I thought about this as I was praying on my way into work this morning, how I had known God as a little girl and boldly loved Him, then somewhere, that faith turned to anger, to hatred, to distrust, until I had a hard time recognizing God at all anymore, then the loneliness and bitterness set in. I got really lost for a long while, and didn't recognize when God worked in my life anymore, I didn't feel His light and presence anymore, instead I felt alone and angry, and I blamed God for all the bad things in my life. I blamed Him because the light was gone, peace was gone, the joy was hard to find, and He stopped listening. I blamed Him, and sought revenge for my pain, rebelling against His truth to intentionally hurt Him, but right now I realize that I really just wanted His attention again, I was the toddler hitting other children to get a response out of the caregiver.
Now, having rediscovered my lost faith, I see that I was wrong, that I had been deceived into thinking God didn't care. I can look back and see that there were people reaching out to me, I can see that God was reaching out to me through them when my heart was too bound up to hear His voice. I can see that though I felt alone and like no one understood, I was deceiving myself, there were always people who cared, I just pushed them away in my anger and hurt. I had fallen into a pit of lies and believing in those lies overwhelmed my perception of the world and made it the very dark and lonely place I believed it to be.
It took letting down my guard, learning to trust someone else, listening to that someone else who encouraged me and accepted me to set me back on the right path, it took knowing in my heart that there was something missing and recognizing that the thing that had made the biggest difference in my life towards happiness and peace was God, and that it was His lack of presence at that time in my life that left me broken. I realized that I was never alone, and there had been no dark place that I had gone into where God hadn't tried to reach me, where He wasn't protecting me, where He couldn't find me. I was never alone, and neither are you, God wants you, God wants a relationship with you, He wants your hurt and He wants to fill those empty spaces in your heart, He loves you, and never stopped.
Jeremiah 29:13
And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.
Psalm 130
1 Out of the depths I cry to you, Lord;
2 Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.
3 If you, Lord, kept a record of sins,
Lord, who could stand?
4 But with you there is forgiveness,
so that we can, with reverence, serve you.
5 I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
6 I wait for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.
7Israel, put your hope in the Lord,
for with the Lord is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.
8He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins.
Acts 26:16-18
16 ‘Now get up and stand on your feet. I have appeared to you to appoint you as a servant and as a witness of what you have seen and will see of me. 17 I will rescue you from your own people and from the Gentiles. I am sending you to them 18 to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me.’
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