I made some serious changes in my life after all of that and I started to work hard at becoming a woman I would be honored to have my sister look up to, I started to seek God again at this point because I knew I couldn't change without Him. The first couple of years after all of this I was still pretty lukewarm to be honest, I prayed most days, went to church regularly, and occasionally read my Bible, but I didn't really make Jesus a big part of my life, faith was more of a moral compass for me than a real relationship. At this time my relationship with God was pretty much that I prayed when I needed something and that was about it. Then a storm of tragic and difficult circumstances blew through my world and suddenly I realized I needed more than just going through the motions to keep from falling back into the pit.
I started to pray that I would be closer to Him and that I would know Him personally and feel His presence daily, I knew I wouldn't be able to get through everything without Him, I knew I couldn't go back to the person I was and hated and I knew I couldn't stay on course without Him. What I didn't realize was that to get closer to God and build the kind of relationship I was seeking is that I would have to again face the girl I had been and confess the darkness that was in my heart, the thing I had hiding. I would have to hold out all the pain and all secrets to Him and let Him have them all. I had to break down my defenses and become completely vulnerable and broken before my God, completely exposed to Him.
The amazing thing was, once I came to Him offering everything and holding nothing back I was completely overcome with His presence. Suddenly, I felt peace, comfort, strength, joy and forgiveness all at once. I felt reassured and certain that God was with me, that He would see me through, and build me into the person I needed to be for His purpose. What I have learned from this experience, and what I hope you take away from this is that if you truly want a relationship with God, if you really want to know Jesus, if you really want to feel His presence in fullness, you must be honest with God and yourself. Not because God doesn't already know what's in your heart, but because He is waiting for you to give it to Him in humbleness. He wants you to come to Him offering everything you have and allowing Him to cleanse you of all your impurities.
2 Chronicles 7:14
If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land.
Isaiah 66:2
All these things my hand has made, and so all these things came to be, declares the Lord. But this is the one to whom I will look: he who is humble and contrite in spirit and trembles at my word.
Luke 18:9-14
To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable: “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’
“But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’
“I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”
1 Peter 5:6-7
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
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