I forced my aunt to get ready and get in my car, while I called my parent's and had my mom meet me at the hospital. I argued most of the way there with my aunt as she begged me not to take her, to just let her go home. At one point I became extremely agitated at her pleas to return to the house and rebuked her in the name of Jesus. She didn't speak again for a full 15 minutes and then it was only to say that she was afraid she wouldn't see anyone again. I reassured her that I would come to the hospital everyday that I could, that I wouldn't leave her there alone.
I stayed strong that night at the hospital for my mom, grandmother, and aunt, attending to them whenever they needed something, praying in every free minute, and calling a couple friends to pray too. Eventually they got her stitched up and moved her to the mental health ward, they told us then that the cut was much deeper than we had initially thought and she could have died had I not made her come in. I thanked God that I had gone despite not wanting to, I really don't know how I could have handled the guilt had I not.
When I went home, Nick held me as I wept into chest. The events of the night, the sight of the bloody knife and my aunt's neck played over and over in my mind like a terrible unending nightmare. I felt like I couldn't escape the images. I eventually tried to sleep, but it was restless, still the images haunted me. The next morning I began praying for God to fade the images, to take away my torment and make it a distant dream, within a couple days that's exactly what happened.
My aunt was hospitalized from February until September, and I kept my word to her until July when I could no longer handle the verbal abuse spewed at me at each of my visits. I didn't speak to her for several months after that, until probably shortly after she got out, I needed time to heal and forgive her before I could again talk to her. I had been very hurt by some of the things she said to me, and the false accusations she made about my parents. I realize that she said all those things from a place of hurt, frustration, and anger, but there was only so much of it I could take before having to step back. Now I am happy report, my aunt and I are talking and we hope to start Bible study again after I finish moving and get settled at my new place. She is doing quite well now that she has adjusted to her medication and is taking care of my grandmother giving her life some purpose and direction.
I'm still not sure why I shared all this today, but I hope if you took the time to read you come away with a couple of things. First, that God speaks to our heart in those tiny urges that tell us we need to do something, even if it seems strange or we really don't want to we need to listen to these urges. Second, God can remove or distance painful thoughts from our mind if we give them to Him and third, there is hope in situations that seem trying, endless, and stressful when you trust Him. If you lean into God, it becomes possible to overcome tough situations and even find reasons to rejoice despite the circumstances. Be blessed my friends...
Update, I'm heartbroken to report that as of Saturday January 30, 2016 we had to move my aunt into a long term treatment facility after another attempt on her life. I don't know what will come from this, but I know God waste nothing, as bad and sad as this seems now, I trust God to use even this for His glory. Be blessed brothers and sisters in the name of Yeshua.
Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”
Psalm 71:14
But I will hope continually and will praise you yet more and more.
Romans 5:2-5
Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Romans 12:12
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.
No comments:
Post a Comment