I try not to be one of the writers who caters to itching ears and will only say what will get them followers and lots of praise. Yes most of my post are positive and encouraging, I believe encouragement is my spiritual gift much like Nehemiah, but I don't want to leave you deceived either, God must be first and we must turn away from sin to follow Him. We aren't to look like the world and we aren't to do the immoral things the world condones(Exodus 19:5-6; 1 Peter 2:9), and that's the hard part, that's where we struggle with temptations.
The world makes partying and casual sex look normal and fun, it makes drug use look exciting and like it's even acceptable on some programs. It makes Christians look like dorks who are uncool and uptight squares or hateful angry people who just want to tell you that you are going to hell. It makes it tempting to try to be part of the world and to claim Jesus too, but that's not the way it works. Jesus tells us we can't serve two masters (Matthew 6:24), and it's really true, I tried.
I tried to be in the world in the party scene getting drunk and loud with my "friends" watching programs and reading books that filled my mind with smut and tried to normalize behavior that God calls an abomination. I defended and justified that behavior, I called it acceptable and said it couldn't be helped or changed, I tried to say that it was okay to spare the feelings of others and because I didn't want to believe that God would send anyone to hell. I wanted sin to be okay for them and me. I wanted God's love and to fit in too, to finally feel accepted, but I never did, not until I started to walk away from the ways of the world and to follow God.
That acceptance came with a price though, to be accepted by God I had to be willing to choose God's truth over the world, I had to be willing to sacrifice my beliefs, feelings, and wants for what the Bible says but it didn't happen all at once. Stage by stage or layer by layer God has removed the blinders from my eyes that I may see the truth and accept His word. Slowly He has striped away my false beliefs and the lies I told myself to comfort me in my sins. He has made me accept what the Bible says and place my own beliefs aside, causing me to repent from much of what I thought, did, and said.
Acceptance has been a journey but it has come with much reward. No longer do I feel like an outcast, although I don't fit in with a lot of people, some even Christians, I KNOW I am accepted by God and that gives me confidence and peace in my soul. I no longer suffer from suicidal thoughts, shame, or the heavy burdens of guilt and condemnation. Instead I have peace and confidence that I am on the right path, I have hope and joy even when things are hard. I no longer wonder about where I will go or what will happen when I die, I can rest in God's promise of paradise for those that love Him and follow His ways. I no longer wake up scared or reliving the darkest moments of my life, instead I wake up to the sounds of the bible playing in my room and often worship songs in my head. By sacrificing what the world says is true and acceptable I have lost friends, I have had to walk away from some, but I don't for a second regret it, my life has been better without those influences. I have had to change a lot of who I was to get to where I am now, but it was worth every change, every struggle to let go and accept God's way.
Today I encourage anyone who has been on the fence, anyone who has struggled with accepting God's truth over what the world teaches to start this journey back to God. He will change you, He will change your life and you will have to make sacrifices, you will lose friends and have people who just don't understand, but that's okay. Whatever the cost I promise it's worth it, it's worth everything you give up and what you will gain in return will make you never want to go back. Remember brothers and sisters, we aren't like the world, we are set a part to shine in the darkness and confusion of this time, let us shine brightly in love and walk in the ways of the Father. In Yeshua's name be blessed.
Psalm 119:9
How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word.
John 15:19
If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you.
John 17:16-18
16 They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. 17 Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth. 18 As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world.
Romans 12:2
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect
Thursday, April 28, 2016
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
Walking Back into Worth
When I was a little girl my daddy always called me princess, and I would frequently tell people that Elvis wasn't the King my daddy was, and I really believed that. I wasn't wealthy, we didn't live in a big or grand house but I felt like a princess. I didn't get my way all the time, my parents disciplined me, they expected me to obey and be respectful, but I still felt like a princess. I was deeply loved by my parents and smothered with affection, I didn't have a care in the world because I knew my parents would provide for me all that I needed, even if I didn't always get what I wanted. Then I went to school and the image and feeling I had about myself being a princess was quickly destroyed by my peers.
Soon I saw myself as worthless, fat, unlikable, undeserving of affection, and a nuisance just by existing. I was no longer a princess, I was trash, not worth anything and with no purpose other than to be kicked around by others. This perception of myself, this lack of self worth infected every part of my life, leaving me bitter, angry, depressed, and broken inside. Eventually I hated my parents and felt the need to rebel against them despite the love, support, protection and affection they had always shown me. Really I think I hated myself and just took it out on them.
Then I started going to church and became a youth leader, but if I'm honest my perception of myself hadn't changed and in truth I was just trying to earn salvation. I wanted to be redeemed, I wanted to know the Lord and get free from the anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts that plagued me and I thought if I could help teens younger than myself form that relationship maybe God would take pity on me. This however is not the way it works, and I must say I was actually a poor youth leader, I quickly got wrapped up in trying to get the kids to like me and didn't serve them the way that I should have. The one good thing that came from this experience though was a sermon that felt like the Pastor was speaking right to me. It was the first time I really heard what it meant to be a Christian, that we were to die to sin and live in Yeshua. For the first time I realized I couldn't have both and I would have to sacrifice one. For the first time I realized to get rid of my shame and be free of my self perception I would have to change, but I wasn't ready then.
It would be about 4-5 more years before I could finally hand it all to God and let go of my former life completely, it would take an emotional breakdown that nearly cost me my job and sent me to a therapist before I could finally realize my way would never work. But even through all this my self-image was still badly distorted. Though I began to like myself better and to have a genuine relationship with the Father I still didn't believe in my heart of hearts that I was worthy of being His daughter. I still felt that no matter what my past would forever keep me from being the princess I once was. I would tell myself and pray all the time that just being a servant to the King was enough, that if I could just serve Him and help others I could be satisfied, and this was true for me but God wanted to give me back the perception of myself I had lost, He wanted more for me.
Over the last two years God placed a very special friend in my life who would remind me often that to God I was a princess, His princess. Anytime I got too low or worried she would remind me that I was the daughter of a King, and not just any King the King, the daughter of a God who is the creator of the whole earth and that His word says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). And soon I saw myself in the story of the prodigal(Luke 15:11-32), resigned and satisfied with the idea of being a servant in my Father's household because I thought that was what I deserved for my wild and wicked ways, but that my Father in His great love and mercy sought to restore me to my place of honor at His table, to forget my sins and love me back into the fold with welcoming arms and celebration. Because of this understanding I started to see that I did have worth, I was more than my past and I really was loved. I started to have confidence again and now proudly tell anyone who will listen that my Daddy is the King again because I know I am a princess in His court, a daughter loved and valued, redeemed from the field where I had fed the pigs.
Today my heart is to let everyone know that God loves them deeply and longs to restore you to His kingdom, to your rightful place as an heir through Jesus (Galatians 3:29: Romans 8:17). Today I want anyone who is the in the field feeding the pigs to know that your Father will take you back, give you a new robe and ring, and restore your value to you. Brothers and sisters, today please know that you have value, please know you are loved, and that you have worth, and are worthy. Know that God can and does forgive when we approach Him humbly with a heart of repentance. Be blessed today and always my dear family.
Jeremiah 31:3
The Lord appeared to him from far away. I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.
Zephaniah 3:17
The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.
Ephesians 1:5-6
He predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved.
Galatians 4:7
So you are no longer a slave, but God's child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir
Soon I saw myself as worthless, fat, unlikable, undeserving of affection, and a nuisance just by existing. I was no longer a princess, I was trash, not worth anything and with no purpose other than to be kicked around by others. This perception of myself, this lack of self worth infected every part of my life, leaving me bitter, angry, depressed, and broken inside. Eventually I hated my parents and felt the need to rebel against them despite the love, support, protection and affection they had always shown me. Really I think I hated myself and just took it out on them.
Then I started going to church and became a youth leader, but if I'm honest my perception of myself hadn't changed and in truth I was just trying to earn salvation. I wanted to be redeemed, I wanted to know the Lord and get free from the anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts that plagued me and I thought if I could help teens younger than myself form that relationship maybe God would take pity on me. This however is not the way it works, and I must say I was actually a poor youth leader, I quickly got wrapped up in trying to get the kids to like me and didn't serve them the way that I should have. The one good thing that came from this experience though was a sermon that felt like the Pastor was speaking right to me. It was the first time I really heard what it meant to be a Christian, that we were to die to sin and live in Yeshua. For the first time I realized I couldn't have both and I would have to sacrifice one. For the first time I realized to get rid of my shame and be free of my self perception I would have to change, but I wasn't ready then.
It would be about 4-5 more years before I could finally hand it all to God and let go of my former life completely, it would take an emotional breakdown that nearly cost me my job and sent me to a therapist before I could finally realize my way would never work. But even through all this my self-image was still badly distorted. Though I began to like myself better and to have a genuine relationship with the Father I still didn't believe in my heart of hearts that I was worthy of being His daughter. I still felt that no matter what my past would forever keep me from being the princess I once was. I would tell myself and pray all the time that just being a servant to the King was enough, that if I could just serve Him and help others I could be satisfied, and this was true for me but God wanted to give me back the perception of myself I had lost, He wanted more for me.
