Natural Born Worrier

        I used to describe myself as a worrier, I worried about everything, all the time. I am not exaggerating in this, I couldn't open my eyes in the morning without a flood of worries hitting me causing me to start my day with the sensation of drowning in the circumstances around me. I knew what the scriptures said about worry, but I couldn't seem to stop it from happening. I'd pray about it, ask for help but I still felt worry and concern over the situations all the time. For example I used to have this habit of praying, then right away checking on the things that I had prayed about, or not praying about it and watching the situation like a hawk. I used to assume this was just my nature, after all, I was a worrier, and so were my parents, that's just how we were made. I had it in my head that it was just the way things would always be, I would always worry about everything and everyone.
        I used to think my watching the situations would help me feel better about them, that maybe I could see little improvements as they happened and feel reassured that God was handling it, and then I would not worry about that situation anymore; or at least not as much. That never turned out to be the case though. In fact the constant checking and worrying only made the worry worse. I would end up looking at the situation and saying to the Lord "God I prayed about this, I believe in you and your promises. Why aren't things changing? Or why isn't it happening sooner?"
     Finally one day I realized what I couldn't see before, finally I realized what the problem had been. I was too involved, I wasn't really letting go of my worries or the small amount of control I felt I had over the situation by constantly checking on it. I wanted to know what was happening all the time, I wanted to have some semblance of control, and that desire to control is what causes worry, because then what if we fail, what if it doesn't work out? This was not trust in God, this was me being my own stumbling block because of my desire to control and fear of things not happening. I just couldn't see it at first because of pride blinders, I saw that I was taking it to the Lord like I should, but I didn't see that I was forgetting to let it go.
     Once I realized that worry wasn't the actual problem it made it easier to see what I had to do. I had to give up my control for His. I had to submit myself to Him and trust that His will, I had to trust that things will work out in my life the way He intends, and accept that my constant checking won't help or change any of it. I had to humble myself to Him and let go of all the things I was holding onto, my financial worries, writing, cars, houses, bills, debt, babies, work, family stress, and so much more.
      It is a struggle each day to let go of my habits of trying to have my fingers in everything around me so that I feel like I have some control. It's a challenge to just accepting that once I have prayed for it, it is in God's hands and will be worked out according to His plans in His time. But I have found the more I do this and the less time I spend checking up on stuff and worrying about it, the better my quality of life is becoming. I am enjoying more, and stressing less. I am beginning to feel free from the weight of constant worry and it is building my trust in God because I am finding that things happen in better ways and usually faster when I give it up to the Father, and stay out of it unless otherwise directed!
      From this I am starting to believe that no one is a natural born worrier, worry is just a stumbling block to keep us from fully trusting God's will. When you really pray, giving up the worry, putting aside the desire to control and your pride, saying humbly with all confidence, 'God this is in your hands and your will be done,' life is more fulfilled and more free. Be blessed.

Matthew 6:25-34

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own

Philippians 4:6-7
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Invite

     I don't often write on Sundays, but today I feel the need to. At church this morning my pastor talked about inviting people to church, he threw out a bunch of statistics about what ways of evangelism worked best as far as getting people into church, and it was made clear inviting someone to go with you is the best way. He shared with us the story of the Samaritan woman at the well (John 4:25-42) and how after she spoke with Jesus she went out and told her friends about him.
     I was struck by one verse in particular during all this, verse 39 reads: "Many of the Samaritans from that town believed in him because of this woman's testimony, 'He told me everything I ever did.' " Her testimony was a seed, something that Jesus had done that effected her, that effect led her to share it with others, many heard her testimony and desired to hear what Jesus was saying because of it.
      Inviting people to church can be scary, you don't know how they may react. I have had people slam doors in my face, yell unkind things at me, and unfriend me on social media sites. But I have had people accept the invitation too. Sometimes not right away though. I have a friend that have invited numerous times, but it wasn't until after I started sharing with him what God has done in my life and my heart that it became a possibility that he would accept. When he finally did accept my invitation he was at one of the lowest points in his life and knew he needed the peace I have discovered in the Father.
     What am I saying? Invite, ask your friends and family to go to church, to Bible study, to youth group, and invite them into your home and hearts, share your testimony with them! Plant seeds, and water them often. My friend and I grew up going to church we knew the Bible stories, but none of that made a difference until God was made real to us, until we saw the life altering effect of a relationship with Jesus Christ.  Share your testimonies so that others may hear and desire change in themselves. Remember many Samaritans believed because of her testimony.
       What has God done for you that others may need? How has he changed your heart? Share that with your friends and family so that perhaps when you ask them to come with you, they may believe and receive healing from the Lord as well.

