First, let me share with you a little about my husband. Nick is the type of man that doesn't like to be told what to do, he can be asked to do things, and you can discuss ideas with him, but to tell him 'this is what we are doing and this is how it will be done,' is a sure fire way of getting him to not want any part of it. This took time to learn how to handle, I sought out advice from wordly books or magazines on this and other women, mostly older women but some of my peers who were married too. Everything they suggested though added up to manipulation, nagging, or being demanding. They told me how to put things into his head and convince him it was his idea so he'd do what I wanted, and it worked, but I felt guilty, it felt like lying. The nagging didn't work either, things got done, but it caused tension between us, and he was more often cross. Being assertive and demanding didn't work either, it trampled his sense of family position and left him discouraged and resentful. Their advice got me things in the short term, but it damaged the relationship we had, because of it I started to feel low and less loved by him, and he felt disrespected by me and frustrated by my nagging.
Another thing about my husband is, that for a long time after we were married he struggled with faith, depression and anxiety, he is still suffering from these struggles but is on the road to recovery. This coupled with my own struggles against depression and anxiety put further strain on our marriage. I was getting better and he was getting worse, so I tried to tell Nick how to get better, what he should be doing to help, and what he was doing wrong. This further aggravated things, he shut down and pulled away the more I nagged him. I started to take the lead in our relationship, assuming the role of head of house, because I was frustrated by his anxieties and how they affected his ability to make decisions, this pushed him further away, hurting us both more and creating even more tension and distance. I became very lonely in what was once the most fulfilling relationship in my life. We were best friends, we did everything together and always got along great! Now though, we mostly sat in tense silence to avoid snapping at the other or being snapped at. I knew in my heart something had to change, this was not what either of us had ever wanted, we were best friends not enemies, and somehow we had to get back to that if this marriage was going to work for both of us.
So I finally did what I should have done from the start. I stopped running to the phone with the problems in my marriage, I stopped seeking out advice from secular therapist and magazines, and I started asking my Father to heal what was broken. This is my grand secret to what changed things for us. I started praying for my marriage, praying for my husband, praying for myself, and started applying respect. When he frustrated me, I'd pray about it, and sometimes as I prayed I realized that I was getting upset over something trivial that would be better to just cover with grace and move on from. Other times I vented to God and I prayed for changes in Nick to occur; then God would show me how I needed to change too. This is what worked, this was what changed things for us. I started focusing on the good in him and let God deal with what is less than perfect in us both. I started to trust that everything was going to be fine between us, because we have the Lord in our hearts and He has us in the palm of His hand.
I wrote this today hoping to share my experience and the knowledge that the Lord provided through this experience because it is so easy to get lost and lose what is really important to us when we are looking at the world. When we aren't taking our issues to God first its easy to wind up seeking things out of our selfish desires, to act on hurt with hurt rather than forgiveness, or not stop to think about the long term effects of our actions. It's easy to let the gossip in and taint what you have, but if you instead go to God first, and let Him lead you things just seem to fall into place. When you learn to lean on God, and to love like He loves your relationships will succeed, because God is not only our example of unconditional love, but is love Himself. Be blessed.
Colossians 2:8
See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ.
James 1:5
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.
1 Corinthians 13:4-13
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
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