Over the last two years God placed a very special friend in my life who would remind me often that to God I was a princess, His princess. Anytime I got too low or worried she would remind me that I was the daughter of a King, and not just any King the King, the daughter of a God who is the creator of the whole earth and that His word says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). And soon I saw myself in the story of the prodigal(Luke 15:11-32), resigned and satisfied with the idea of being a servant in my Father's household because I thought that was what I deserved for my wild and wicked ways, but that my Father in His great love and mercy sought to restore me to my place of honor at His table, to forget my sins and love me back into the fold with welcoming arms and celebration. Because of this understanding I started to see that I did have worth, I was more than my past and I really was loved. I started to have confidence again and now proudly tell anyone who will listen that my Daddy is the King again because I know I am a princess in His court, a daughter loved and valued, redeemed from the field where I had fed the pigs.
Today my heart is to let everyone know that God loves them deeply and longs to restore you to His kingdom, to your rightful place as an heir through Jesus (Galatians 3:29: Romans 8:17). Today I want anyone who is the in the field feeding the pigs to know that your Father will take you back, give you a new robe and ring, and restore your value to you. Brothers and sisters, today please know that you have value, please know you are loved, and that you have worth, and are worthy. Know that God can and does forgive when we approach Him humbly with a heart of repentance. Be blessed today and always my dear family.
Jeremiah 31:3
The Lord appeared to him from far away. I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.
Zephaniah 3:17
The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.
Ephesians 1:5-6
He predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved.
Galatians 4:7
So you are no longer a slave, but God's child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir
Monday, April 25, 2016
Justifying Temptation and the Finding Strength to Overcome It
This morning as I was praying and getting ready for work I thought about the ways we often try to justify our sins. How we often hide even from ourselves that the things we are doing are wrong. We tell ourselves comforting things like it's just a book, who cares if there's sex in it I'm not watching porn, it's not lust controlling me, or me feeding it. It's okay if I tell a white lie, no one will know and it will spare their feelings. It's okay to treat this person badly because they never do anything good for me any ways. It's okay for me to go out and have 'fun' at the club like other people, to get drunk and rowdy, after all I'm not as bad as so-so, they do it all the time. Or I'm such a good person most of the time so it doesn't really matter if I sin in this way because my good out weighs the bad and I can just ask God's forgiveness and everything will be okay.
We want this to be the way it works, we want it to be okay to have Jesus and our sin. We want to hold onto Him and blindly ignore the faults in our character, the sins that lurk below the surface and keep us from getting to new levels of glory in Him. We want to believe that we can just say I'm sorry and go on living with that sin and that everything is okay. But let me ask you this, how sincere do you think someone is when they say they are sorry and keep on doing the things that they shouldn't be? How sorry do you think someone is when they apologize but they don't even understand what they did wrong in the first place and don't care to really find out? I'm not trying to come down anyone today, but I am trying to get you to look honestly at yourself and your actions.
This is something that God has been walking me through in myself. He has been having me strip away my justifications and really look at my actions, look at the root of what they are and where they come from. Something which resulted this weekend in a huge internal struggle as I did my best to resist the temptation first on my own, then by focusing on the King. It wasn't easy, I almost failed as it overwhelmed me and my mind went through all the ways I could justify my action, but as it did, for the first time I saw clearly that was what I was doing, justifying an action to soothe my conscious and make it okay in my own mind. Seeing that and being honest about it with myself enabled me to do what I always had the power to do, I called on Yeshua, and I talked to Him. I focused on Him, and soon the temptation left me all together.
For months I have prayed for His strength to stand up to these things and do right by my Father's standards. I have asked for forgiveness and continued in the sin. I have justified my actions and then let guilt weigh on my mind. In the moment when the temptation came about I would give in, ignoring the voice that called me another way and let my desires take full reign. But finally this weekend I saw what I was doing and called on Jesus in that moment of weakness. I realized that all these months I had the strength and the secret to overcoming these sins but did not use it, because honestly part of me wanted to keep doing it. This struggle humbled me, it reminded me that though I may sometimes see myself as righteous I still have a long way to go, and it also reminded me that the secret to overcoming any temptation is being in communion with God. That it is not by our strength that we resist the enemy but by His.
Brothers and sisters, today I ask you to look honestly at your hearts, what actions are you justifying? What things have you tried to hide from yourself in order to protect that sin? What is the root of your action in this area, grace or sin? Look to your heart, and examine it not by man's standard but by the standard of a righteous God who says that to look at a woman with lust is to have committed adultery (Matthew 5:27-28) and that to hate your brother is murder (Matthew 5:21-22). Be blessed in the name of our risen Lord Yeshua.
1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
Galatians 5:16
But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.
Hebrews 2:18
For because he himself has suffered when tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.
James 4:7
Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
We want this to be the way it works, we want it to be okay to have Jesus and our sin. We want to hold onto Him and blindly ignore the faults in our character, the sins that lurk below the surface and keep us from getting to new levels of glory in Him. We want to believe that we can just say I'm sorry and go on living with that sin and that everything is okay. But let me ask you this, how sincere do you think someone is when they say they are sorry and keep on doing the things that they shouldn't be? How sorry do you think someone is when they apologize but they don't even understand what they did wrong in the first place and don't care to really find out? I'm not trying to come down anyone today, but I am trying to get you to look honestly at yourself and your actions.
This is something that God has been walking me through in myself. He has been having me strip away my justifications and really look at my actions, look at the root of what they are and where they come from. Something which resulted this weekend in a huge internal struggle as I did my best to resist the temptation first on my own, then by focusing on the King. It wasn't easy, I almost failed as it overwhelmed me and my mind went through all the ways I could justify my action, but as it did, for the first time I saw clearly that was what I was doing, justifying an action to soothe my conscious and make it okay in my own mind. Seeing that and being honest about it with myself enabled me to do what I always had the power to do, I called on Yeshua, and I talked to Him. I focused on Him, and soon the temptation left me all together.
For months I have prayed for His strength to stand up to these things and do right by my Father's standards. I have asked for forgiveness and continued in the sin. I have justified my actions and then let guilt weigh on my mind. In the moment when the temptation came about I would give in, ignoring the voice that called me another way and let my desires take full reign. But finally this weekend I saw what I was doing and called on Jesus in that moment of weakness. I realized that all these months I had the strength and the secret to overcoming these sins but did not use it, because honestly part of me wanted to keep doing it. This struggle humbled me, it reminded me that though I may sometimes see myself as righteous I still have a long way to go, and it also reminded me that the secret to overcoming any temptation is being in communion with God. That it is not by our strength that we resist the enemy but by His.
Brothers and sisters, today I ask you to look honestly at your hearts, what actions are you justifying? What things have you tried to hide from yourself in order to protect that sin? What is the root of your action in this area, grace or sin? Look to your heart, and examine it not by man's standard but by the standard of a righteous God who says that to look at a woman with lust is to have committed adultery (Matthew 5:27-28) and that to hate your brother is murder (Matthew 5:21-22). Be blessed in the name of our risen Lord Yeshua.
1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
Galatians 5:16
But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.
Hebrews 2:18
For because he himself has suffered when tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.
James 4:7
Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
Friday, April 22, 2016
Learning to Live Honest
Honesty has become very important in my life for many reasons. I used to lie a lot, I used to hide things a lot, and then I'd have to lie more to cover up those secrets. This caused a lot of stress and anxiety in my life. Constantly hiding, constantly covering my tracks. I was sick all the time with it. And the people I associated with weren't much better at being honest. Eventually, I got sick of it, sick of hearing all the garbage and their stories that constantly changed, sick of catching them in lies, sick of lying myself and sick of hiding.
So when I met my husband I decided to take a different approach to things, I would be totally honest with him no matter how much it hurt, how scary it was and how hard. And for me that meant not only being honest about myself, and my life but not keeping secrets from him either, I always tell people 'if you don't want Nick to know don't tell me, I don't keep secrets from my husband.' Nick took a similar approach to our relationship, on our very first date he told me all his faults, all the things other girls had hassled him about, he told me this is who he was and if I didn't like it or I wasn't looking for someone like that I could leave. Some women would be mortified at such a statement (his mother was when I told her, lol) but I was relieved. I honestly sat there a minute processing what he had said and my experiences in life thus far and decided I liked him and could live with the faults he had. I appreciated his honesty and it attracted me to him even more, this and a mutual faith in Jesus Christ became the foundation for our relationship.
As our relationship deepened and we continued on this path of honesty with each other and even ourselves I found I liked being honest. I wasn't as sick anymore and I felt better about myself, I started to like me and I really trusted him. I won't say that I totally trusted him right away though, my experiences in the past taught me to be skeptical, taught me to doubt his sincerity and even his faithfulness, especially when I had someone from my past trying to make me doubt him and break the relationship up. After sometime I took those accusations and concerns to him, and he laughed. He reassured me of his feelings and of his faithfulness to me, and when I sat down and thought about who was telling me these things I took his side, he had been honest from the start, and they lied to me consistently, shortly after this I would break ties for good with this person and my life has truly been better since.
Years have gone by now and honesty has gone from something I had in one relationship to something I strive for in all relationships. It isn't always easy to be honest with people, some times I actually offend people when I am honest with them because what I say is not what they want to hear, but I still rather be honest, be a person of integrity. People who know me now know that they can trust what I say, they know that if I tell them something it is the truth to fullest of my knowledge and if I am sure of how factual my information is I will tell them that too.
