The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty

     I just got home from seeing 'The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty' with my husband. We both really enjoyed the movie. Walter with his imagination and zoning out really reminded me of myself. I have always gotten lost in my head, with my imagination. It's my favorite place to hide. The things that happen in Walters life though reminded me of my husband. The kind of man he is.
     Creative, and intelligent with unrealized potential just waiting to be pulled out of him. I'm not going to give away the movie, but I will say Walter is put in some extreme situations that pull this potential out of him, and he uses both his imagination and affection for a woman to unlock the courage within. It was a really beautiful movie. I truly recommend it to anyone who is able to see it.
      It got me thinking though and made me sad. Sad that I can see what a truly gifted man my husband is and  he cannot. I was sad that I am not able to do for him what the female character in that movie was able to do for Walter.
     I really don't know what else to write at this point. All I can say is God bless you, and don't be afraid. Our limits are only in our mind. So be brave and take that chance you've been dreaming about.  Live the life you want, and believe that you can live it. All it takes is faith, imagination, and a willingness to try.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

Christmas isn't fun without children

      Every year for the last two or three the holidays have lost their joy for me. I try really hard to enjoy it, and part of me does, but the bigger part is just sad. Christmas is the hardest. I see all my friends and cousins talking about how excited they are about what they got their kids, and how much fun it was decorating with them, how cute they are in their Christmas clothes. It breaks my heart.
      It's so hard to enjoy something so special when part of your heart is empty. I know I need to be patient. If I push the issue it won't make it happen any sooner and it'll probably just make it harder to happen. But it's times like these that I wish he was as ready as I am. I spend all day five days a week taking care of someone else's children. I love my job but it doesn't replace what's missing for me.
     My heart wants a child of its own, a baby that we made, one that I can hold, and love and know that they were born by two people who wanted them very much. It's important to me.
     Every year it's harder to celebrate. Halloween just isn't any fun anymore, neither is Easter or Christmas. I hope the joy comes soon. I want to be happy and excited about these things I used to love so much. For now I celebrate half heartedly, and understand the meanings behind the holiday. I spend a lot of time praying, writing, and avoiding my friends and family with children so they won't know how jealous I am.
    Another Christmas without children is just painful.

Day of Solitude

     It's Christmas Eve and I have the pleasure of having dinner with my family and exchanging a few gifts tonight after a lovely meal. I love my family very much and am looking forward to it. But I find myself wishing that today wasn't so busy. It's my first day of vacation and my husband will be at work, I really want a day of solitude to shut out the world and work on my book while watching old VHS tapes and drink warm tea.
      It was my original plan for today. A quiet day at home while he's at work then the two of us having a low key dinner maybe some wine, and exchanging the gifts we bought for each other. Just a day of quiet. A day of peace to reflect, relax, and enjoy before the busyness of Christmas Day.
     But it's not to be. We have a last minute family dinner. It's going to be really nice though. I love being with my parents, and after my dad having a heart attack last week I really can't tell the man no. This will be a lot of fun, I can be silly with my little sister, have good conversation. And maybe I can talk my dad into reading the birth of Christ to us like he used to on Christmas Eve when we were kids.
      Better than solitude I get to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with the people I love most in this world. I am blessed to be surrounded by this much love. To have people in my life. I may crave solitude sometimes but I have what truly matters.
     I have a Christmas wish for all who read this. Let love in. Please allow this holiday to enter your heart and change you. Please be happy, and gratefu for what you have, because if you are reading this you have so much more than many.

Luke 2:10
'Behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people'

Tragic Artist

    Last night my husband and I were talking about how many great artist had tragic lives and many struggled with drugs and alcoholism. Whether they were painters or writers or musicians many struggled with the demons of depression and anxiety.
     I told him I believe him to be a tragic artist and he gave me a questioning look. So I explained and he asked me to post the explanation so he could read it again later. So that is what I am doing now.
     Much like Poe, and many other tragic artist you have gotten a tough break and struggle with dark thoughts. You have a gifted imagination though and have been blessed with the ability to express your pain. You are a talented writer and a gifted artist! I wish you take more time to express yourself and use those talents as an outlet!
     I know the pain inside you and do my best to relieve you of it as best I can. I don't know if your struggle will ever end but I know I will always be with you, my tragic artist.

