When I was in high school (and really most of my life) I struggled a lot with my emotions. I have always been the sensitive sort and with a lot going on in my personal life the guidance counselor at the school I attended then suggested that I go see a therapist for a while to learn to cope better. I did as she suggested and when I did the therapist I went to said something to me that I have never forgotten but always questioned. She told me that I cared too much, that I worried about other people and their problems too deeply and that's why my heart was so burdened. I can't say that I disagree with her entirely, my heart is burdened because I care about everyone, but I can't agree that I care too much. I just can't wrap my head around that statement and never have honestly.
For a long time I tried to believe this therapist, I tried to believe that the problem was I cared too much, so I did my best to stop caring about other people. I tried to ignore their pain, feelings, and emotion by closing myself off from my heart and that made me a very cold person. I became so cold in fact that for a couple of years people even called me the ice queen. Even in that time of my life though, my heart cried out to me questioning what she said, always when I thought about it my heart would ask back, 'maybe it's not that you care too much, maybe it's that others don't care enough.'
I said the prayer of salvation in May 2006, but stayed in the carnal mind for several more years, still holding on to what the therapist told me. In my heart, I wanted to be different, but I didn't know how to pull those bricks down I had built up to protect myself. I wanted to care about others like I used to, but I was afraid of being hurt again. Since then though, God has been pulling down the bricks I put up around my heart, He has been restoring me and teaching me to love. Sometimes He takes out large chunks all at once and other times its so subtle I barely notice at first. I'll sometimes feel really weak and vulnerable for awhile when these walls come down, but as I get closer to Him the weakness and brokenness of my heart has changed to something else. It's changed to a call to do something about the things that hurt.
I didn't realize what was happening at first, I didn't realize how much God had been changing my heart back to His original plan for it until yesterday. When I was driving home from work I noticed the car in front of me swerving a lot and not being able to keep a steady speed, even coming to a complete stop in the middle of the road after turning. My first thought was this person had to be drunk, my usual next thought is anger. But that isn't how I responded this time, this same type of scenario has played out probably a dozen or so times since I got my license as a teenager, but yesterday was the first time my response changed, and I realized so have I.
Instead of being mad at this person for being irresponsible, selfish, and endangering people's lives I found myself being concerned for them. I wanted to make sure they were okay. I wanted to know that they would make it home okay, and that no one would be hurt. And I found myself wondering what I could do to help them. I didn't know then what to do, so I just followed this person at a safe distance until they turned off and I prayed for them. But then I went home and asked around so I would know what to do next time. I realize now that my wall is almost gone, my heart wants so badly to help others, and to love them. I know this is God's will because He wants His children to love and care for others, and I know it's God because the world says to mind your business and look out for number one, don't care too much for anyone because it only leads to pain.
To be totally honest, I'm happier when I 'care too much.' I am happiest when I let my concern for others lead me to action. Caring too much is just the worlds opinion, I realize that now. We can never care too much.
John 13:34
A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.
Ezekiel 36:26
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.
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