I have never questioned the existence of God, but there were many years where I lived in direct and intentional disobedience to Him. I had watched helplessly for a year as a girl I had grown up with wasted away and died from a vicious form of childhood cancer, this particular form of cancer had had only 5 survivors and all were boys. I was told repeatedly when I asked why God would allow this to happen that it was His will and I just had to accept it, this did not sit well. At thirteen I became very angry at God because of this, I wanted to hurt Him because He had hurt me by making my friend suffer and die, by taking away my parent's good health and forcing me into a position of responsibility, for taking so much of my family all around the same time, and causing my grandfather to have another stroke, for all this pain and more I wanted to punish God.
I no longer believed in the loving God that I had spent hours talking to as a child, I saw Him now as cruel and uncaring, and I didn't want a relationship with Him anymore. I rejected Him, and His salvation and started blindly wandering around trying to find my own way. I started to mess around with witchcraft, I drank a lot, took pills, smoked cigarettes, swore like a sailor, and was so cold to people that I earned the name 'ice queen' from a group of friends. I did all of it with every intent in my heart to hurt God, and I know I succeed because I know now it hurts Him when we break His laws.
No matter what I did to hurt Him though, God stayed with me. God waited patiently for me to come back to Him, to recognize that He did love me and had been there to comfort me had I only turned to Him. But I didn't see it or maybe I just didn't want to believe it then, I wasn't ready. I was growing everyday more depressed and angry as I grew away from Him and I couldn't understand why He wouldn't let me die when I wanted too, I couldn't understand why He stopped it, but had taken my friend when she wanted to live. I couldn't comprehend that it all had purpose, all I saw was my pain and I blamed God.
Why I am talking about all of this? What point am I getting at? If you have been feeling unworthy, like your past is so bad that God can never forgive you I want you to know He can and He will if you're ready to change. If God can forgive my open and direct rebellion He can forgive your sin too, He wants to forgive us, John 3:16 says 'For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.' Jesus opened the door to your forgiveness and is waiting on you to enter it, don't worry whether you're good enough, He will make you good. Don't be afraid or ashamed because He will cleanse you of who you are and change your heart when it is offered completely and who you were will be forgotten, (1 John 1:9).
Psalm 111:9
He sent redemption to his people; he has commanded his covenant forever. Holy and awesome is his name!
Isaiah 44:21-22
Remember these things, O Jacob, and Israel, for you are my servant; I formed you; you are my servant; O Israel, you will not be forgotten by me. I have blotted out your transgressions like a cloud and your sins like mist; return to me, for I have redeemed you.
Luke 13-1-5
1 Now there were some present at that time who told Jesus about the Galileans whose blood Pilate had mixed with their sacrifices. 2 Jesus answered, “Do you think that these Galileans were worse sinners than all the other Galileans because they suffered this way? 3 I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish. 4 Or those eighteen who died when the tower in Siloam fell on them—do you think they were more guilty than all the others living in Jerusalem? 5 I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish.”
John 11:25-26
25 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; 26 and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
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