I didn't grow up wealthy, or even well off. My dad made enough that my mom could stay home with us kids, but that meant there were certain things that we just simply couldn't afford. I never had the 'cool' clothes, shoes or backpacks, I often had clothes bought at Kmart, Wal-Mart and Goodwill, or hand me downs from my older cousins. We got two new outfits a piece at the start of school and one at Christmas and Easter, but there were times growing up where money was tight and we didn't get those things at all. The house we lived in was small also, my mom called it the shoebox, it was 2 bedrooms with a family of four. My parent's slept in the living room and gave up the bedrooms to my brother and I, I shared my room with the laundry and my parent's clothes. We didn't have the nicest cars either, we always bought used, and that often meant older cars but they ran and that's all my parent's really cared about. All of this led to some bullying and name calling in school, which wasn't helped by the fact that I was over weight and always had my nose in a book.
I'm sharing all of this because it was then that my identity was most vulnerable and I fell into the trap of believing the names I was called, white trash, fat, disgusting, lazy, poor, ugly and so much more. My self-esteem was none existent, and I hated the things I was called, I hated the kids who called me those things and was angry at the teachers who didn't defend me. By the time I hit puberty, these words had taken their toll, and I believed them more than the good things my parents tried to tell me about myself. I saw myself as worthless, as a nobody, as just another piece of trash that was never going anywhere and would never do anything good, I began to hate myself as much as the kids at school seemed too. I had no identity of my own, only the one given to me by my peers, and theirs told me that I wasn't worthy of the space I took up existing. This is when my battle with depression began and it continued well into my twenty's.
In college, like most young people I was still trying to figure out who I was, and had begun to live up to the names I had been hurt by. I stopped fighting them and accepted them as truth, as my fate. I accepted that I would never be more than white trash, I would always be poor, and life for me would be one long, lonely, miserable road, but in my heart I still desired more, still wanted more and it was making me bitter to think that I was trapped where I was. As things got worse and worse for me in college, and I liked myself less and less, especially when my little sister said she wanted to be like me when she grew up, I started calling out to God in my heartbreak and desperation, begging Him to change my life and circumstances, and He answered me.
Just a few months after I started praying like this and really meaning it my world crashed as my long time boyfriend broke up with me, and my relationship with my best friend and roommate became more and more uncomfortable. It was then when I felt more lost than ever that God placed Nick in my path and caused me to have a sugar crash that led to us talking. Nick was the light in my darkness, or so it seemed. He was the answer to pray, don't get me wrong, but in my confused and naïve state as we became closer and closer, fell in love and he helped me get my life back together I started to wrap my identity up in him. Still not knowing who I was I became completely his, and he had all control over my perception of myself and my emotional state. This is a dangerous place to be, if my husband wasn't a good man he could have really used this to hurt me and manipulate as my previous boyfriend had, but Nick was sent by God whether he knew it or not and instead he used that power over me to build up my confidence and self esteem.
Then things changed and he pulled away from me after our marriage. Suddenly he was wrapped up in the tragedies and difficulties that were around us and I was alone and lost again. This eventually led to my worst battle with depression ever. Everyday I thought of divorce, thought that I had made a mistake, but God would remind me of how I knew Nick was right (I had prayed for a sign from God, that my mute sister would speak to him and she did) and that this could be no accident. I thought of suicide constantly, and eventually lost all control of my emotions, breaking down in tears or freaking out and yelling at random. I couldn't get a grip on myself even at work. This caused my employer to pull me out of my classroom and place me on temporary leave while I sought help.
During my leave I felt really alone and didn't have anywhere to turn, I had hit bottom. And there in the pit I called out to God again, this time not only begging for His help but offering myself totally to Him if He would fix my mess again. I can't remember why now, maybe it was just desperation to hear about the Lord, or my desire to truly change but I started spending all that time on leave reading the bible, watching sermons, and praying. For the first time ever in my life I ran to Jesus hard and started trying to figure out what it really meant to be a Christian and how to live as one. Through this experience I learned two things that changed my life and relationship with Jesus, first that God is unchanging and always keeps His word, and second I learned that to Jesus I had worth and that my identity came from Him not others.
It took time, as well as a lot of prayer and study but eventually those labels I use to carry fell away. Eventually I saw myself as God's precious daughter resurrected and new in Jesus, a new creature free from those past burdens, and that made me feel amazing! Suddenly I knew who I was and I was happy to be me.
I decided to share this today because identity is a big deal in our current world culture, I personally believe our world is in an identity crisis. So many seem lost or confused about who they are and what life is all about. Many teens and even adults are allowing their peers, news, or the media decide who they are or who they should be, and from my experience that leaves you empty, hurting, and at a higher risk of depression, anxiety, drugs, alcohol, self-harm and even suicide. But it doesn't have to be that way. If we find our identity in Jesus, sacrificing our beliefs and opinions for His truth things become much simpler and more real. Our perspectives on ourselves and the world changes and we realize that we have as much worth as the guy standing next to us, that we are a loved, desired, and even have a purpose that God planned just for us. So I encourage you my family in Christ to search the Word, to pray, and seek God in a real way. Lay down your life and become a new creature with your identity wrapped in Jesus. Be blessed.
Please follow this link to see what the Bible tells us about our identity in Jesus:
https://bible.org/article/who-does-god-say-i-am
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