Living honestly, as God has told us to has changed my life for the better, it has stopped the constant feeling of being sick that I used to have all the time. It has decreased my anxiety, and improved my relationships with the people I'm closest to, and it has enabled me to look myself in the eyes in the mirror and actually feel good about the person I am. In living honestly I have learned that I am truly loving people by being open and by being someone they can trust. I have learned that as scary as it is at times to be honest it is also freeing, allowing you to be truly who you were created to be. Today I encourage anyone who is struggling as I once did to take that first step and just try being honest with one person, then add another, and continue to do so until you are living honestly, until being honest becomes your way of life. Be blessed friends.
Exodus 20:16
“You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
Psalm 101:7
No one who practices deceit shall dwell in my house; no one who utters lies shall continue before my eyes.
Proverbs 12:22
Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but those who act faithfully are his delight.
Ephesians 4:25
Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another
Colossians 3:9-10
Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator.
So when I met my husband I decided to take a different approach to things, I would be totally honest with him no matter how much it hurt, how scary it was and how hard. And for me that meant not only being honest about myself, and my life but not keeping secrets from him either, I always tell people 'if you don't want Nick to know don't tell me, I don't keep secrets from my husband.' Nick took a similar approach to our relationship, on our very first date he told me all his faults, all the things other girls had hassled him about, he told me this is who he was and if I didn't like it or I wasn't looking for someone like that I could leave. Some women would be mortified at such a statement (his mother was when I told her, lol) but I was relieved. I honestly sat there a minute processing what he had said and my experiences in life thus far and decided I liked him and could live with the faults he had. I appreciated his honesty and it attracted me to him even more, this and a mutual faith in Jesus Christ became the foundation for our relationship.
As our relationship deepened and we continued on this path of honesty with each other and even ourselves I found I liked being honest. I wasn't as sick anymore and I felt better about myself, I started to like me and I really trusted him. I won't say that I totally trusted him right away though, my experiences in the past taught me to be skeptical, taught me to doubt his sincerity and even his faithfulness, especially when I had someone from my past trying to make me doubt him and break the relationship up. After sometime I took those accusations and concerns to him, and he laughed. He reassured me of his feelings and of his faithfulness to me, and when I sat down and thought about who was telling me these things I took his side, he had been honest from the start, and they lied to me consistently, shortly after this I would break ties for good with this person and my life has truly been better since.
Years have gone by now and honesty has gone from something I had in one relationship to something I strive for in all relationships. It isn't always easy to be honest with people, some times I actually offend people when I am honest with them because what I say is not what they want to hear, but I still rather be honest, be a person of integrity. People who know me now know that they can trust what I say, they know that if I tell them something it is the truth to fullest of my knowledge and if I am sure of how factual my information is I will tell them that too.
Living honestly, as God has told us to has changed my life for the better, it has stopped the constant feeling of being sick that I used to have all the time. It has decreased my anxiety, and improved my relationships with the people I'm closest to, and it has enabled me to look myself in the eyes in the mirror and actually feel good about the person I am. In living honestly I have learned that I am truly loving people by being open and by being someone they can trust. I have learned that as scary as it is at times to be honest it is also freeing, allowing you to be truly who you were created to be. Today I encourage anyone who is struggling as I once did to take that first step and just try being honest with one person, then add another, and continue to do so until you are living honestly, until being honest becomes your way of life. Be blessed friends.
Exodus 20:16
“You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
Psalm 101:7
No one who practices deceit shall dwell in my house; no one who utters lies shall continue before my eyes.
Proverbs 12:22
Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but those who act faithfully are his delight.
Ephesians 4:25
Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another
Colossians 3:9-10
Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator.
Thursday, April 21, 2016
There is a Right and Wrong
Often today I hear people say that there is no ultimate right or wrong, that this is all perspective based on how you were raised and that we must decide for ourselves what is right and what is wrong. What I have come to realize though is that is not what these people truly believe when you break down their statement to its simplest form, there are some things that when challenged on even they have to agree is wrong. Such as, to say there is no right or wrong is actually condoning murder and rape, if there is no right or wrong we would have to empty every prison in the world and allow the murders and rapist to go free, because what they did is simply their nature and we have no right to judge them and say that what they did is wrong. When you point that out to someone who says there is no right or wrong they will immediately get upset. They will tell you that you can't do that, because it is wrong, that people who did things like that are criminals and need locked up and rehabilitated. I know this because I have pointed this out before.
What I have realized from this is that what they are really saying is 'there is no God and I will live my life based on how feel, what I desire, and for myself and you can't or shouldn't judge me for this.' What they are really saying is that they are deciding their own moral code of behavior and we just have to accept it. But the truth is there a right way and a wrong way, there are some things that are right and some things that are wrong and the wrong way (our way without God's instruction) leads to death (Proverbs 14:12). Going back to the example I give to individuals that say this, the murders and rapist scenario, I have found that they believe these things to be wrong, they would get upset and be angry if someone did these things to a loved one because it is wrong to them. Well, if murder and rape are wrong, who decided this? How do we instinctively know that these actions are wrong and the perpetrators need to be punished for them? If you believe in God the answer to that is simple, we were created in His image (Genesis 1:27) and He believes them to be wrong, these things grieve Him so they grieve us, and the ten commandments (Exodus 20:1-17) tells us so, which also came from God.
To admit this though means that they then have to accept that there is a God who has given us a path to follow, there is a God who judges our lives and will reward us for our actions whether it be in blessing or punishment. This is not a thing they want to admit though. If there truly is a God that has given us a path or structure to live by, a moral code that we are to follow, that means they will be judged and that they must call into question the choices they have made in life against how God tells us to live. This can be scary because it makes you accountable for your actions. I know it was for me when I looked myself in the mirror one day and realized I had fallen, that the choices I was making were wrong and I needed to get out of that situation before I hurt myself and others anymore than I already had. Admitting to myself that God's way is right and my way was wrong meant that I had to humble myself and admit I didn't know it all, I had to let go of my selfishness and pride, and I had to learn to live God's way instead of mine, that I had to give up my ways for His and that scares people.
I will admit I am not always successful at this myself, often I fail and don't realize it, often pride or selfishness rises up in me and I don't live as I should. But God knew we were imperfect, flawed and prone to sin because of the fall in the garden of Eden, and our repeated falls from grace since. So God made a way for us through Jesus, He sent Yeshua to be our way, to be our example, and to ultimately be the sacrifice that would redeem us once and for all. In Jesus we are able to have forgiveness and can repent (repent means change not just I'm sorry) of our ways, turning to His. We can have salvation and the assurance of eternal life after our bodies have perished, but the first step is admitting there is a right way and a wrong, and that man is not capable of deciding that for himself. Be blessed today and everyday, in Yeshua's name.
Proverbs 12:15
The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.
Proverbs 14:12
There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death.
Romans 1:32
Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them
Romans 6:21
What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death!
Romans 6:23
For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
What I have realized from this is that what they are really saying is 'there is no God and I will live my life based on how feel, what I desire, and for myself and you can't or shouldn't judge me for this.' What they are really saying is that they are deciding their own moral code of behavior and we just have to accept it. But the truth is there a right way and a wrong way, there are some things that are right and some things that are wrong and the wrong way (our way without God's instruction) leads to death (Proverbs 14:12). Going back to the example I give to individuals that say this, the murders and rapist scenario, I have found that they believe these things to be wrong, they would get upset and be angry if someone did these things to a loved one because it is wrong to them. Well, if murder and rape are wrong, who decided this? How do we instinctively know that these actions are wrong and the perpetrators need to be punished for them? If you believe in God the answer to that is simple, we were created in His image (Genesis 1:27) and He believes them to be wrong, these things grieve Him so they grieve us, and the ten commandments (Exodus 20:1-17) tells us so, which also came from God.
To admit this though means that they then have to accept that there is a God who has given us a path to follow, there is a God who judges our lives and will reward us for our actions whether it be in blessing or punishment. This is not a thing they want to admit though. If there truly is a God that has given us a path or structure to live by, a moral code that we are to follow, that means they will be judged and that they must call into question the choices they have made in life against how God tells us to live. This can be scary because it makes you accountable for your actions. I know it was for me when I looked myself in the mirror one day and realized I had fallen, that the choices I was making were wrong and I needed to get out of that situation before I hurt myself and others anymore than I already had. Admitting to myself that God's way is right and my way was wrong meant that I had to humble myself and admit I didn't know it all, I had to let go of my selfishness and pride, and I had to learn to live God's way instead of mine, that I had to give up my ways for His and that scares people.
I will admit I am not always successful at this myself, often I fail and don't realize it, often pride or selfishness rises up in me and I don't live as I should. But God knew we were imperfect, flawed and prone to sin because of the fall in the garden of Eden, and our repeated falls from grace since. So God made a way for us through Jesus, He sent Yeshua to be our way, to be our example, and to ultimately be the sacrifice that would redeem us once and for all. In Jesus we are able to have forgiveness and can repent (repent means change not just I'm sorry) of our ways, turning to His. We can have salvation and the assurance of eternal life after our bodies have perished, but the first step is admitting there is a right way and a wrong, and that man is not capable of deciding that for himself. Be blessed today and everyday, in Yeshua's name.
Proverbs 12:15
The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.
Proverbs 14:12
There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death.
Romans 1:32
Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them
Romans 6:21
What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death!
Romans 6:23
For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
Sharing About Heroine
This morning there was a comment on one of my post asking for prayer about heroine addiction in this person's area and my heart broke for them, I know the destruction heroine causes too well. He told me a story I've heard too often, a young man dead at 25 due to an overdose, a tragedy that I see on my local news channel almost every evening. But heroine isn't just a distant killer that I see too much of on my TV it has affected my life a great deal in the last ten years. I haven't ever shared on this before, simply because I don't know what to do about it. Usually all I try to share with you encouraging testimonies, or lessons I have learned on my walk to help you, but in this area I have no words of encouragement, I have no solution, I only have my own experience and the prayers I have prayed over and over again.
My experience with heroine has been this, one of my best friends from childhood started using after high school, it started with pain pills and soon progressed to heroine. For years I have watched, helplessly and sadly as he went in and out of rehab never staying clean for longer than 9 months. But he isn't the only person that I love who is struggling with this demon, currently I have a cousin in jail charged with several felonies because of his need to feed this addiction, and I have two other cousins that are still getting high and using regularly, both have children and daily my heart struggles with how and what I can do to help them. Of course I pray for them, and I share Jesus when the opportunity is there, but as I watch them continue on that path I will admit I feel like I am doing nothing, I feel powerless to help them.
Today as drove into work thinking about this other person's plea for prayer something really stirred inside me, and I prayed about this issue again but this time I was angry. Not angry at the people using or struggling to quit, and not angry at the person who asked for prayer, I was angry about heroine itself. I was angry for the lives its stolen and the families it's destroyed. I was angry that my cousin's kids are growing up with dad's who are addicted and could die suddenly. I was angry heroine stole my friend, and has my cousin locked up not only in a physical jail cell but one in his heart and mind too. Heroine is a killer, a destroyer, and a home wrecker, it takes people and changes them, and eventually leaves noting left of the person. This morning I was angry as I prayed about what can be done to help fight this scourge and as I prayed the thought came to me to share my feelings on this. Even if I don't know what to do or how to encourage you I can still share. I have a voice and God has given me a platform to be heard from, and it is my responsibility to use this for the good of the kingdom.
So today I share my heart with you, I share my hurt and anger over what heroine has done in my life and others. I share because it's what I can do. I can't save my cousins or my friend from this drug, but I can let other families that have been hurt by it know they aren't alone. Today I speak out against heroine, and encourage you to too. I encourage you to share your experience with others, don't remain silent, let people know the real cost of taking this drug and maybe, if enough of us are speaking out and sharing our pain, it'll cause someone else to think twice before trying it, maybe we can save some other families from our pain. Be blessed brothers and sisters and pray for those struggling with addiction and their families as well.
Psalm 39:7
“And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you.
My experience with heroine has been this, one of my best friends from childhood started using after high school, it started with pain pills and soon progressed to heroine. For years I have watched, helplessly and sadly as he went in and out of rehab never staying clean for longer than 9 months. But he isn't the only person that I love who is struggling with this demon, currently I have a cousin in jail charged with several felonies because of his need to feed this addiction, and I have two other cousins that are still getting high and using regularly, both have children and daily my heart struggles with how and what I can do to help them. Of course I pray for them, and I share Jesus when the opportunity is there, but as I watch them continue on that path I will admit I feel like I am doing nothing, I feel powerless to help them.
Today as drove into work thinking about this other person's plea for prayer something really stirred inside me, and I prayed about this issue again but this time I was angry. Not angry at the people using or struggling to quit, and not angry at the person who asked for prayer, I was angry about heroine itself. I was angry for the lives its stolen and the families it's destroyed. I was angry that my cousin's kids are growing up with dad's who are addicted and could die suddenly. I was angry heroine stole my friend, and has my cousin locked up not only in a physical jail cell but one in his heart and mind too. Heroine is a killer, a destroyer, and a home wrecker, it takes people and changes them, and eventually leaves noting left of the person. This morning I was angry as I prayed about what can be done to help fight this scourge and as I prayed the thought came to me to share my feelings on this. Even if I don't know what to do or how to encourage you I can still share. I have a voice and God has given me a platform to be heard from, and it is my responsibility to use this for the good of the kingdom.
So today I share my heart with you, I share my hurt and anger over what heroine has done in my life and others. I share because it's what I can do. I can't save my cousins or my friend from this drug, but I can let other families that have been hurt by it know they aren't alone. Today I speak out against heroine, and encourage you to too. I encourage you to share your experience with others, don't remain silent, let people know the real cost of taking this drug and maybe, if enough of us are speaking out and sharing our pain, it'll cause someone else to think twice before trying it, maybe we can save some other families from our pain. Be blessed brothers and sisters and pray for those struggling with addiction and their families as well.
Psalm 39:7
“And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you.
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
Bitterness is a Choice
This morning I am thinking about bitterness, how some people can walk through hell's fire and still sing praise and others give in to the flames letting them turn their soul to ash. When I was young I will admit I was one of the ones that let my circumstances turn me to ash. I was bitter over what I saw as injustice and unfair treatment in my life. I was bitter over losses and having to take on responsibility at an early age due to my parent's health situations at the time. I was bitter over being bullied in school and I was bitter over being sexually abused. I was bitter that I was poor, I was bitter that I had to struggle to pay my bills in college while my roommate left her share of the financial and housekeeping responsibilities to me, I was bitter that my boyfriend cheated on me and I didn't believe that I deserved better. I was bitter over a lot of things then and I felt it was my right to be bitter. I felt like I had every reason in the world to be bitter and that no one could blame me for it, that anyone who walked in shoes would be bitter too, but I realize now that just isn't true.
Since coming to know the Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, I have realized bitterness is a choice, that through Jesus we have the opportunity to live above our circumstances instead of in them. Paul writes in Philippians 4:12-13 " I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." When I read these words of Paul here I think of what he endured, what he went through as one of the greatest evangelist spreading the gospel further than any of the others. He was imprisoned, had people trying to kill him everywhere he went, and early in his conversion other Christians hated and feared him for what he had done as Saul, but yet he says he is content in all circumstances because of Yehsua, because of the strength that the Lord provides and though it's not mentioned in this verse but is in others Paul often speaks of the hope he has found in salvation through Jesus. This hope he found in Jesus taught him to look beyond what he was experiencing to the glory ahead, to the kingdom to come, and rest in that glory instead of his circumstances.
Looking at Paul's words above and many other scriptures that he wrote taught me a lot about living as an overcomer instead of a victim, about living in hope instead of bitterness. Through his example I have learned that no matter what circumstances we are facing we have the ability to be content when we focus on Yeshua and the promises of the coming glory. When we realize that God can and will use whatever we are experiencing at the appointed time for good, whether it be for our good or someone else's, we are able to endure the trail without allowing it to tear us down. Often in times of struggle I think of something Jesus said found at John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." this verse reminds me that in Yeshua I have peace, I may have trouble in the world but as He has overcome so shall I when I stay in His presence because I live in Him and He in me. I am no longer that bitter, angry girl anymore, I have been reborn, baptized and saved by His unending grace, and it's open to all who will humble themselves to Him giving their whole heart and life. Today I hope you choose peace brothers and sisters, I hope you choose Jesus, be blessed.
Psalm 103:1-5
Of David. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Romans 5:2-5
Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Since coming to know the Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, I have realized bitterness is a choice, that through Jesus we have the opportunity to live above our circumstances instead of in them. Paul writes in Philippians 4:12-13 " I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." When I read these words of Paul here I think of what he endured, what he went through as one of the greatest evangelist spreading the gospel further than any of the others. He was imprisoned, had people trying to kill him everywhere he went, and early in his conversion other Christians hated and feared him for what he had done as Saul, but yet he says he is content in all circumstances because of Yehsua, because of the strength that the Lord provides and though it's not mentioned in this verse but is in others Paul often speaks of the hope he has found in salvation through Jesus. This hope he found in Jesus taught him to look beyond what he was experiencing to the glory ahead, to the kingdom to come, and rest in that glory instead of his circumstances.
Looking at Paul's words above and many other scriptures that he wrote taught me a lot about living as an overcomer instead of a victim, about living in hope instead of bitterness. Through his example I have learned that no matter what circumstances we are facing we have the ability to be content when we focus on Yeshua and the promises of the coming glory. When we realize that God can and will use whatever we are experiencing at the appointed time for good, whether it be for our good or someone else's, we are able to endure the trail without allowing it to tear us down. Often in times of struggle I think of something Jesus said found at John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." this verse reminds me that in Yeshua I have peace, I may have trouble in the world but as He has overcome so shall I when I stay in His presence because I live in Him and He in me. I am no longer that bitter, angry girl anymore, I have been reborn, baptized and saved by His unending grace, and it's open to all who will humble themselves to Him giving their whole heart and life. Today I hope you choose peace brothers and sisters, I hope you choose Jesus, be blessed.
Psalm 103:1-5
Of David. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Romans 5:2-5
Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Monday, April 18, 2016
Hope in Mourning
I know in time it will get easier, in time the heart ache won't be so raw or as painful. Loss is nothing new to me, it's a process I have repeated more times than I count in my young life, but losing my grandfather cuts deep. I have no doubts of where he is, I have no doubts of seeing him again someday, but I miss him. Yesterday watching as they lowered his body into the ground and covered the metal casing with dirt I thought my heart would burst. I didn't want to leave him, I wanted to stay there all day at the cemetery so he wouldn't be alone. But that was crazy, he isn't there anymore.
Grief is funny that way, it makes you want to do strange things even if you know in your heart and mind the truth of the situation, or that the actions you want to take won't make a difference. For example one of my cousins got in a tussle with his brother, the grief they felt caused hurt and anger, they had nothing to do with it but fight each other. My brother shaved his head, and my dad and mom have thrown themselves into working and keeping busy, where as my little sister and I have pulled away from everyone. We shut down and have become even more quiet than we are already are. Everyone grieves differently. We all go through stages and need different things to help heal, we all need comfort and support, but the way we ask and deal with our grief is different. I saw this clearly over the course of this week.
