Turn Around

      In the past I was careless and cruel with other people's emotions because I was defensive and afraid of being hurt again. I was afraid to trust, afraid to feel, afraid to be vulnerable, afraid to even be happy because I was always expecting the rug to be pulled out from underneath me and to once again be looking up at the sky and asking God 'why me?' I was afraid of hope, because I might lose it. I was afraid to believe in forgiveness, because what if I didn't deserve it? I was afraid I was going to hell on the inside and I wished I could escape that fate, but on the outside I walked in the ways of the world and tried to look like I was enjoying it just like everybody else. I believed the lies that rang in my ears telling me I was already condemned, it didn't matter what I did, that the ways of the world were the only choice left, that I had done to much for grace to cover me. I was depressed and anxious all the time, hiding in the darkness where my sins could not be so easily seen, trapped in a cage of despair and loneliness that I had unknowingly built by my choices.
      I was weak and hurting from years of struggling with the demons in my mind, I couldn't take anymore, I couldn't fight the darkness anymore on my own, I couldn't control myself. My life was falling apart around me, and I didn't want to hang on anymore, I didn't think I could. Breathing had become a chore, and life a battle that I wasn't sure I could endure as thoughts of suicide persisted in my mind. I knew then I needed to let go and let God handle it, before things got worse, but I didn't know how. Then  Jesus stepped in. He heard my repentant cries for relief and forgiveness, for help to overcome, for strength to endure, and my need for Him to guide me, because my way had left me empty and ever since then He has been teaching me, answering this prayer.
      Turn around isn't easy, it didn't happen over night. Honestly, I'm still a work in progress, but I'm miles from who I was. Turn around has been a day to day process, a slow changing of my heart and thought patterns. A gradual changing of my lifestyle as things are peeled away and I seek to be nearer Him. It's been a changing of my surroundings and the people in my life. And there's been repentance many times over, and more than one admittance of my weakness as I learn to trust in His strength. It's been humbling, and I pray that I stay humble in this walk because I want to serve Him as He served others. Turn around has taken me from the cage of despair and shadows to freedom and light, from loneliness to knowing I'm never truly alone. In turning around, turning away from the world and the things it praises I have found what I always wanted, peace and rest for my soul, joy, and lasting hope, things not of this world, but Christ alone.
      It's never too late to turn around, to make a change, to turn away from the life you live in the pursuit of something more fulfilling. It's never too late to let go of the past and look for something better in the future. It's not too late now to change, to be a better person, to make better choices, and free yourself from the cage in you're in. Jesus is waiting for, just turn around.

Ezekiel 18:21-23   
“But if a wicked person turns away from all his sins that he has committed and keeps all my statutes and does what is just and right, he shall surely live; he shall not die. None of the transgressions that he has committed shall be remembered against him; for the righteousness that he has done he shall live. Have I any pleasure in the death of the wicked, declares the Lord God, and not rather that he should turn from his way and live?

Acts 3:19
Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord,

1 John 1:9   
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Revelation 2:5   
Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first. If not, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent