This morning I've been thinking and talking a lot about the influence others can have on us. How our friends can influence and pressure us into situations, and often just by who they are they can lead us either closer to God or further from. This is a lesson I learned the hard way and since then I have been weary of making close friends; if I am to be perfectly honest. I have tried to make friends and always seem to end up with the same results, the same kind of person, even if on the surface they appear totally different.
I won't say I'm totally friendless though because the truth is I have a couple very good friends, one that lives locally and we talk often, but we aren't usually able to get together because of busy schedules and well, just life as adults. But it is always nice when we can because we were best friends from about 12 years old-18, when I screwed things up, thankfully she has forgiven me and we are moving on. The other really good friend I have is a woman older than me who lives in another state, we used to talk everyday but in recent months she and I haven't talked as much, though we are both always there when the other needs us, which to me is true friendship. Both of these friendships are good for me, they feed me emotionally, help to keep me stable and thinking clearly, they support me in my marriage, and my relationship with God, and I try to reciprocate these things for them. They are the kind of friendships I truly desire, but not every friendship I have had has been like that, most have not in fact, and I've learned to careful who I allow close because of that.
The friendships that have not been good have all had one major similarity in them though they did it in different ways, manipulation. This is something that I am learning from these experiences to recognize early on and separate myself from as quickly as possible. The first serious situation I was in with a person who manipulated me was what screwed up my friendship with the other person in the first place. I will not say it was all her fault though, I will take accountability for the fact that I made those wrong choices and allowed it to happen. I could have at anytime put a stop to it, but I wanted so desperately to be liked by this creative, talented, exciting person that I allowed her to dictate my life, monopolize my time, convince to lower my moral standards and influence me to see my parents as oppressors rather than the caring, loving people they are. In this friendship I stayed friends with her for 6 years eventually moving in with her and her boyfriend. By the end of this relationship I saw myself in the mirror one day and knew I needed to get out of the relationship and change, I could literally see in my reflection through my eyes that I was killing my soul, and it made me sick.
The next friendship came about against my own better judgment. I knew this person was drama and trouble, and wouldn't be good for me, I wanted to keep her at arms length and just be co-workers, but I also wanted to be kind and show her love. Within a very short period of time though she started telling people I was her best friend, had her children calling me "aunty" and promising to make me their godmother. Suddenly I felt trapped and didn't know how to get out of the situation without causing problems at work. Looking back I should have said something, I should have spoken up and stopped it, but I didn't want to hurt her, or again cause problems so I went along with it until I couldn't handle it anymore. Everyday she was calling me, needing advice, money, help with rides, groceries, kids, and making me feel guilty or getting upset with me whenever I said no. Soon it became apparent that this relationship was taking a toll on my marriage as well as there was tension between her and my husband and it was at this point I decided it needed to end. This friendship lasted just a little over a year.
The last and most recent attempt at friendship has been much shorter, just a couple of months. At first we really hit it off and I thought that maybe I had finally found a semi-local friend who was on the same page as me spiritually. We did a few things together and for the most part I enjoyed the time we spent together. We didn't agree on all our spiritual beliefs but I know that everyone is different and was willing to accept her as she was if she was willing to accept me as I am. This was not the case though. As soon as I started telling her 'no' to certain things her attitude changed, suddenly I was being lectured on the love of Christ and made to feel guilty about not doing what she wanted. I tried after that to explain myself and my personality to her hoping that if she understood me better that we could work through things more easily, but she took it as me setting up guidelines, and the relationship became even harder. I tried to talk to her a few more times, and tried to make arrangements to see her again, which never worked out and I take accountability for that because both times it was my fault, once because of my grandfather's death and the second because of car trouble. Even then though I desired to make it work, but as I spent time in prayer and talked things over with my husband I realized this probably wasn't a good idea, the guilt trips would only continue, not get better if I persisted in this relationship so I let it go.
Why did I share all this? Well because I wanted to show the differences in healthy friendships and unhealthy friendships. Healthy relationships build you up, they are supportive of the things that are important to you and will strengthen other relationships in your life. But an unhealthy relationship will cause strife, anxiety, and in some cases like the friend that I lived with, draw you away from God. Often these kinds of friendships will use manipulation to get what they want and they will not take accountability for their side of things when it gets tough, they will lay the blame squarely at your feet and expect you to change to suit them. These are not the kind of relationships God wants us to have, in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 we see what a loving relationship is and this doesn't only apply to marriage, though weddings are where we hear it most commonly, this is the kind of relationship we should strive to have with everyone. We, as Christians should do our best with the help of the Holy spirit to exemplify these traits and look for friends and partners who do too. When we live by this and have friendships or relationships that look like this passage we will find peace in our spirit and in our lives, we will find joy and feel loved. I hope today if you are in bad relationship this has helped you to find the courage to get out, or if you are the cause of a bad relationship that you have been convicted to change, be blessed brothers and sisters and walk in love.
Proverbs 10:12
Hatred stirs up strife, But love covers all transgressions
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, it keeps no account of wrongs. Love takes no pleasure in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Ephesians 4:32
Be kind and tender-hearted to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you
1 Peter 4:8
Above all, love one another deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins
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