I admitted to you in the past that I had an addiction to erotic books, and while I will admit that I had lust filled fantasies of these made up, perfect, charming men, real boys didn't tempt me. I had crushes as all girls do, but there was no one that I fantasied about, no one that I lusted over or tempted me sexually. I had offers and opportunity but nothing that I struggled with, it was easy to say no and I had two very great excuses to give. But eventually I would struggle in this area, and the temptation was one that I was uncertain if I could withstand.
When I was twelve or thirteen years old, myself and a group of about four other girls made a pack to save ourselves, to save our virginity, for our husbands. Even before we made this pack, it had been in my heart to do so, and they said the same. At that time it wasn't a decision that had anything to do with faith, or even wanting to please my parent's. If I am honest with myself and you, I chose that course at that age because sex scared me. I had already been sexually abused, and it had been going on for years at that time, touch was uncomfortable for me, so not having sex until I was married seemed like a safe and good idea. This was my first excuse, whenever anyone had anything to say about sex, I was saving myself for marriage because I had made a pack with my friends.
My second excuse, if someone pressed was when I would claim it was a religious thing, that I
didn't think God would approve. While I do actually believe that, then and now, it wasn't really why, as I mentioned above, I was afraid of actually having sex because of what I had experienced. At this time though I had told no one about the abuse, so God became my second excuse not wanting to tell anyone the truth of my circumstances. Which now, I feel really crummy writing because God should never be second or an excuse, and God's love should have been reason enough.
It went on like that for me for a long while, I read my erotic novels, fantasied about fake men, and someday a husband that I wouldn't be afraid to have touch me, while I pushed away boyfriends and guys who couldn't respect my boundaries. Then at 18 I started my first long-term relationship, which lasted almost two years. It was during this time that I would have my first real struggle with the temptation of wanting to have sex, but it wasn't with my boyfriend.
When I first met my boyfriend at that time we both said we were waiting for marriage, but after about 6 months he started to cheat on me, and I stupidly stayed with him. I thought I was going to marry him, and that he was just "sowing wild oats" while we were young, before we settled down, so I allowed it and took the pain stuffing it inside each time he spoke to me about the "others." This is when temptation walked into the workplace we shared. Our new co-worker was handsome, funny, from a similar background and economic status as me, and fun to be around. We started hanging out, mostly at work but occasionally he would join us after for the mid-night breakfast buffet at another local restaurant, or the parties we had at our assistant manager's house.
As we worked together more and spent more time together feelings and desires started to emerge. For the first time in my life I started to wonder what having sex with this person might be like, and once that thought started it didn't stop. To make matters worse it soon became apparent that he had the same feelings, and thoughts. Often I would find him following me into the store room or other dark private places at work, even when my boyfriend was there, and then he would say things about wanting to be physical, or try to caress or kiss me. Once he came up behind me and put his arms around me, I thought it was my boyfriend and turned around to steal a quick kiss at work, but it was him. It made me uncomfortable because I was loyal, even if my boyfriend wasn't. Besides that he was a bit of a player and often had girlfriends when he made these advances, but still I never asked him to stop because I didn't want him to, I liked the attention I was getting from him, and part of me hoped if he kept pressing I might give in.
Eventually the guy I was seeing then broke up with me, and almost immediately this guy made a move. I wanted so badly to say yes, but I knew he was trouble. He was a temptation that if I were to be in a relationship with I could not say no too, I knew I would give in, and knew that as much as I liked him, he wasn't the one for me. By this time I had started the slow process of coming to God, and at this point did really mean it when I said I was waiting on the right man because it was what God wanted. With that in mind and the freedom to choose, I knew I couldn't date him. Thankfully,God didn't leave me in limbo between relationships for long, which is probably good because he wasn't taking no for an answer until I started dating someone else, who eventually became my husband, and now I am so happy I waited!!
I shared all this because giving into temptation is a choice, the devil didn't make you do it. He may send some cronies to try and influence you to give in, he may do that through your friends, because the Lord knows I had friends encouraging me to cheat, encouraging me to date him, and encouraging me to break my promise because all the other girls had whether it was with this temptation, or just anyone else. But ultimately, in my heart I knew right from wrong and I was deeply convicted that I hold to the vows I made, whether the other girls had honored them or not. And when I met my husband it became abundantly clear why.
In my spouse I have a man who chose also to stay sexually pure, and because of that I never have to wonder if he's comparing me to an old girlfriend, or if he has any diseases that he may be unaware of or lying to me about. With Him I have a partner for life, not just at the moment, and because we were each other's first we have special bond that I don't know if I can ever fully understand or describe beyond the fact that it's just something beautiful that keeps me desiring him. I believe this was my reward, my blessing for staying pure despite the obstacles. I hope today this encouraged you to chose to stand against temptation, whether it be sexual or otherwise, because when we do God does reward His children for their faithfulness. Be blessed.
1 Corinthians 6:18-20
18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. 19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.
1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
Hebrews 2:17-18
17 For this reason he had to be made like them, fully human in every way, in order that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people. 18 Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted
James 1:13-15
13 When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14 but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. 15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death
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