Five years In Love

     Today is five years since you first asked me to be yours, five since we first danced together. Romance seemed so natural to you and you swept me off my feet. I am not really sure I ever regained balance, I simply just learned to lean on you.
      It's crazy to think we have been together this long, because it doesn't feel like it. Time has gone quickly since we met and the days don't seem to drag the way they used too. I think it's because I don't feel alone anymore.
      I had lots of friends before I met you, lots of people who aren't around anymore, and that's okay with me. None of them ever came close to taking the edge off the loneliness. You are my soulmate, I was picked by God to be your match and am eternally grateful.
     I doubt anyone will read this post other than us baby, and I don't care. I am yours. I  belong only by your side and as I sit here this morning getting ready to go to church with you and thinking about our life together I am so happy! I know everyday as you put your arms around me while I go to sleep that you were the right choice. No other life could be this sweet, no other life this happy.


             Happy Anniversary Dearest!

Those Dreaded Words

     I've known it was going to happen for a long time. He's never really taken good care of himself and his diet is terrible. But when my mom called this morning and told me my dad had a heart attack and was in the hospital it still broke my heart and panicked me.
     Like most girls my dad was my hero, and since I've become an adult he's been one of my best friends. I have a really good relationship with my dad, and so does my husband. In fact they were just hanging out yesterday and we all went together over the past weekend to buy a tree.
     I can't see him yet, but as soon as I leave work I'm going to the hospital. I want to pray with him. I want to hug him, and I want to tell him I love him. I'm lucky because my dad will get to come home in a few days. I still have my daddy. And not only do I still have my earthly father, I have a Heavenly Father too who is giving my dad the best care possible.
     As scared as I was when my mom called me, I am grateful that I have my father. I am grateful to God that I live somewhere where my dad can receive care and survive something like this. Today I am grateful beyond words.

The hurt on the inside

      I don't know if anyone else experiences this, but I'm sure I'm probably not the only one. There are days and sometimes weeks where I struggle to remember that I am blessed. I just wake up completely miserable, and unmotivated. It feels like my soul is in torment, my heart is breaking and I feel like I have no control over it.

     I paint a smile on my face and play the part of a happy person all day doing what I'm supposed to while inside it's all I can do to not to cry. I try things to make myself feel better, exercise,  being silly with the children I care for, prayers, reading scripture, smiling, writing in my diary, counting my blessings. But sometimes I just can't seem to make the hurt stop. 

     Right now is one of those periods for me, nothing can stop all the pain under the surface, I wanted to write this though not to complain, but to tell anyone who is reading this and experiencing a similar thing, you are not alone! There is someone who cares for you! And more than you know! There are people in this world who want to help you, and you have a Father in Heaven who loves you more than you will ever understand! Before you do anything rash please stop and remember this, you are loved no matter how much you hurt and feel alone YOU ARE SPECIAL, you are not alone. 

Psalms 121: 1-2

I lift my eyes to the mountains, where does my help come from? My help comes from The Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.

Slow it down...