2 Timothy 1:6-12
6 For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. 7 For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. 8 So do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord or of me his prisoner. Rather, join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God. 9 He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, 10 but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel. 11 And of this gospel I was appointed a herald and an apostle and a teacher. 12 That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet this is no cause for shame, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day.
          

Just In Time

      I fully believe in the power and goodness of the Lord, and recently He has shown to a member of my family His goodness and the truth of the verse in Matthew 6:26 "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?" Someone in my family has been struggling for some time now to get by, she has no income and is too ill with a chronic disease to work and make an income of her own. But through the power of prayer and the kindness of others she had her needs met. It has been one miracle after another, money showing up just in time from seemingly nowhere to provide for her medical and others needs. Just this week He provided again for her in a big way!
      On Monday she shared with me concern over not having the money she needed to pay her co-pay for a doctors appointment,  as well as other things like prescriptions, gas for her car and her phone. She was unsure how she would pay for these things, but she believed that God would come through for her, and He rewarded for her faithfulness. Her phone and gas were taken care of by a friend, and then she found out Wednesday morning that she had won $500 in the lottery.  She is not one who plays typically, but felt like she should take a chance this time and it paid off big for her.
      Since then we have been rejoicing together, but today I wanted to share this joy with you as a testament to God fulfilling His promises.  If you are worried today, if you unsure of how you will provide, take it to the throne. Ask the Lord to meet your needs, expect Him to provide because He loves you. Free your mind from doubt and have faith in His words and promises. God never fails, it may look impossible, may look like there is no way, but where the Lord is there is a way. Trust that if He can part the Red sea so that the Israelites could escape Pharaoh, that He will provide the way for you too.     

Matthew 6:25-34

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^e ?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Love Through the Pain

     Have you ever held a child as they cried for the mother who beat and bruised them? Cared for their physical scars, and cried for their emotional ones? Have you ever been spit on or bit, or hit by a child crying out to be loved through their pain and anger? Have you ever seen pain so deep in their eyes that you can't keep the emotions from boiling over when you thought about it? Some children wonder if they will ever be loved, and some have already given up on it, pushing everyone around them away so they won't be hurt anymore. Sometimes these kids grow up and stay angry and hurt, they get shifted around in the system until they age out. Often they find their way back into the system, except  this time it's behind bars and not in foster care.
     I'm writing this post today not to tell you to go out and become a foster parent, because honestly, some people just aren't cut out for it. Working as a nanny for a foster family for two years I learned that first hand. Mostly, I decided to write this because I just felt that there are times when we are hurting or struggling and we forget about the pain that others endure. Working for that foster family really put that in perspective for me. It was a humbling, and rewarding experience that has and always will be a part of me.
      To get back on topic though, the point I want to make is this, we all hurt at some point, we all have pain that we need to learn to overcome. Some scars are physical, some are not. Some people carry their pain where everyone can see it, and some hide it deep inside. I thought I knew pain, I thought I knew what it was to hurt, but when I started to care for these children my eyes were opened to true suffering. When you're having a bad day, when you think that the world is against you and all you can think is 'poor me' do yourself a favor and think of these kids in foster care, think of the homeless, think of the poor and unloved. Remind yourself how blessed you are, but don't stop there. Let that thought of the needy move you to compassion, let the thoughts of how blessed you are move you to bless someone else.
     What good are our blessings, our talents, our love, our compassion if we are not moved to help someone else?  I used my memories of the pain the children endured to get your attention yes, but I also mentioned how some end up in jail as adults. It doesn't have to be that way, though. A little love and compassion can go a long way, and not just with these kids, with anyone. We are the church, we are called to love, and to teach love. Take your pain, take your suffering, and do something with it, do something about it. Love someone else because you need love. This is how you reach the hurting, and help each other to heal. This is how we teach them who Jesus is, not by our words but by our hearts. In your pain look past yourself, look to those who are in need and love them. Follow the example of Christ, who on cross in the midst of great suffering loved you.

1 John 4:19-21
We love because he first loved us. 20 Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. 21 And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister.
 

God is not the Author of Confusion

     Something happened over the weekend that caused me a lot of confusion, I couldn't make sense of the event and its distracted me a lot since. My mind kept going back to the event and replaying it over and over again. And each time I did my heart would beat wildly like in the presence of the spirit, but instead of clarity there was confusion, instead of peace there was chaos in my brain. I was frustrated and wanted to understand, I wanted it to stop and the peace to return, so prayed to God for clarity over the situation, and was led to seek counsel from a friend and sister in Christ who I knew could help me understand.
       After describing the situation to her she was able to help me with just 6 words; as soon as I read them I knew she was right and it all started to make sense after that. What she said to me was 'God is not the author of confusion.' Bam! It hit me then! If this event had been from God I would have clarity, not chaos in my soul, I would be confident and at peace not tormented. My friend suggested that it may have been a spiritual attack, so I prayed, and since that moment I have seen this verse repeatedly, John 15:26 'Jesus said: "I will send you the Helper- the Spirit of truth. He will come to you from the Father and testify all about me." I feel this is confirmation of what my friend spoke to me and it has brought me peace to accept this message.
      Now there is no more confusion, and I feel at ease once more. This was a valuable lesson to me, something I hope not to forget. When God commands you, you may have doubt and fear but you will have clarity also, a certainty that this was of the Lord and what needs to be done, but if there is no clarity, no certainty that it was God beware. 1 Corinthians 14:33 says 'For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints.' Satan thrives on confusing, frustrating, and deceiving God's children, our best defense is knowledge and understanding of God's word.

