Dealing With Myself

       Yesterday holding my younger cousin's eight month old baby son I was jealous. Watching my older cousin's children play and run and laugh had much the same effect. I felt up until then that I had been doing really well lately with being patient and waiting on God to bless us with a baby, and I didn't seem to feel as jealous in general, until yesterday. Surrounded by my family and all of their little ones was hard, especially when it seemed like all the women only had one question to ask me "So when is it your turn?"
       I think I could have gotten through the day quite well had no one asked me. If I had been allowed to experience the day without that reminder of where I have long felt my life was lacking. If I had been permitted to be left alone on the subject that I have no control over anyway that would have been great. But instead I was badgered by Aunt's, my female cousin, and cousin's wives'.
       I did my best not appear bothered, not to appear jealous or hurt in any way, and maybe that was wrong. Maybe I should start to tell my family how much it hurts that I don't have child, something I have always wanted. Maybe I should explain to them that I am trying to bare things as best I can, and it's hard when I am constantly reminded of it. That I love being around them and the kids but when I keep getting asked when we will start a family like I have some control over it, that it stirs up feelings of hurt, jealousy and sometimes even resentment.
       I've realized as I was typing this that not telling the truth, even when I'm not actually lying is just as bad. Keeping back truth because I think I am doing somebody a favor is just as wrong as lying. I have been punishing myself by not speaking up, and allowing my family's excitement over wanting me to have a little one of my own hurt me. I should have said something about it when they first started asking a couple years ago and I could have avoided a lot of the pain.  I guess even in this situation honesty is best, God's way is always best.

Proverbs 11:3        
The integrity of the upright guides them, but the crookedness of the treacherous destroys them.

Proverbs 16:13        
Righteous lips are the delight of a king, and he loves him who speaks what is right.

Ephesians 4:25        
Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.

Colossians 3:8-11
But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.