     As I prepare to start a new chapter in my life I have decided to slow things down for a bit. For the past year I have worked one full-time job, a part-time job, some occasional extra work and I am running an online boutique. Plus whatever else I can find to make a little extra here and there. It's made for a very busy life with little time to take for myself.  When I am not working I also had family, and church obligations and of course maintaining a household.
     This has left me feeling really burned out a lot of the time. It has taken a physical, and emotional toll on me. While I am grateful for being able to do so much, and the improvements it has made on my lifestyle I am counting down the days until I can take my holiday!
     I have decided before starting my new job in January that I will take most if a month off. During this time I am hoping to work on this blog and my book, but most of all work on me. I want to focus more on my relationship with God, and try to start loving myself a little more, and taking a little time to care for myself.
     In these busy lives we lead today too often we forget to care for ourselves, so this year at New Years my resolution won't be to lose weight like it usually is, but to start learning how to take care of myself and slow life down a bit. I am hoping in my time off I will be able to reconnect with myself and relearn who I am and what my needs are so that in the New Year I won't be wearing myself to a breaking point.
     It's time to do my best at taking care of myself so that I can better serve my God, my husband, and my family. To taking it slow in the new year.

The kindness of others

    Yesterday my husband and I went grocery shopping as we usually do on Saturdays and when we came out of the store he noticed that one of our tires on the car was flat. He always keeps a can of fix a flat in the trunk so we didn't think it was a big deal.
     It was snowing really heavy at this point and he was already kneeling in about an inch of snow. After a few tries the can didn't seem to be working,  so we figured it was probably because it was an old can. The lady putting her groceries in the car next to ours saw my husband getting frustrated and heard us talking back and forth about what we should do. This woman is a complete stranger to us, but felt like she should help so she came over and handed my husband a brand new can of fix a flat and said for us to keep it!
     We thanked her, and were very appreciative of it, and the thought she had in trying to help us. But when my husband tried to use it, this can also didn't seem to want to work. The snow was getting heavier now, and it wasn't little flakes anymore it was like small snowballs being dropped on us. The lady next to us finished putting her groceries away and returned her cart; then she did something totally unexpected, she came back over to my husband told him to have a merry Christmas and buy a new tire. When he looked she had given him $100!
     We were blown away! A complete stranger had responded to our need in a way we never imagined! The can of fix a flat itself was generous but this women took it one step further! I pray blessings on her, and am more grateful than can be described.
      I wanted to share this with everyone to remind you all that sometimes miracles happen when you least expect them. And there are still kind people out there who want to help others. I hope someday I can pay this kindness forward in a big way like she did, but until then I'll just do little things in service to the Father.

Mark 12:28-31

28 One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?”

29 “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.  30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’  31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”

A Bit of Marital Advice

     Right before I got married I picked up a book about Christian marriage and when we put it into practice in our relationship it had amazing results on our marriage! My husband and I had a good relationship to begin with but with these principles integrated into our marriage we have been able to go years without fighting! And we have both been able to get satisfication beyond what we thought possible in a marriage.
     The first thing I would like to share is that you need God to make your marriage one of success and happiness, and by success I mean lasting. God's examples of love, mercy, understanding, and compassion need to be expressed by you towards your partner everyday, even when you're angry with them. We need to follow the example of His unconditional love for us if we are to truly love our spouse. It's not an easy choice to do this, and sometimes you won't want to, but marriage is a vow, a promise that you and your partner made before God, and God wants you to fulfill it. If you allow the Father to help you do this and make the decision to love your partner when it's not easy you will see your relationship flourish.
    Second, yes you are your own person,  you have your own thoughts and feelings; but the moment you took those vows you also became a reflection on your spouse. How people see you will have an impact on how they will see your partner, this is because your vows have tied you together. For example if you go around looking shabby all the time it makes you both look bad. So, in all that you strive to be a positive representation of Christ and this will reflect well on both of you.
   The third thing is marriage is not about you! Believe it or not but when you stop waking up everyday and demanding things of your partner to make you happy and instead work on making them happy it'll work to your benefit! A happy partner will want to repay you, they will want to make you as happy as they are! For example I leave notes every morning for my husband to encourage him, he appreciates this and misses them if I happen to miss a morning. In turn for showing him encouragement he tries hard, and typically succeeds, at  helping me to unwind and relax which is something I'm not good at on my own.
   One last bit of advice I'll share is don't react in the moment when you are upset. Emotions are fickle things and just because you are mad right at this minute because you've told them ten times not to leave their dirty socks laying around doesn't mean you need to yell. Instead try talking calmly through your frustration. Take a deep breath and tell your partner how you feel and why, for example "Could you please do better in the future with putting your dirty clothes away? It's really frustrating to me when I see them laying on the ground even though the hamper is right there."  Remember when you're angry or frustrated over these things that, more often than not they aren't intentionally doing things to hurt you or to upset you. Typically, its just that they didn't think their actions through or just weren't paying attention. With that in mind if you can calmly bring the issue to their attention and explain why it bothers you it gives them a chance to see things from your side and from my experience that's often enough for them to understand and try harder. I should mention before I go on, this is a two way street, you want them to listen and understand, so you must do the same for them!
     I can't promise these tips will work 100% of the time for every couple, but I can say in over six years we haven't had an argument while using these tips. We do disagree, but we talk it out, we get hurt, but we work it out. These tips coupled with a desire to serve the Lord and see our marriage thrive has allowed us to live together with no resentment or anger towards each other and still resolve any issues that have come up!