1 Corinthians 14:33
For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints.

Small Acts of Obedience

       My title today was inspired by the story of Paul's conversion, but not Paul himself. Recently when I read this story I was struck with how God binds us together in ways we will not understand in this world, one small act of obedience can ripple out in ways we can not imagine. When the Holy Spirit urges you to care for, pray for, or just listen to someone else you could be making an impact too big to be seen at the present. 
       I’m reminded today specifically of Ananias, who by his act of obedience to the Lord was part of Paul’s conversion story(Acts 9:10-19). Ananias was commanded by the Lord, to go to Saul of Tarsus and restore his sight after the Lord had appeared to Saul on the road to Damascus. Ananias played a small part, but he is part of the story; he was led to Paul as part of the fulfillment of Paul's destiny. The call to aid a believer in this scenario was clear, because Ananias heard it directly but most often that isn't the case. Sometimes it’s just a feeling, a stirring inside you that you should do something, or talk to someone in particular. Often, at least in my experience, this stirring is accompanied by fear or doubt. This was true in the case with Ananias as well, but, as Ananias shows us, faith in God means setting aside those fears and doubts to serve His call in obedience for the big and small. We don’t usually get the benefit of hearing directly from God what our obedience will bring about like Ananias did, but have no doubt that even your smallest acts of obedience can bring forth amazing results!

 I used this as an example because with Ananias's act of obedience Paul was set onto a path to become a great messenger for God. Now, I want you think if he had not obeyed the Lord. I am sure God could and perhaps would have found someone else, but this was the purpose he called Ananias for, he was chosen to be there for Paul, to heal and baptize him in the Lord's service at just the right time. Ananias had his doubts, but serving His Father was more important. I shared this because I never want you to think that what you were asked to do is too small to make a difference; just going and praying over someone can unleash the Holy Spirit in big ways. Never think it won't matter, a kind word can change someone's entire outlook on the day. And don't worry that it doesn't make sense to you, it makes sense to the Father, and it's part of His plan for not only you but someone else. Don't miss your opportunity to be someone's blessing, when the Lord urges you, obey, you never know how far the ripples will spread. Be Blessed.

    
1 Corinthians 1:25-29 

25 For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.

26 Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. 27 But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 28 God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, 29 so that no one may boast before him.

Never Does He Fail

     On Friday I talked about feeling the need to go for a drive to be alone with the Lord. I felt that I needed this time to get some clarity, to hear His voice in an undistracted place. But I didn't fully understand why I needed to do it, I just felt it was necessary.  I drove to a playground beside where I lived as a little girl and sat on a swing reading my Bible. I prayed and read scriptures for probably close to two hours.
     There was no sudden change, no amazing, huge, miraculous sign or some great revealing that changed everything. There was however, passage after passage of God fulfilling His promise, times of waiting and trail, followed by the Lord's victory. I found peace and comfort in the passages I was lead to, and as the weekend progressed I started to see the fulfillment of some of the promises I had been waiting years on.
     Waiting to see things in the natural is hard, and if you are only looking at things  in the natural, in the world, it can seem impossible for things to change. But God never fails, He can do in an instant what it seemed to you to be impossible. Never under estimate the power of our Lord, and remain obedient, even in the small things that don't seem to add up or make sense to you. Trust in the Lord and His purpose for your life and you will never be disappointed.

James 5:7-8
7 Therefore be patient, brethren, until the coming of the Lord. The farmer waits for the precious produce of the soil, being patient about it, until it gets the early and late rains. 8 You too be patient; strengthen your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is near.

