Lately, I've had a hard time with this. I am not proud of myself or my behavior, but I’m not ashamed of the truth either, I know what I have been and I have no shame in admitting I've been pretty cruel lately because I know the Father has forgiven me. I have failed to be loving because I am upset and angry. I have tried to be patient, loving, and encouraging for a long time, and suddenly I just snapped. But I know in my heart that this behavior is wrong. I know I should still be patient, loving and encouraging; I know that's what God wants me to do. I know it is what I have to do to feel better in my spirit.
I keep thinking about when Peter asks Jesus how many times we should forgive someone, He answered him in Matthew 18:22 with 'Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.' and then the parable of the unmerciful servant. Right now, I feel like the unmerciful servant. I know our Father has forgiven me, but instead of showing mercy and forgiving the hurt I have been feeling I have been blowing up in anger. I'm trying to let go, I have been praying constantly for strength to forgive and to choose to be loving, but when the moment comes to react, I have failed almost every time.
That doesn't mean though that I will fail again today. I have a new opportunity today to choose love over anger, forgiveness over hurt, and I know that I have the strength from the Father to do so. I fully believe in the power of prayer, I fully believe that when a child of God asks of the Father he/she will receive, so I know I have the strength to forgive and to love, now I just need to make that choice. It's the hard choice, it's easier to be angry and hurt and blame someone else, but the truth is all that anger and hurt is making everything worse for both of you. So, I'm letting go, I'm giving it up and making a concentrated effort to choose love.
Matthew 18:21-35
The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant
21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times
shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”
22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but
seventy-seven times.23 “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. 25 Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
26 “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ 27 The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
28 “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.
29 “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’
30 “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31 When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.
32 “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33 Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ 34 In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. 35 “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”
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