Ephesians 5:25-33
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”  32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Impatient

     Sometimes I want to skip all the work and get to the good parts right now. I want to have a house, a family of my own, success, and be able to spend all my time together as a family, and somehow manage to work from home. I think most people would like to do that too, but reality isn't that way. We have to work for what we want, and the acts of working for something or, in the case of having a baby, waiting on them to arrive seems to build our appreciation of it.
     Waiting on things, in my case children of my own, can be difficult. Everyday I am reminded of what I want, but don't yet  have. I love my job though, caring for children is an amazing gift and brings me so much joy! But a lot of the time I feel very sad in the depths of my heart. I want my own baby, my own home, my own family. Sometimes I'll admit, I even get a little  jealous of the families I've worked for.
      I know that's not right though, I know I shouldn't be jealous, and honestly even the jealousy goes back to the fact that I've always been impatient.  I'm starting to realize though, there is a purpose to waiting and it's helping to make waiting easier for me to deal with. In my waiting I am learning to appreciate what a child really means in my heart, what it will mean to be a mother, I'm learning that waiting gives you time to grow and prepare yourself, and I'm learning to trust that God will allow it to happen in His time, not mine.
     I need to be patient, even when my heart both breaks and rejoices in the sight of families. I need to trust that in this period of waiting He is doing works in my husband and myself that will help us as parents. I look forward so much to holding my baby someday, in God's time.

Psalm 27:13-14

13 I remain confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the Lord

in the land of the living.

14 Wait for the Lord;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the Lord.

True love happens once in a hundred years...

     I love the movie the Princess Bride, and the silliness of it. But the quote 'true love only happens once every one hundred years' has stuck with me. I have always hoped and prayed to find true love. It was more important than anything else because with it all things are possible. And in the world we live in I at times believed it only existed in fairy tales.
     Then one day I met someone. A gentleman who quickly swept me off my feet and into his arms. My whole world is about him now and I breathe air just to please him. He could ask anything of me and I would do it. But he is so kind, gentle, and caring that he asks only that smile and that I be happy.
     I have been with him for five years now and the more we are together the less we want to be apart.  I reread parts of my diary yesterday from years ago and was surprised to see that instead of frustration developing over time or that I was more in love in the beginning, I found that my love has only grown over time. I have no doubt that I will love him still when we celebrate 50 years.
     If that quote is true, I am truly grateful to have found what I always wanted, true love.