Alone With Him

     When I was a little girl and my heart was heavy sometimes I would run away from everyone and find a quiet place outside where I could be alone with God. Often it was at a farm near by my aunt's house, or a quiet walk in the woods at my grandparents, or when I was home I'd hide in my backyard or bedroom. There were times when I did this and I didn't really understand why I needed to do it, I just knew there was something in my soul that yearned to be alone with Him. And after I did, I usually felt better about things, somehow things always seemed clearer, and I felt renewed.
     Lately, I've been feeling this need a lot. I read my Bible and pray everyday, but right now that doesn't feel like enough. I feel like I need to step away from everything and everyone around me to find clarity in Him again. I don't know how many will understand this, maybe no one, maybe everyone, I know I need to do it though. I'm not talking about long, and it won't effect this blog at all, I think. But I feel like it's necessary. I'm not sure honestly why I am sharing this need with you. I don't understand why I have it, but I am doing my best to understand.
     I know usually I talk about what God has done in my life, the changes that have occurred because of His love and forgiveness, or struggles, or applying some scriptures to life, but I really felt like I needed to share this today, to share what is in my heart and on my mind. I believe and trust it to be the Spirit guiding me, maybe someone reading has been the feeling the same way I am, maybe I just needed to write it down to get up the nerve to obey. I don't really know, but I trust Him, I trust that there is a purpose for these urgings in my spirit.
     As we each go forward today I pray that you listen not with your ears, but with your soul. Listen for the urges, feel them and obey. Be brave enough to step out of the world and into His presence. Do what seems scary or impossible, the Lord is with you and He never fails.

1 Timothy 1:15-17
 15 Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. 16 But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. 17 Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen.

Learning to Live Regardless of Fear

     Everybody is afraid, something out there scares everyone. Being afraid though doesn't mean that you're not courageous, it doesn't mean that you aren't brave, unless you let this fear stop you from living. We are not meant to spend our life fearing life, fearing mistakes, fearing failure, and letting that fear control our thoughts. Fear will always be there, it will always arise, whether its fear of heights or fear of an accident, there is always something to be afraid of.
     I'm personally afraid of lots of things; heights, spiders, snakes, wrecking my car (again), not having children, never moving away from the area I live in, moving away from the area, being alone, being in crowded places, and truly the list goes on! As you can see a couple of the fears are pretty common and truth be told silly, and others are kind of at odds with each other like I'm afraid of living my whole life where I live now because I'm miserable here, and so are most of the others who live around here, but I'm afraid to move away because I don't know what to expect in a new place. I'm afraid of being alone, but I don't enjoy a lot of people either.
     I used to focus a lot more on these fears, and some of the others I didn't mention. It got me really down, then I asked myself one day what it was I wanted in life, the answer to that was easy. I knew I wanted a family, I knew I wanted a better and ever improving relationship with God, I wanted a happy life for my family and myself  and I wanted to be a writer like I'd always dreamed.  Once I established what it was I wanted I asked myself  how I pictured  it, what does a happy, successful, faith filled life would look like. This part was harder for me, but really it went back to what I wanted out of life. Then I asked, how do I get to this point and what can I do right where I am to achieve this goal? After that I had one more question to ask myself, looking at the things I wrote down on what I called 'my action plan' I had to decide what things were important enough to me that the work to get there didn't matter even if it wasn't easy or I might not succeed.
    One of the best parts of learning how to live despite the fear I still feel sometimes, is the freedom I feel, living the life I wanted for myself makes me feel good. And because a big part of living the life I want is a better relationship with God it has changed me in ways I never imagined and made it easier to achieve some of these goals. The more I work on my relationship with Him, the easier it is to do things I need to; and the more I do, the less afraid I am. This is one of the many blessings of  serving God, the more you focus on Him and serving Him, the less time you have to focus on other things.
      I am still afraid of a lot, I just decided that life was more important than fear. I realized that my God was bigger than my fears, and everyday I am learning to trust Him more as He proves it to me over and over again.

Jeremiah 14:22

22 Do any of the worthless idols of the nations bring rain?

Do the skies themselves send down showers?

No, it is you, Lord our God.

Therefore our hope is in you,

for you are the one who does all this.

     

