A long time ago someone did something to me that was completely terrible, something that many I know would say was unforgivable. For a long time I was frightened by this person, I wouldn't allow myself to be alone with them, and I avoided them as much as I could, which is hard because they are part of my family. I will be honest and tell you I hated this person, I really hated them, and hate is an emotion I have difficulty feeling, I dislike things, I get angered by them, but I don't usually feel so strongly about something to truly hate it, especially people, but I hated this person for what they did to me.
Then, one day I realized that I had the power to get past this situation, that I didn't have to be a victim any more and I could do the impossible and forgive this person and move on. It took time to work through my hate and let it go, but when I did I felt better and more confident. I thought that I had forgiven them in my heart, but I realized today that's not true.
After I let go of the hate and realized that I was safe, that they would never hurt me again I lost my fear of this person. But I didn't actually forgive them. I have gloated in my heart over the fact that they can't hurt me anymore, I took pleasure in the fact that they could see they hadn't broken me and that I was doing well. And eventually I realized that I had power over them because they now felt guilty, they now felt uncomfortable around me. It was intoxicating.
Today, I realized the error of my ways, my pride and un-forgiveness on this matter were revealed to me and it broke my heart to realize how I had deceived myself and in a sense manipulated this person as punishment for their prior wrong. I took pleasure in their discomfort and remorse and was too prideful to realize that this was a sign that I had not truly forgiven them. Forgiveness is total release, and I think by confessing like this today I have finally achieved that.
I pray that if anyone else who reads this has deceived themselves in this same type of manner that they see the truth now. I pray that they have the strength and bravery to confess it to the Father and ask for His forgiveness. And I pray that they have the grace to move forward in life with genuine forgiveness in their hearts.
Matthew 6:14
For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you
Ephesians 4:31-32
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
1 John 1:8-9
If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
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