Alter Call, and Repentance

     I was at church this morning listening to the sermon and thinking about what the pastor was saying. He said that the meaning of the word 'repent' has changed over time. It once meant to rethink or change your ways rather than regretting or confessing sins. The pastor talked about when John cried from the wilderness to us saying 'repent for the kingdom of God is at hand' he was not telling us to regret what we had done, but rather to rethink our actions and live a life more pleasing to God. He was calling us to change.
    As I sat in the pew contemplating these words I thought about the alter calls they had in the churches I attended in the past. These were often very powerful, emotional calls from our pastor to kneel at the alter and beg forgiveness for our unworthiness, or pour out our hearts to God. But today I thought of getting up and kneeling at the alter not to beg for forgiveness, or ask for anything but just to simply kneel before my Father as an action of praise and worship.
     Too often in life we focus on what we do wrong and where we fall short instead of praising God for His love. He knows our short comings, He knows our pain, and He knows the secrets we share with no one else. Why does an alter call have to be a call for repentance? Why can it not be a call of praise and humbleness before God? My heart ached and called out today to kneel before my Savior simply to praise Him. I may not be able to wash His feet with my tears, or anoint Him with perfume, but I can humble myself before Him. I can kneel at His alter and give Him praise, I can make myself less and give all credit to Him, the one who truly deserves it. I can make the decision everyday to pick up my cross and follow Him, I can repent and allow the Holy Spirit to change me.

Matthew 3:1-6

1 In those days John the Baptist came, preaching in the wilderness of Judea 2 and saying, “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven has come near.” 3 This is he who was spoken of through the prophet Isaiah:

“A voice of one calling in the wilderness,

‘Prepare the way for the Lord,

make straight paths for him.’ ”

4 John’s clothes were made of camel’s hair, and he had a leather belt around his waist. His food was locusts and wild honey. 5 People went out to him from Jerusalem and all Judea and the whole region of the Jordan. 6 Confessing their sins, they were baptized by him in the Jordan River.

Thanksgiving

     Happy Thanksgiving to anyone taking time to read this. I really hope it is happy. Usually I'm pretty excited around the holidays, I love being with my family and seeing everyone. Lately that hasn't been the case. There is just so much drama and so much fighting it bums me out and I don't really want to be around it.
     I'm a real peace loving soul, I enjoy harmony. When things are good and everyone is getting along I am on cloud 9! I love to keep the peace and hate conflict! I value honesty and loyalty and strive to live by those principles, (if you want someone to tell you your crappy hair cut is good, I am not the one to ask!) I hate telling lies and try to always be honest, and I can't stand a liar!
     All of that is why this year I am really down. I have a very large family, getting us together means you need a big house with lots of parking! But everyone is fighting and angry, creating drama and spreading rumors about each other. It breaks my heart. I miss when we were all happy together, we've always teased and picked on each, and to outsiders it sometimes seemed cruel, but there was always love in it.
     This year Thanksgiving just isn't the same. And it's been like this for a couple years now. Every year it just gets harder to make myself want to spend time with the people I love. All the tension makes me sick. At least there's the Macy's parade...

Introduction

      I love my husband and the career I've chosen, but recently I decided to be daring and follow a dream. I have always loved reading, and writing, but somewhere in the last 5 years I lost that part of my life. Not the love of it, just haven't done much of either. I missed it, it left part of me feeling very sad. But I'd make myself busy and try to forget about it, or say I'll get to it later. And when I did try to sit down and write, I had nothing, my muse was gone. Or perhaps I just didn't know how to each that part of myself any more. Regardless of which it was I thought the dream of writing would never come to pass.
     Several days ago, almost a week ago now. My husband found out about publishing ebooks via amazon. I looked it up. It seemed so simple and easy. All the sudden inspiration hit me again! My mind has been buzzing with ideas that are begging to be written down, and I don't want to stop writing! It's incredible to me that all the sudden my dream is alive again!
     I don't expect to make it rich as a writer, I'm not planning on quitting my day job. I just want to share my love for writing with others. I want to be able to look my reflection in the mirror everyday and say you did it! You followed your dream and put it out there! You are a writer, and you are published! I don't care if I make a dollar, just knowing I did what I always wanted to do would be amazing!
     I am hoping that through this blog I can share bits and pieces of the story I am developing ( and hopefully get some feed back) as well as share some of thoughts and feelings.

Thanks to anyone taking the time to read this!