Pray to Overcome

     To most people driving is fun, exciting, and relaxing, but this has never been the case for me, since the day I got my drivers license I've told people if it wasn't necessary to drive to get to work, I'd walk. I have always had anxiety about driving and find it very nerve racking to have cars speeding around me, or tailgating me. Typically when these circumstances arise, which is pretty much everyday, I talk to God, or someone else to calm my nerves so I can focus on driving instead of how I feel and what could go wrong at any given second. For a long I have been trying to teach myself to not get upset at the passing cars, and to not let their excessive speeds dictate my own level of comfort as I drive to and from work, but this hasn't always been possible. There have been times where my anxiety behind the wheel has gotten so bad that I have to pull over just to take some deep breathes and calm myself before continuing on.
      I have shared my fears and apprehensions about driving with the people around me and while they are sympathetic the only advice I have gotten is just keep driving and ignore the cars that speed around you, you'll get over this with time. To be honest though I'm not totally sure their advice is good advice or true because I have had my license for nearly a decade now and still haven't gotten past it. But for about a month now, I have been trying to take their advice and ignore the cars that race around me, tailgate me, and sometimes even honk at me to take a risk at an intersection that I'm not comfortable with.
       Then this morning something totally awesome happened with me when these things came up again! Without even trying to change my thoughts, or trying to be brave I found myself chuckling at the drivers who sped by me instead of getting anxious or angry. As I talked to God and just prayed while I was driving I began to laugh for several minutes about how these cars were all in a big hurry to stop at a red light, the same red light they would have had to stop at anyway if they weren't speeding! I have been noticing for a while now that my anxiety with driving is lessening, and I know this is most likely due to the fact that I pray for relief from it, and I talk to God as I drive, but this morning was something that I hadn't expected. While I find it is much easier to drive when I am in the Spirit because I trust in His protection, I never imagined myself chuckling at the other drivers instead of trembling in fear for my life and theirs.
     As I spend each morning in prayer on my way into work I've noticed other changes in myself too, not only is my fear lessening but so is my road rage. Now instead of going into fear then anger at the irresponsible way they are driving, I find myself trying to cover them with grace, give them the benefit of the doubt and forgive their actions, sometimes I have even prayed for them. As I write this and think about our Father I think I'm beginning to understand why Paul writes in 1Thessalonians 5:17 to 'pray continually.' I'm seeing that the more time spent in conversation with God, the less the worries and anxieties of this world can effect you. Not that things won't come up, but the more time with Him the better prepared you are to handle it, and in cases like my anxiety with driving, eventually with His help you can overcome it. Be blessed!

Psalm 56:3   
When I am afraid, I put my trust in you

Isaiah 41:10   
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand

Philippians 4:6-7   
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5:15-18
15 Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else. 16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Don't Stop

      One of my favorite inspirational quotes is by Thomas Edison, "I have not failed, I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."   I believe this is the way we are supposed to look at failure, not as a stopping block, but as a detour directing us to the proper path. And I think this applies to all areas of our lives; relationships, work, dreams, education, dating, and church.
     Your failures do not matter; only the attempts and heart put into whatever you're doing. We are all afraid of failing to some degree; but we will all eventually fail at something. So, why do we get so worked up? Why are we so scared of failing? When we try something new, even if your something new is being a better person, be prepared to fail, but don't let the failure stop you from moving forward.
      I am evidently an optimist, but I didn't used to be. For a long time I struggled to believe that life would ever get better. I settled my mind to the fact that despite going to church, working as a youth leader in the church, volunteering there, and working hard at my three jobs and school, that life was never going to get any better. I truly believed then that was all my life would ever be, I would serve Him, bust my butt trying to balance everything and die alone, sad, broke, and never really loved or understood by the people I knew. I expected to live a life of sadness, and pain. I used to say all the time, 'that if it wasn't for bad luck,  I'd have no luck at all.'
      Then, God put a man in my life who taught me to see things differently. This person built me back up where other's had torn me down. He encouraged me, and challenged me to change my way of thinking and praised me so much that I actually started to believe all the nice things he said. I believed at that time in my life that I had already failed, but God used this person to show me that my life had really just begun and that God had many good things stored up for us, I just needed to try life a new way, something until that point I was afraid of doing.
       I'm sure someone reading this may think, 'well that's all well and good for you, but I've tried everything and my life isn't getting any better, I keep trying and nothing happens, God doesn't hear me anymore.' All I can say is keep trying, perserver through this, and try taking on some of those things that scare you, because those are probably exactly the things that will help you to get out of this dark place.  It was for me, the more things that I take on that I was once afraid of, the more I feel free, even if I fail in the attempt because I realize now, that it either means I need a new strategy or I've learned a available lesson in my limitations.  Either way, failure isn't a stopping point, it is not a roadblock, the only real roadblock is fear and the limitations we place on ourselves because of it.

1 Thessalonians 2:1-4
You know, brothers and sisters, that our visit to you was not without results. 2 We had previously suffered and been treated outrageously in Philippi, as you know, but with the help of our God we dared to tell you his gospel in the face of strong opposition. 3 For the appeal we make does not spring from error or impure motives, nor are we trying to trick you. 4 On the contrary, we speak as those approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel. We are not trying to please people but God, who tests our hearts.

Dig In

     Yesterday I was sitting in the sand, and I noticed that when the wave hit the shore and swept back out there were all these beautiful little colored pebbles on the ground. I showed one to Nick, who told me it wasn't a pebble, it was a muscle, (we think that's what they were, neither of us is very good with water species.) when I sat it back on the dirt, I saw this tiny creature burrow back into the sand. It had my interest now.
      Each time the wave came in it would sweep away sand to reveal tons of these things, then they would burrow back into the dirt again. I have no idea how long I watched them, but I was there for a while. I just thought they were so neat.
     Then this morning I thought about it some more, every time the wave comes and leaves them exposed they burrow back in ground again. I thought about this, then I thought about God as the sand and us as the muscles. See, life is the wave, it'll whip us around wash, and us away to destruction. But if we continue to dig into God each day, each time that wave hits, you'll always be safe and home.

Proverbs 18:10
The name of The Lord is a fortified tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.

Controlling my Temper is Hard

     Some people, no matter what will rub you the wrong way. It's nothing that they've actually done, you just have a short tolerance level for them, you find it hard to be patient or understanding to them, but you still love them. That's how I am with my little brother, and one of my aunts. I love them dearly, but I can only handle them in small doses before I get frustrated.
     What brought this up was I woke up with text message from my aunt saying its nice that we went on vacation, but we should have gone where she liked because it's better. I instantly went into anger mode and wanted to send back all sorts of nasty messages, but I didn't. I pushed myself to be polite and reminded myself that's just the way she is, and may be for the time to come. This time she sparked my anger right away, but other times its later in a conversation, but it always will happen whenever I talk to her or my brother.
     They have an 'I am always right, even if I have nothing to base it on,' attitude, so no matter what you are wrong and they will fight about it for hours, without making much sense or many valid points. It drives me insane! But more than that, it brings forward all these trigger points for rage that I am usually very careful about.
      I used to have a really bad temper, we're talking throwing, hitting, breaking, screaming and cussing. I was angry all the time and constantly getting into brawls or disagreements with my family. But I realized after a while that I didn't like the way anger felt, I didn't want to feel that way anymore. So, I learned to control my temper, and I prayed to be released from the rage. And since then I'm a whole new woman except when it comes to them. When I got that text this morning and felt the rage inside again I got disappointed in myself. I tried to calm myself, to rationalize, and talk myself down. And I worked on  making sure that all the messages I sent her were very polite, but I still feel that I failed because I was still angry at nothing.
     Today, I am going to make an effort to do and say nice things about and to my aunt and brother. I need to pray for them, and my responses to them. I know with God I can make this work!

Proverbs 14:17
A quick tempered person does foolish things, and the one who devises evil schemes is hated.

Small, but beautiful

      Yesterday I was digging through the sand on the beach while I laid on my tummy and sun bathed, it was really enjoyable. I was fasnicated by the all the teeny tiny pebbles that made up the sand, the colors and different textures. In it I found the most amazing, perfect little shell. I never would have seen it if I weren't up close but I think it's one of the coolest things I've found so far.
      My husband and I love finding things, old things and natural things of interest or beauty. And I know, for myself, that part of it is I like feeling that connection to the former owner or the Creator. For me, a big part of this trip is remembering to appreciate the little things, to see the beauty and life that is everywhere and try not to take it for granted. I am determined to relax on this trip, but I am also determined to Give God thanks for it each step of the way.

1 Chronicles 16:34
Give thanks to The Lord, for he is good; His love endures forever.

The world is a big place, but it needs love too!

   Last night I got to do something that I never knew if I could before, I got to touch the Atlantic Ocean. Living in land that's a big deal for me, and the event was surreal! If I didn't wake up in a hotel room, and hadn't taken a sea shell from the beach I'd think it was all a dream!
     I'm an outdoorsy kind of girl, and have spent most of my life since childhood playing in the dirt, the mud, and climbing trees in the woods. I never expected to go to the beach so I never looked into much, I told everyone it was because I just wasn't interested in the beach. But now that I have experienced it, and I am amazed!
     It has put in perspective for me just how big our world is! I think I was stuck in the mindset of just thinking about things in the terms of  my little corner of the world, but yesterday reminded me how marlevous and big a world our Creator has masterfully knit together!
      One thing marred this experience for me though, one things sticks out as being upsetting, litter left on the beach. I understand people drop stuff sometimes,we forget stuff and leave it behind by accident, but intentional, deliberate littering is so gross! I hate seeing litter, and when I can I pick it up and throw it out myself. I realize technically, I can pick up all the time, and please forgive me that I don't, but I have some germ issues so if I don't have sanitizer or a plastic bag to pick it up with, I'm not touching it!
     Littering makes me really sad though, and this is my reason behind it, look around at nature, a flower or a tree. Look at and really examine the beauty of it, the function of it, the systems inside it that make it live and breathe, and aid us in making our air breathable, it's a masterpiece! So much love and attention to detail went into creating a planet we could exist on, and to destroy it with our rubbish, to take it for granted, I think is dishonoring to our Father.
     Today, take time to appreciate the beauty around you, allow it to soak into you. Do something to make the world beautiful for someone tomorrow.

Romans 1:20
For since the creation of this world God's invisible qualities-- His eternal power and divine nature-- have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse.