Going through this loss and watching the different reactions of my family members I'm more grateful than ever for the comfort I have in Yeshua. I'm grateful for my family in Christ who have encouraged me in this time and comforted my aching heart. I'm grateful to have the hope and assurance of knowing that good-bye isn't forever, it's only 'til we meet again' but it also makes me sad for those who don't have this blessed gift. I think about what I'm going through and the comfort and hope I have, and I feel sad for those who don't know that this is open to them too. I wonder how someone can manage the heartache believing good-bye is forever, or that this life on earth is all there is. Today thinking of these people grieving loss without hope, I ask you, my family in Jesus Christ to pray for them with me. I ask you to pray comfort, blessing, and awakening to the eternal hope we have in our Lord, the everlasting God Yahweh who promises comfort for the mourning. I ask we pray that there be arms to hold these people and plant the seeds of hope in their hearts, or that you yourself be that person. In Yeshua's name be blessed my friends.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-14
Isaiah 53:4-6
4 Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him, and afflicted. 5 But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. 6 We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to our own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all.
Grief is funny that way, it makes you want to do strange things even if you know in your heart and mind the truth of the situation, or that the actions you want to take won't make a difference. For example one of my cousins got in a tussle with his brother, the grief they felt caused hurt and anger, they had nothing to do with it but fight each other. My brother shaved his head, and my dad and mom have thrown themselves into working and keeping busy, where as my little sister and I have pulled away from everyone. We shut down and have become even more quiet than we are already are. Everyone grieves differently. We all go through stages and need different things to help heal, we all need comfort and support, but the way we ask and deal with our grief is different. I saw this clearly over the course of this week.
Going through this loss and watching the different reactions of my family members I'm more grateful than ever for the comfort I have in Yeshua. I'm grateful for my family in Christ who have encouraged me in this time and comforted my aching heart. I'm grateful to have the hope and assurance of knowing that good-bye isn't forever, it's only 'til we meet again' but it also makes me sad for those who don't have this blessed gift. I think about what I'm going through and the comfort and hope I have, and I feel sad for those who don't know that this is open to them too. I wonder how someone can manage the heartache believing good-bye is forever, or that this life on earth is all there is. Today thinking of these people grieving loss without hope, I ask you, my family in Jesus Christ to pray for them with me. I ask you to pray comfort, blessing, and awakening to the eternal hope we have in our Lord, the everlasting God Yahweh who promises comfort for the mourning. I ask we pray that there be arms to hold these people and plant the seeds of hope in their hearts, or that you yourself be that person. In Yeshua's name be blessed my friends.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-14
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yeta no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13 That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him
Isaiah 53:4-6
4 Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him, and afflicted. 5 But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. 6 We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to our own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all.
Friday, April 15, 2016
Parting Words to my Grandfather
Dear Pappy,
I don't know if I ever told you this but in high school I wrote a short story with you in it. The story was an assignment and I called it 'A Trip to Heaven.' In the story you met me on the hill where you lived, the house was just the way it was when I was a little girl, your red shed on the hill and all. In the story you were walking again, handsome and young, strong just like I knew you wished you still were. Today though, I know this is true for you. Today you are finally walking again, today you are healthy and strong being greeted at the gates of heaven by Jesus, Aunt Cindy, Grandma Grace and more. Today while we are saying good-bye, you are celebrating.
Today we miss your smile pappy, your sense of humor, those strong stern looks you gave us when you knew we up to no good. We miss your quiet presence and treasure the memories we have of you, tractor rides on the hill, a trip to Fun Fore All, family meals, gardening, and visits to the nursing home with you and gram. Today we remember the best of you, the many things that made you so special and dear to us. We grieve our loss wishing we could have just one more day, but we know you're happier now.
I want you to know Pap, though you probably wouldn't believe it, that you impacted us, all of us. You and Gram were a safe and loving place for us, a place we always knew we were welcome. You impacted us Pappy, you showed us love is real and can last a lifetime with how you and Grandma stuck things out, and how even after almost 60 years of marriage we could still catch glimpses of love and pride in your eyes when you looked at Gram. These moments, these lessons, and memories will be treasured and your legacy will live on in us as we pass on the stories of who you are to our children. Rest easy Pappy, we will see you again someday, and until then you will live on in our hearts.
All my love
I don't know if I ever told you this but in high school I wrote a short story with you in it. The story was an assignment and I called it 'A Trip to Heaven.' In the story you met me on the hill where you lived, the house was just the way it was when I was a little girl, your red shed on the hill and all. In the story you were walking again, handsome and young, strong just like I knew you wished you still were. Today though, I know this is true for you. Today you are finally walking again, today you are healthy and strong being greeted at the gates of heaven by Jesus, Aunt Cindy, Grandma Grace and more. Today while we are saying good-bye, you are celebrating.
Today we miss your smile pappy, your sense of humor, those strong stern looks you gave us when you knew we up to no good. We miss your quiet presence and treasure the memories we have of you, tractor rides on the hill, a trip to Fun Fore All, family meals, gardening, and visits to the nursing home with you and gram. Today we remember the best of you, the many things that made you so special and dear to us. We grieve our loss wishing we could have just one more day, but we know you're happier now.
I want you to know Pap, though you probably wouldn't believe it, that you impacted us, all of us. You and Gram were a safe and loving place for us, a place we always knew we were welcome. You impacted us Pappy, you showed us love is real and can last a lifetime with how you and Grandma stuck things out, and how even after almost 60 years of marriage we could still catch glimpses of love and pride in your eyes when you looked at Gram. These moments, these lessons, and memories will be treasured and your legacy will live on in us as we pass on the stories of who you are to our children. Rest easy Pappy, we will see you again someday, and until then you will live on in our hearts.
All my love
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
Struggling with Loss
Yesterday I woke up happy, I knew my grandfather was in the hospital but when I had left him the night before his vitals had all been steadily improving. I believed he would be home in a few days and was relieved. I went about my morning routine as usual, shower, coffee, bible study, then a note to my husband, mid way thru the note I decided to check my Facebook feed and see if there was anything interesting to comment about in my note to him, there was but I didn't write it down. Instead I started shouting for him still in disbelief at the repeated post I saw that said 'rest in peace pappy.' I immediately called my dad and begged him to tell me it was wrong, that it wasn't true, after all he had been improving when I left the hospital. My dad confirmed that what my cousins had posted was true and my heart shattered.
I have always looked up to my grandparents on both sides of my family, and been very close to them having spent parts of my childhood living with each of them. Four years ago I lost my mother's father, and that was very hard on me, I had a lot of emotions about his passing. I have spent the years since trying to value the time I had with my remaining grandfather by letting him know how much I cared about him, visiting with him, and taking joy at the pride I would see in his face when I came around, pride that hadn't always been there.
So, since his passing yesterday, I have struggled a lot emotionally, I have withdrawn into myself. I don't want people around, I don't want to talk. I just want to be alone with my memories, my emotions and God. I know I can't hide from the world forever so I forced myself to go to work today, but really I want to hide. I want to hide until the pain stops. I want to hide until I wake up and feel stronger. I want to hide until it's easier and things don't feel so raw. I want to be selfish right now, to focus on me and my healing. I want one more moment with my grandfather....
My heart is breaking today, but I know my grandfather is at peace and I try to take comfort in that. My heart is devastated by his loss, but I know that the pain that he has endured for so many years has finally ended for him and I try to focus on that, to find some joy or happiness in that thought. I know for me it'll be many years before I see him again, but that my grandfather had salvation I'm sure of and I do rejoice in that knowing I will see him again. It's painful to say goodbye, he was a good man that we loved very very much, but I know in God I can find comfort and peace for my brokenness today. In Jesus I have a friend who knows exactly how to heal my broken heart. In time I'll be myself again, and until then, God Bless you.
Psalm 116:15
Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints
Matthew 5:4
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."
John 3:16
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life
Revelation 21:4
He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”
I have always looked up to my grandparents on both sides of my family, and been very close to them having spent parts of my childhood living with each of them. Four years ago I lost my mother's father, and that was very hard on me, I had a lot of emotions about his passing. I have spent the years since trying to value the time I had with my remaining grandfather by letting him know how much I cared about him, visiting with him, and taking joy at the pride I would see in his face when I came around, pride that hadn't always been there.
So, since his passing yesterday, I have struggled a lot emotionally, I have withdrawn into myself. I don't want people around, I don't want to talk. I just want to be alone with my memories, my emotions and God. I know I can't hide from the world forever so I forced myself to go to work today, but really I want to hide. I want to hide until the pain stops. I want to hide until I wake up and feel stronger. I want to hide until it's easier and things don't feel so raw. I want to be selfish right now, to focus on me and my healing. I want one more moment with my grandfather....
My heart is breaking today, but I know my grandfather is at peace and I try to take comfort in that. My heart is devastated by his loss, but I know that the pain that he has endured for so many years has finally ended for him and I try to focus on that, to find some joy or happiness in that thought. I know for me it'll be many years before I see him again, but that my grandfather had salvation I'm sure of and I do rejoice in that knowing I will see him again. It's painful to say goodbye, he was a good man that we loved very very much, but I know in God I can find comfort and peace for my brokenness today. In Jesus I have a friend who knows exactly how to heal my broken heart. In time I'll be myself again, and until then, God Bless you.
Psalm 116:15
Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints
Matthew 5:4
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."
John 3:16
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life
Revelation 21:4
He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”
Friday, April 8, 2016
Testimony of Provision
Last year was what felt like an endless battle, between helping with my aunt as she was in and out of facilities for her mental health, struggling with trying to buy a house, and helping my husband reignite his faith I was fatigued to say the least by the end of it. But as tough as last year was it seems is just how blessed this year will be or is. Early this year we found out our prayers for a baby were finally answered, and despite the disappointment of finding out I wouldn't be able to keep my job because of that we are discovering God's grace and provision as He is opening an even better opportunity for me.
The day I found out I was pregnant was the happiest I had been in a long time. I cried and rejoiced all evening! But that joy turned bittersweet when I found out I wouldn't be able to continue to work at my current position. Then fear and doubt gripped me, especially as we searched for resources to help with the pregnancy and kept running into closed doors. I started to worry more and more, and pray less and less. But God never leaves us or forsakes us (Genesis 28:15; Deuteronomy 31:6).
Soon my husband and I started discussing our options, and truthfully as positive as I tried to be and sound; inside I was scared and worried that nothing would work out. I feared losing our brand new house, and our car. I feared having the baby and something going wrong. I feared a lot. Then we decided to look into an option that had been working out for a friend of my husband's and his girlfriend. It was a work from option that came with full benefits and had pay pretty equivalent to what I was making now.
It's been less than a week now since I put in my application and already I have passed the first interview and will be taking the next sometime next week. I doubted at first that I would get the position, I thought for sure I'd get passed over because I've never done this kind of work before, but now I'm confident I'll get it, I've never not gotten a job I've interviewed for. This job is like a God send, a gift of provision from the Father, that I couldn't be more grateful for! I know it will be really different for me and in many ways probably difficult, customer service reps don't always get treated the nicest by the people they are trying to help, but I'm actually excited to do something different and still be with my baby.
This isn't the only provision that has come up in the last week or two either, when God shows up to do something He does it big. Through another friend of my husbands we were put in contact with a pregnancy help center in our area, it's a Christian organization that educates women on pregnancy, offers free diapers, clothes, bottles, sonograms, parenting classes and counseling. As well as support and information about adoption and the reality of abortion. Through them we were able to get set up with a doctor and get a first look at our little bundle of joy, a huge relief to us both. We also found out from my dad that he and my mom want to give us some financial support during this time to make sure we are okay with all the new expenses we will have very shortly.
For two months we worried, fretted, and feared, we barked at each other and moped trapped inside our own heads juggling the anxieties we felt, but in two weeks things have been completely changed. In two weeks God has taken what felt like a hopeless scary situation and made it something new and exciting again. In just two weeks our circumstances look so different and so does our attitudes. We have gone from fearful, to rejoicing and from worried to grateful. God never disappoints, His promises never fail, and HIs provision will always come through. Be blessed brother's and sisters in Yeshua's name.
Genesis 28:15
Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land. For I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.”
Isaiah 41:17
When the poor and needy seek water, and there is none, and their tongue is parched with thirst, I the Lord will answer them; I the God of Israel will not forsake them.
Matthew 6:31-32
Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.
Philippians 4:19
And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
The day I found out I was pregnant was the happiest I had been in a long time. I cried and rejoiced all evening! But that joy turned bittersweet when I found out I wouldn't be able to continue to work at my current position. Then fear and doubt gripped me, especially as we searched for resources to help with the pregnancy and kept running into closed doors. I started to worry more and more, and pray less and less. But God never leaves us or forsakes us (Genesis 28:15; Deuteronomy 31:6).
Soon my husband and I started discussing our options, and truthfully as positive as I tried to be and sound; inside I was scared and worried that nothing would work out. I feared losing our brand new house, and our car. I feared having the baby and something going wrong. I feared a lot. Then we decided to look into an option that had been working out for a friend of my husband's and his girlfriend. It was a work from option that came with full benefits and had pay pretty equivalent to what I was making now.
It's been less than a week now since I put in my application and already I have passed the first interview and will be taking the next sometime next week. I doubted at first that I would get the position, I thought for sure I'd get passed over because I've never done this kind of work before, but now I'm confident I'll get it, I've never not gotten a job I've interviewed for. This job is like a God send, a gift of provision from the Father, that I couldn't be more grateful for! I know it will be really different for me and in many ways probably difficult, customer service reps don't always get treated the nicest by the people they are trying to help, but I'm actually excited to do something different and still be with my baby.
This isn't the only provision that has come up in the last week or two either, when God shows up to do something He does it big. Through another friend of my husbands we were put in contact with a pregnancy help center in our area, it's a Christian organization that educates women on pregnancy, offers free diapers, clothes, bottles, sonograms, parenting classes and counseling. As well as support and information about adoption and the reality of abortion. Through them we were able to get set up with a doctor and get a first look at our little bundle of joy, a huge relief to us both. We also found out from my dad that he and my mom want to give us some financial support during this time to make sure we are okay with all the new expenses we will have very shortly.
For two months we worried, fretted, and feared, we barked at each other and moped trapped inside our own heads juggling the anxieties we felt, but in two weeks things have been completely changed. In two weeks God has taken what felt like a hopeless scary situation and made it something new and exciting again. In just two weeks our circumstances look so different and so does our attitudes. We have gone from fearful, to rejoicing and from worried to grateful. God never disappoints, His promises never fail, and HIs provision will always come through. Be blessed brother's and sisters in Yeshua's name.
Genesis 28:15
Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land. For I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.”
Isaiah 41:17
When the poor and needy seek water, and there is none, and their tongue is parched with thirst, I the Lord will answer them; I the God of Israel will not forsake them.
Matthew 6:31-32
Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.
Philippians 4:19
And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
Gift From God
Yesterday thanks to the amazing technology we have today I was able to see my baby for the first time. It was still too early to tell the sex of the baby but from the sonogram we could determine that I was 14 weeks along and had a very healthy active baby, that just wouldn't lay still very long, much like their father. It was an overwhelming experience to see the baby moving, kicking, rubbing their eyes and opening and closing their mouth and I'm so glad my husband got to be there with me, because it was clear that he was just as overwhelmed and amazed by the little life as I was.
To be honest though, before this point despite the morning sickness and some of the discomfort that comes with early pregnancy it hadn't seemed real to me that there was actually life inside me, but now it's all I can think about. I was grateful from the start, the moment I got that positive test I knelt down on the floor and cried and praised my Father in Heaven, but still the idea that I was pregnant seemed crazy to me. I wanted it and dreamed of it for so long that I think part of me was afraid to believe it. That somehow I expected to just wake up and it all be a dream as had happened so many times. But this is no dream, this is real and a gift from God (Psalm 127:3), the answered prayer that I had asked for many times.
Today as reality sets in, as the fact that I am carrying a gift from God becomes more real to me I find myself thinking of Psalms 127:3 a lot, I find myself thinking of those women in the bible who like myself prayed and cried and begged our God for a child and was blessed. I find myself more grateful than ever before and wondering for what purpose has God knit this life inside me together for. I find myself praying for Godly wisdom and guidance in raising this child in the way they should go and hoping wonderful things for their future.
I apologize to anyone who clicked on this hoping for inspiration and encouragement today, I know that's what I usually set out to do in these post, but today I just needed to share my joy with you, to share my hope and gratitude. Bless you brothers and sisters in Christ, may today bring you much in the way of hope, happiness, and the love of Yeshua.
Psalm 127:3
Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.
Psalm 139:13-16
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Matthew 18:10
“See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven.
To be honest though, before this point despite the morning sickness and some of the discomfort that comes with early pregnancy it hadn't seemed real to me that there was actually life inside me, but now it's all I can think about. I was grateful from the start, the moment I got that positive test I knelt down on the floor and cried and praised my Father in Heaven, but still the idea that I was pregnant seemed crazy to me. I wanted it and dreamed of it for so long that I think part of me was afraid to believe it. That somehow I expected to just wake up and it all be a dream as had happened so many times. But this is no dream, this is real and a gift from God (Psalm 127:3), the answered prayer that I had asked for many times.
Today as reality sets in, as the fact that I am carrying a gift from God becomes more real to me I find myself thinking of Psalms 127:3 a lot, I find myself thinking of those women in the bible who like myself prayed and cried and begged our God for a child and was blessed. I find myself more grateful than ever before and wondering for what purpose has God knit this life inside me together for. I find myself praying for Godly wisdom and guidance in raising this child in the way they should go and hoping wonderful things for their future.
I apologize to anyone who clicked on this hoping for inspiration and encouragement today, I know that's what I usually set out to do in these post, but today I just needed to share my joy with you, to share my hope and gratitude. Bless you brothers and sisters in Christ, may today bring you much in the way of hope, happiness, and the love of Yeshua.
Psalm 127:3
Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.
Psalm 139:13-16
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Matthew 18:10
“See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven.
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
Season of Transition
It's quiet right now as the three little ones I nanny for are sleeping, but I'm not relaxing or enjoying it. I'm thinking about when I leave, when I can no longer see their smiling little faces everyday and it's breaking my heart. It's probably just those pregnancy hormones getting to me mixed with anxiety over the application I put in yesterday, but regardless of the cause, here I sit watching them on the monitor knowing I will miss them and crying.
I have worked for this family for over two years and they have been a huge blessing in my life, I can honestly say they are the best employers I have ever worked for. Right away I felt like the position with them was a blessing from God and I have worked everyday grateful for what I had, but now this chapter is ending and God is taking me somewhere new, where I have no clue as of yet. I have loved these children like my own, but I always knew this time would come, and after ten years in childcare it hasn't gotten any easier.
I'll have this job for a while still, no official date has been set as they have just started the search for a new nanny and I have just started recently looking for a stay at home type job, but I can't help feeling sad over this chapter closing, especially with the future being so uncertain. Even so, I'm not afraid. I actually keep thinking of this silly picture of Jesus I see on Google and Facebook sometimes. In this picture Jesus is knelt before a little girl who is crying and clutching a teddy bear, and He is asking her to hand Him the bear but she's afraid to let go, unbeknownst to her Jesus has a bigger bear He wants to give her hidden behind His back. This is kind of what I see as going on now. I have a great teddy bear, but God has an even greater teddy bear for me, I just have to trust Him and let go when He tells me too.
I may be mourning what I'll lose when I leave here, but in truth I really believe things are going to work out wonderfully for my employers and myself. I really believe God has big and wonderful plans for me when this ends that include getting to stay home and be a mother to the little life growing inside me. I really believe my employers will find another amazing nanny, one better than myself who they will grow to trust and like just as they did with me, someone who will love their children just as much as I do.
Seasons of transition can be hard and very emotional like the one I'm in the middle of now, but God's hand is over me, He is guiding me and leading me through this season and that is what I must rely on. He is the light that will lead me through to whatever is waiting on me next, and today despite a heavy heart knowing that the end is approaching I'm actually grateful. Grateful for the time I spent here and grateful for whatever is in store next. May Yahweh bless you my family.
Psalm 16:11
You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
I have worked for this family for over two years and they have been a huge blessing in my life, I can honestly say they are the best employers I have ever worked for. Right away I felt like the position with them was a blessing from God and I have worked everyday grateful for what I had, but now this chapter is ending and God is taking me somewhere new, where I have no clue as of yet. I have loved these children like my own, but I always knew this time would come, and after ten years in childcare it hasn't gotten any easier.
I'll have this job for a while still, no official date has been set as they have just started the search for a new nanny and I have just started recently looking for a stay at home type job, but I can't help feeling sad over this chapter closing, especially with the future being so uncertain. Even so, I'm not afraid. I actually keep thinking of this silly picture of Jesus I see on Google and Facebook sometimes. In this picture Jesus is knelt before a little girl who is crying and clutching a teddy bear, and He is asking her to hand Him the bear but she's afraid to let go, unbeknownst to her Jesus has a bigger bear He wants to give her hidden behind His back. This is kind of what I see as going on now. I have a great teddy bear, but God has an even greater teddy bear for me, I just have to trust Him and let go when He tells me too.
I may be mourning what I'll lose when I leave here, but in truth I really believe things are going to work out wonderfully for my employers and myself. I really believe God has big and wonderful plans for me when this ends that include getting to stay home and be a mother to the little life growing inside me. I really believe my employers will find another amazing nanny, one better than myself who they will grow to trust and like just as they did with me, someone who will love their children just as much as I do.
Seasons of transition can be hard and very emotional like the one I'm in the middle of now, but God's hand is over me, He is guiding me and leading me through this season and that is what I must rely on. He is the light that will lead me through to whatever is waiting on me next, and today despite a heavy heart knowing that the end is approaching I'm actually grateful. Grateful for the time I spent here and grateful for whatever is in store next. May Yahweh bless you my family.
Psalm 16:11
You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
Monday, April 4, 2016
One Touch
Last week started out with me stressing about the pregnancy, about finances, seeing a doctor, a stressful friendship, and just worry in general. Everything had been going wrong for almost two months and I was at my wits end, but by the middle of the week things had begun to change and by it's end I was relieved, grateful, humbled, and in gratitude to God.
At the end of my post last week called 'Good Advice Helps' (http://www.jennthorn.blogspot.com/2016/03/good-advice-helps.html ) I wrote that one touch from God could change my circumstances, and actually that had been my prayer that morning as I drove into work and called out to Him. A prayer that was answered. Not everything has changed, I still don't know what to do about the friendship, or about when I am no longer working in October, but I have decided to just trust God and let these things play out as they will. What has changed I am happy to share because I know many have asked and were concerned.
The day after I got my heart right with the Father and called out to Him, my husband's boss put us in contact with a Christian pregnancy help center in our area. The center made an appointment for me to come in right away to be seen by them. Then they were able to set us up with a doctor who will work with us financially and delivers at the hospital I wanted to be at. But that wasn't all they did, they also scheduled me for sonogram tomorrow, are able to help us apply for WIC, provide pre-natal counseling for families to help be prepared for life with a baby and deal with any fears we may have and they can help us with other material things we may need like clothes, and diapers. One hour at this facility and I knew my prayer had been heard, this was my one touch from God to change my circumstances.
This wasn't the only burden that was eased though. My dad also told us that he wanted to help us out. He and my mom knew how hard we have been struggling lately and since they expected to get a good tax return he offered us some financial assistance. I wanted to cry. I don't know how much he wants to give us and honestly I don't care, I'm just grateful that he does, any help is so appreciated and we couldn't be more grateful. Today looking back to last week and how quickly the prayer for one touch was answered I couldn't be more grateful or in awe. The Bible tells us that Jehovah or Yahweh is our provider, but when things are hard or scary it's easy to lose site of that, and for a time I did. But through the people around me Jesus shepherded me back into His fold, where quickly the provision I had sought and worried over was found. Today I encourage you my family in Christ to wait on that one touch if you're struggling. Trust all that worry and fear to Yeshua, Give it to Him and take rest in His peace as He makes the way clear. Be Blessed today and always, In Yeshua's name.
Deuteronomy 2:7
For the Lord your God has blessed you in all the work of your hands. He knows your going through this great wilderness. These forty years the Lord your God has been with you. You have lacked nothing.”
1 Chronicles 4:9-10
Jabez was more honorable than his brothers; and his mother called his name Jabez, saying, “Because I bore him in pain.” Jabez called upon the God of Israel, saying, “Oh that you would bless me and enlarge my border, and that your hand might be with me, and that you would keep me from harm so that it might not bring me pain!” And God granted what he asked.
John 16:23-24
In that day you will ask nothing of me. Truly, truly, I say to you, whatever you ask of the Father in my name, he will give it to you. Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full
Philippians 4:19
And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
At the end of my post last week called 'Good Advice Helps' (http://www.jennthorn.blogspot.com/2016/03/good-advice-helps.html ) I wrote that one touch from God could change my circumstances, and actually that had been my prayer that morning as I drove into work and called out to Him. A prayer that was answered. Not everything has changed, I still don't know what to do about the friendship, or about when I am no longer working in October, but I have decided to just trust God and let these things play out as they will. What has changed I am happy to share because I know many have asked and were concerned.
The day after I got my heart right with the Father and called out to Him, my husband's boss put us in contact with a Christian pregnancy help center in our area. The center made an appointment for me to come in right away to be seen by them. Then they were able to set us up with a doctor who will work with us financially and delivers at the hospital I wanted to be at. But that wasn't all they did, they also scheduled me for sonogram tomorrow, are able to help us apply for WIC, provide pre-natal counseling for families to help be prepared for life with a baby and deal with any fears we may have and they can help us with other material things we may need like clothes, and diapers. One hour at this facility and I knew my prayer had been heard, this was my one touch from God to change my circumstances.
This wasn't the only burden that was eased though. My dad also told us that he wanted to help us out. He and my mom knew how hard we have been struggling lately and since they expected to get a good tax return he offered us some financial assistance. I wanted to cry. I don't know how much he wants to give us and honestly I don't care, I'm just grateful that he does, any help is so appreciated and we couldn't be more grateful. Today looking back to last week and how quickly the prayer for one touch was answered I couldn't be more grateful or in awe. The Bible tells us that Jehovah or Yahweh is our provider, but when things are hard or scary it's easy to lose site of that, and for a time I did. But through the people around me Jesus shepherded me back into His fold, where quickly the provision I had sought and worried over was found. Today I encourage you my family in Christ to wait on that one touch if you're struggling. Trust all that worry and fear to Yeshua, Give it to Him and take rest in His peace as He makes the way clear. Be Blessed today and always, In Yeshua's name.
Deuteronomy 2:7
For the Lord your God has blessed you in all the work of your hands. He knows your going through this great wilderness. These forty years the Lord your God has been with you. You have lacked nothing.”
1 Chronicles 4:9-10
Jabez was more honorable than his brothers; and his mother called his name Jabez, saying, “Because I bore him in pain.” Jabez called upon the God of Israel, saying, “Oh that you would bless me and enlarge my border, and that your hand might be with me, and that you would keep me from harm so that it might not bring me pain!” And God granted what he asked.
John 16:23-24
In that day you will ask nothing of me. Truly, truly, I say to you, whatever you ask of the Father in my name, he will give it to you. Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full
Philippians 4:19
And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
Friday, April 1, 2016
The Identity Struggle
I didn't grow up wealthy, or even well off. My dad made enough that my mom could stay home with us kids, but that meant there were certain things that we just simply couldn't afford. I never had the 'cool' clothes, shoes or backpacks, I often had clothes bought at Kmart, Wal-Mart and Goodwill, or hand me downs from my older cousins. We got two new outfits a piece at the start of school and one at Christmas and Easter, but there were times growing up where money was tight and we didn't get those things at all. The house we lived in was small also, my mom called it the shoebox, it was 2 bedrooms with a family of four. My parent's slept in the living room and gave up the bedrooms to my brother and I, I shared my room with the laundry and my parent's clothes. We didn't have the nicest cars either, we always bought used, and that often meant older cars but they ran and that's all my parent's really cared about. All of this led to some bullying and name calling in school, which wasn't helped by the fact that I was over weight and always had my nose in a book.
I'm sharing all of this because it was then that my identity was most vulnerable and I fell into the trap of believing the names I was called, white trash, fat, disgusting, lazy, poor, ugly and so much more. My self-esteem was none existent, and I hated the things I was called, I hated the kids who called me those things and was angry at the teachers who didn't defend me. By the time I hit puberty, these words had taken their toll, and I believed them more than the good things my parents tried to tell me about myself. I saw myself as worthless, as a nobody, as just another piece of trash that was never going anywhere and would never do anything good, I began to hate myself as much as the kids at school seemed too. I had no identity of my own, only the one given to me by my peers, and theirs told me that I wasn't worthy of the space I took up existing. This is when my battle with depression began and it continued well into my twenty's.
In college, like most young people I was still trying to figure out who I was, and had begun to live up to the names I had been hurt by. I stopped fighting them and accepted them as truth, as my fate. I accepted that I would never be more than white trash, I would always be poor, and life for me would be one long, lonely, miserable road, but in my heart I still desired more, still wanted more and it was making me bitter to think that I was trapped where I was. As things got worse and worse for me in college, and I liked myself less and less, especially when my little sister said she wanted to be like me when she grew up, I started calling out to God in my heartbreak and desperation, begging Him to change my life and circumstances, and He answered me.
Just a few months after I started praying like this and really meaning it my world crashed as my long time boyfriend broke up with me, and my relationship with my best friend and roommate became more and more uncomfortable. It was then when I felt more lost than ever that God placed Nick in my path and caused me to have a sugar crash that led to us talking. Nick was the light in my darkness, or so it seemed. He was the answer to pray, don't get me wrong, but in my confused and naïve state as we became closer and closer, fell in love and he helped me get my life back together I started to wrap my identity up in him. Still not knowing who I was I became completely his, and he had all control over my perception of myself and my emotional state. This is a dangerous place to be, if my husband wasn't a good man he could have really used this to hurt me and manipulate as my previous boyfriend had, but Nick was sent by God whether he knew it or not and instead he used that power over me to build up my confidence and self esteem.
Then things changed and he pulled away from me after our marriage. Suddenly he was wrapped up in the tragedies and difficulties that were around us and I was alone and lost again. This eventually led to my worst battle with depression ever. Everyday I thought of divorce, thought that I had made a mistake, but God would remind me of how I knew Nick was right (I had prayed for a sign from God, that my mute sister would speak to him and she did) and that this could be no accident. I thought of suicide constantly, and eventually lost all control of my emotions, breaking down in tears or freaking out and yelling at random. I couldn't get a grip on myself even at work. This caused my employer to pull me out of my classroom and place me on temporary leave while I sought help.
During my leave I felt really alone and didn't have anywhere to turn, I had hit bottom. And there in the pit I called out to God again, this time not only begging for His help but offering myself totally to Him if He would fix my mess again. I can't remember why now, maybe it was just desperation to hear about the Lord, or my desire to truly change but I started spending all that time on leave reading the bible, watching sermons, and praying. For the first time ever in my life I ran to Jesus hard and started trying to figure out what it really meant to be a Christian and how to live as one. Through this experience I learned two things that changed my life and relationship with Jesus, first that God is unchanging and always keeps His word, and second I learned that to Jesus I had worth and that my identity came from Him not others.
It took time, as well as a lot of prayer and study but eventually those labels I use to carry fell away. Eventually I saw myself as God's precious daughter resurrected and new in Jesus, a new creature free from those past burdens, and that made me feel amazing! Suddenly I knew who I was and I was happy to be me.
I decided to share this today because identity is a big deal in our current world culture, I personally believe our world is in an identity crisis. So many seem lost or confused about who they are and what life is all about. Many teens and even adults are allowing their peers, news, or the media decide who they are or who they should be, and from my experience that leaves you empty, hurting, and at a higher risk of depression, anxiety, drugs, alcohol, self-harm and even suicide. But it doesn't have to be that way. If we find our identity in Jesus, sacrificing our beliefs and opinions for His truth things become much simpler and more real. Our perspectives on ourselves and the world changes and we realize that we have as much worth as the guy standing next to us, that we are a loved, desired, and even have a purpose that God planned just for us. So I encourage you my family in Christ to search the Word, to pray, and seek God in a real way. Lay down your life and become a new creature with your identity wrapped in Jesus. Be blessed.
Please follow this link to see what the Bible tells us about our identity in Jesus:
https://bible.org/article/who-does-god-say-i-am
I'm sharing all of this because it was then that my identity was most vulnerable and I fell into the trap of believing the names I was called, white trash, fat, disgusting, lazy, poor, ugly and so much more. My self-esteem was none existent, and I hated the things I was called, I hated the kids who called me those things and was angry at the teachers who didn't defend me. By the time I hit puberty, these words had taken their toll, and I believed them more than the good things my parents tried to tell me about myself. I saw myself as worthless, as a nobody, as just another piece of trash that was never going anywhere and would never do anything good, I began to hate myself as much as the kids at school seemed too. I had no identity of my own, only the one given to me by my peers, and theirs told me that I wasn't worthy of the space I took up existing. This is when my battle with depression began and it continued well into my twenty's.
In college, like most young people I was still trying to figure out who I was, and had begun to live up to the names I had been hurt by. I stopped fighting them and accepted them as truth, as my fate. I accepted that I would never be more than white trash, I would always be poor, and life for me would be one long, lonely, miserable road, but in my heart I still desired more, still wanted more and it was making me bitter to think that I was trapped where I was. As things got worse and worse for me in college, and I liked myself less and less, especially when my little sister said she wanted to be like me when she grew up, I started calling out to God in my heartbreak and desperation, begging Him to change my life and circumstances, and He answered me.
Just a few months after I started praying like this and really meaning it my world crashed as my long time boyfriend broke up with me, and my relationship with my best friend and roommate became more and more uncomfortable. It was then when I felt more lost than ever that God placed Nick in my path and caused me to have a sugar crash that led to us talking. Nick was the light in my darkness, or so it seemed. He was the answer to pray, don't get me wrong, but in my confused and naïve state as we became closer and closer, fell in love and he helped me get my life back together I started to wrap my identity up in him. Still not knowing who I was I became completely his, and he had all control over my perception of myself and my emotional state. This is a dangerous place to be, if my husband wasn't a good man he could have really used this to hurt me and manipulate as my previous boyfriend had, but Nick was sent by God whether he knew it or not and instead he used that power over me to build up my confidence and self esteem.
Then things changed and he pulled away from me after our marriage. Suddenly he was wrapped up in the tragedies and difficulties that were around us and I was alone and lost again. This eventually led to my worst battle with depression ever. Everyday I thought of divorce, thought that I had made a mistake, but God would remind me of how I knew Nick was right (I had prayed for a sign from God, that my mute sister would speak to him and she did) and that this could be no accident. I thought of suicide constantly, and eventually lost all control of my emotions, breaking down in tears or freaking out and yelling at random. I couldn't get a grip on myself even at work. This caused my employer to pull me out of my classroom and place me on temporary leave while I sought help.
During my leave I felt really alone and didn't have anywhere to turn, I had hit bottom. And there in the pit I called out to God again, this time not only begging for His help but offering myself totally to Him if He would fix my mess again. I can't remember why now, maybe it was just desperation to hear about the Lord, or my desire to truly change but I started spending all that time on leave reading the bible, watching sermons, and praying. For the first time ever in my life I ran to Jesus hard and started trying to figure out what it really meant to be a Christian and how to live as one. Through this experience I learned two things that changed my life and relationship with Jesus, first that God is unchanging and always keeps His word, and second I learned that to Jesus I had worth and that my identity came from Him not others.
It took time, as well as a lot of prayer and study but eventually those labels I use to carry fell away. Eventually I saw myself as God's precious daughter resurrected and new in Jesus, a new creature free from those past burdens, and that made me feel amazing! Suddenly I knew who I was and I was happy to be me.
I decided to share this today because identity is a big deal in our current world culture, I personally believe our world is in an identity crisis. So many seem lost or confused about who they are and what life is all about. Many teens and even adults are allowing their peers, news, or the media decide who they are or who they should be, and from my experience that leaves you empty, hurting, and at a higher risk of depression, anxiety, drugs, alcohol, self-harm and even suicide. But it doesn't have to be that way. If we find our identity in Jesus, sacrificing our beliefs and opinions for His truth things become much simpler and more real. Our perspectives on ourselves and the world changes and we realize that we have as much worth as the guy standing next to us, that we are a loved, desired, and even have a purpose that God planned just for us. So I encourage you my family in Christ to search the Word, to pray, and seek God in a real way. Lay down your life and become a new creature with your identity wrapped in Jesus. Be blessed.
Please follow this link to see what the Bible tells us about our identity in Jesus:
https://bible.org/article/who-does-god-say-i-am
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