A Lesson in Patience

     Often I struggle to find the right words, I struggle to put something together that I feel in my spirit is pleasing to God. I pray each day for His words and the message He would have me share with His children. And sometimes things really come together, and I give Him all the glory for that, but today is not one of those days. Today is one of those days where I pray, write, delete, and do it all over again. I keep trying though, I keep trying to discern what it is I should share. And maybe today what needs to be shared most, maybe why I have been so frustrated writing today is, that it is important to keep searching, to keep trying to seek Him even when there isn't a clear answer. Sometimes we just have to stand in faith and have patience, we have to just accept things will work out according to His plan, in His time.
      This is a difficult thing for most people, myself included. Patient is a word few people would describe me as and today as I tried the third, and fourth times to write something in the Spirit, and got nothing, I got impatient with God. I got frustrated. I had to take a break from thinking about what I wanted to do and say, and I had to step away from the situation to get some clarity. When I finally came back to it a couple hours later with a more clear mind I read over what I wrote earlier, deleted it and started writing this. As I thought over things, as I thought about my frustration and impatience I saw the lesson in it.
       Things will not go according to my plan all the time, and getting upset over not getting things my way isn't going to change that. Getting frustrated with God and myself isn't going to help. What will help, and what did help was stepping back, and looking at things in a new perspective, thanks to the children I care for I was able to do that. I realized as I listened to one of the babies crying as I fed the other and did my best to speak calmly, and comfortingly to him that sometimes in life we just have to wait and that's all there is to it. Sometimes we have to be patient and allow things to happen, and if at all possible wait in grace and not tantrums. I'm sure someone would love to say something about me saying 'if at all possible' but let me explain that with this, we are human and there will always be times where are flesh gets the better of us.
     I knew this morning that if I was patient and just let the morning unfold as it should that eventually it would all work out, but instead I chose to let myself get upset, I chose to have tantrum and get frustrated, to demand that things happen on my time table. Each time I went back to read what I wrote just to delete again, I became more upset, telling myself if I don't get it done now I never will! Obviously that wasn't true. Things didn't get done on my time table, but they did get done. I wanted to post this morning, but it wasn't right then because God had other plans, He needed to remind me of the importance of being patient and allowing the spirit to work in me. I needed a reminder that things may not always work out how or when I want, but they will work out. Be blessed.

Ecclesiastes 7:8-9

8 The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride. 9 Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.

Hebrews 6:15   
And thus Abraham, having patiently waited, obtained the promise.
  

Forgiving Means Giving up the Hurt

     Forgiving someone who has hurt you can be so painful, especially when they keep doing the same thing that hurt you over again. How many times do you forgive? When does it cross that line of them taking advantage of your goodwill or good nature? I'm not sure if I am qualified to answer that, but I know that Matthew 18:21-22 says this,  21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
      God tells us to forgive; to pray for those who come against you, for those that hurt you, but it's easier said than done. I've realized today that you can trick your mind in to believing you have forgiven someone, but if you are putting restrictions and limitations on that relationship  to protect yourself, you haven't really forgiven. Forgiveness is not just saying the words, or telling yourself that 'it is the right thing to do so, I forgive this person,' then moving on without any heart in it, or without letting go of the hurt.
      To forgive means letting go of the hurt and the offense. Forgiveness means to again make yourself vulnerable to that person, and trusting that they will do their best to be good to you.  I've been telling myself for a while that I forgave someone, but in my heart I've been holding on to that pain and using it as a wall to protect myself from hurting further, but God showed me this morning how wrong I was.
      I've been loving and serving this person on the surface, while inside I was crying because I was hurt and I put up walls to protect myself from being hurt in the future. I'd tell myself that I had forgiven them because I was still trying to do nice things for them despite the offense and I would tell them that I forgave whatever offense had hurt me, but inside my mind would be saying 'see they don't really care, if they did they'd stop hurting you, they know it hurts you, you told them, they just don't care.'
     But God showed me this morning that is not forgiveness. I may have said it, and I may even acted like I did, but in my heart I was still holding on to the pain. And the pain was getting worse because I desired to have a close relationship with this person, but because of the prior hurt I wasn't letting them get close, and pride being what it is convinced me that the reason we weren't as close anymore was their fault not mine. I told myself lots of things about it like they just weren't being fair, they didn't care as much as I do, they don't value me the way I value them because if they did they'd stop.
     When I stepped back this morning though and really looked at the situation, my actions and motives, and theirs; I realized I was wrong. I realized I was the problem and not a victim. This person has been trying all along, they've been doing their best with where they are now and trying to figure out what it is that would heal our situation. They've been working at it, but my hurt kept getting in the way of seeing that. Instead I rejected their attempts, I even would lash out at them and pull away more, then get upset when things were tense and uncomfortable, then blame them again.
      Forgiveness means to give up the hurt, because if you hold onto it, it WILL poison you and any relationships you have. No, you should not let people take advantage of you, and always tell someone when you feel that they are. But leave the hurt behind, don't carry it with you. People are people, we will all fail, we are all works in progress. If someone is really trying, then give up the hurt and do your best to support and encourage them, and yes they will hurt you again, and guess what you will definitely hurt them too. I can say without doubt that everybody is going to screw up sometimes, but if we build on a foundation of love and genuine forgiveness rather than one of old hurts and let downs, then we are building a lasting relationship.

Proverbs 17:9

9 Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends.
    

Breaking Away the Chains

     Sometimes faith is in the battle just to believe, just to hang on when everything you see and hear tells you otherwise. This morning I am thinking of Job and his struggle. I am certain that people still go through similar battles as he did, because I've seen it. I'm watching someone struggle in the same ways, though not the same attacks, and just like with Job the trial seems endless, but this person has a strong heart and a great love for God, I know he will be restored because God is unchanging, if He restored Job after his time of trial, he will restore this man too.
     This person I know doesn't see himself the way I do, I look at him and see a man with a faith so strong that he endures illness, anxiety, and depression everyday, but won't renounce God. He gets angry sure, and he gets frustrated, he is stuck and struggling to hold on, but he does everyday for over two years. This man still prays, praises, and hangs on in spite of everything he has endured. There have been times where it looked like it was going to get better, and  he started to pull himself out of the darkness, only to have the rug pulled out from under him again, leaving him laying on the ground asking 'why?'
     I have not always seen him the way I am now, in the past I have lost my patience with him time and time again, even blaming him, saying it was a lack of faith that has kept him stuck, but recently God has opened my eyes and allowed me to see the bigger picture. It was never a lack of faith, faith that the storm would pass has kept him going actually, it is a heavy burden of fear that holds him down. It is fear that has him bound up and held hostage in his own mind.
     Someone reading this is asking the same thing I have been thinking, and saying for a long time now, isn't that fear a sign of a lack of faith? I mean Jesus even said to his disciples "ye of little faith' when they were scared. But no, I think I am starting to understand  its not a sign of lack of faith, it's a symptom, and symptoms can be treated before it becomes the full blown illness.
     But how do you treat fear? This is where this person and I have gotten to, how do we break the hold? Everyday I pray over him, I have asked for prayer on his behalf many times, this person prays and begs God to release him too. But each day it is still there, telling him lies about death, destruction that he is weak, and that God is far away and has forgotten him.
     I think, and I will be honest about this I am in no way certain that I am right, but I think in order to combat the lies of fear, I need to keep pouring truth over him. He needs to see and recognize the truth inside himself,  and when he realizes how much he has overcome just by holding on that he will know he can conquer fear with God, that God never left him, but has protected him from the destruction that fear can so often cause in people. I don't know how long it will take until the chains of fear are broken over this person, but I do know that God will break them, and He will use this person's struggle to see someone else through. That is one of the beauties of struggling, that's the hidden gift. Once our chains are broken, we can help break other's.    
   
Job 33:26
He prayeth unto God, and He is favourable unto him; so that he seeth His face with joy; and He restoreth unto man his righteousness.

Job 42:10
And the LORD turned the captivity of Job, when he prayed for his friends: also the LORD gave Job twice as much as he had before.

An Overcomer, Not a Surivor

     Survivor by definition means a person who continues to function or prosper in spite of opposition, hardship, or setbacks. For a long time that was how I identified myself, I survived a house fire and two near drownings before I was six years old. I survived being sexually assaulted, and my own abuse of drugs and alcohol. I survived being bullied by my peers for most of the years I spent in school. I survived more than one emotionally and psychologically abusive relationships, I survived through the depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. Everyday that's all I thought about, surviving one more day and trying to make it.
      But recently there has been a song playing on Klove that has gotten into my head and I can't let go of it. It's 'Overcomer' by Mandisa, (not sure if I spelled her name right or not so please forgive me!)  the more I have listened to this song the more it seems to resonate with me, until I realized one day that it was because I am not a survivor, I am an overcomer through Jesus Christ.
      An overcomer isn't some one who just gets through something and goes on with life, they are someone who, by definition, prevails, conquers, or defeats the opposition. And this is what I feel has happened, because I am no longer just surviving after these events in my life, I am no longer just living with the memories, but God is using them and healing the scars that were left behind. He has taken all the pain, and heart break from what could have broken me, or killed me, to be blunt, and has given in it's a place an opportunity to use it to help others.
      I am no longer calling myself a survivor, because I am not merely surviving, I am thriving within the Lord, our great comforter and restorer. When we finally decide to let go of the pain, to hand it over to God and allow Him to use it for His purposes, it is possible to overcome anything. We were not meant to just simply survive, but to overcome our opposition and in doing so proclaiming the glory of our heavenly Father, because it is through Him all strength to overcome is found.

Romans 12:21
21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

1 John 4:4

4 You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.