No one will disagree with me that the world isn't fair. It's often more than unfair, it can be down right cruel at times! There is so much heartbreak and tragedy in the world today, and it seems to be getting worse all the time. There are honestly times where I will just watch the news and shake my head at it all, praying for something to change. I started thinking on this after I heard a song on the radio this morning; the man singing the song mentioned some things in it that are upsetting and disgusting to him, and in the song he prays to the Lord why don't you do something about this and God answers him with "I did, I made you."
The point is simple and profound. This world cannot change until we are willing to stand up for what is right, AND do the right things. See, it's not enough to voice a concern or speak out against something, though it is a start, we need to do something about it too. We all know of people in situations where they need help, and the first step to making the world better is to help, to be that out stretched hand. We are not supposed to sit idly by as our world spins farther and farther into chaos and destruction, we are meant to do something about it. We are meant to love the hurting and the broken, to care for the widows and orphaned, and to feed the hungry. What I am talking about is letting our good deeds show our love for Christ and others, and letting our acts of compassion and love speak for us. I'm talking about actions that show others that someone cares. Actions that show people what Jesus is all about.
We are called to love our neighbors, and ignoring their plight is not a loving thing to do. Every where in the world there are people who need to be loved and cared for, and we are responsible for them. We are responsible for the lives of others and not just our own. Loving one another means to serve one another, it means meeting each others needs whether material, or spiritual. We can all do something for somebody everyday to make their life a little better, even if its just one person a day or one cause we choose to support. We are all capable of doing something each day, large or small to show the love of the Father. Everyday is an opportunity to show love and do something to make this world better. Everyday there is a way to improve something for someone around the world. Today, I would like anyone who reads this to go do something! Go and show love to someone, somewhere. Whether its a donation to a charity or fundraiser, or helping someone you know, or helping a stranger. Take the opportunity today to show love, take the opportunity to spread the light of Jesus.
Proverbs 21:13
Whoever closes his ear to the cry of the poor will himself call out and not be answered.
John 13:13-17
13 “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. 14 Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. 15 I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. 16 Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. 17 Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.
Philippians 2:4
Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Colossians 3:17
And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of The Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
1 John 3:17-18
But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.
Monday, March 31, 2014
Friday, March 28, 2014
100th Blog post---Living with Anxiety
This is obviously my 100th blog post, and I had planned to do something special. I had planned that I would write something special. But instead I am finding that my plans are being interrupted by my mind and I am having a hard time focusing on what I planned on doing, and what I should be doing. Instead, I am irrated. I keep playing my frustrations over something, and conversations in my head over and over again.
It's like its on a repeating loop and its driving me crazy. Making me more upset, more anxious, causing me to lose focus, and even making me sick to my stomach. I wake up like this everyday, but I take immediate action to slow it and control it. Not everyday does it work though, and when it doesn't I can't give in or give up, though it would be easier. Instead, I have to work harder, try harder, and do the things I don't feel like doing because I know in the end they will help me to feel better and make me happier.
My usual routine for combating the craziness in my brain is to wake up and pray, not out loud because my husband is sleeping next to me but in my head and heart, I usually browse google+ and Facebook while I have this quiet, internal conversation with God. I see how my friends are and if there is a concern I pray for it. This typically is not enough to get my head straight though, so after this I get into my morning routine of getting ready for work. I usually talk with God through this whole process, but it's often very difficult to focus at this time because of the chaos on my head.
After this I write a note to my husband, sometimes it's nice and sweet and loving, other times its important stuff, and sometimes it's me babbling on. The note serves two purposes, one is to make my husband feel good, to let him know I am thinking about him and I love him, the other is to force myself to focus. And specifically to force myself outside of my head. I don't know what it's like for everybody with anxiety, but for me the more I focus inwardly; on the chaos; the worse it gets, so I use the note to channel my focus away from the craziness. Writing is one of the best tools I have, and I know that's not true for everyone, but it's what works for me. Everyday I write, and ususlly several times a day. I write a note to my husband, I write this blog, I write stories, I write diary entries, and letters to God.
I also exercise everyday, I do yoga, crunches, and lift 10 pound weights. And now that the weather is starting to warm up my husband and I will be hiking again, we usually go once a week and do 4-7 miles. There are other little things I've learned to do too, but they've become so natural to me know that I do them without thinking. Like eating healthy foods, smiling a lot, keeping my hands busy, the list goes on.
My point in writing this today is, that I know and understand that living with anxiety is hard. But it can get better. Everyday isn't perfect for me, I fail sometimes at making myself better, but I have learned that if I really want it to get better, if I really want to be happy and enjoy life that I need to make coping and combating anxiety a lifestyle. I need to celebrate the small victories like 'wow it's been 3 days since I cried for no reason or lost my temper.' I need to make a conscious effort EVERYTIME that I feel anxious, to do something to feel good.
In the beginning it was really hard, and I'd give up often and feel very discouraged. But I woke up one day and as I was talking to God and watching Joel Osteen I heard Joel talking about breaking cycles. This was a wake up call for me, because it was a cycle and is a cycle. A vicious cycle of terrible heart break. I listened to him talk about the powers of words and speaking defeat over our lives, and God's love and promises. I decided then I didn't want to live in this cycle anymore, I decided that I wanted to walk into God's victory. But the devil doesn't want to see this happen, he wants me to stay broken and give up, so he attacks me and tries to cause me to lose my focus, especially when I've been doing well for a while. But I know if I keep working on it, trusting God, and being positive that I WILL break these chains. God intended for me to have a life of happiness, and I am finally in agreement with Him and willing to do what I have too to get it. Happiness is a choice we make everyday, moment by moment. Anxiety can break you, or you can break the cycle.
Proverbs 12:25
Anxiety weighs down a heart, but a kind word cheers it up.
It's like its on a repeating loop and its driving me crazy. Making me more upset, more anxious, causing me to lose focus, and even making me sick to my stomach. I wake up like this everyday, but I take immediate action to slow it and control it. Not everyday does it work though, and when it doesn't I can't give in or give up, though it would be easier. Instead, I have to work harder, try harder, and do the things I don't feel like doing because I know in the end they will help me to feel better and make me happier.
My usual routine for combating the craziness in my brain is to wake up and pray, not out loud because my husband is sleeping next to me but in my head and heart, I usually browse google+ and Facebook while I have this quiet, internal conversation with God. I see how my friends are and if there is a concern I pray for it. This typically is not enough to get my head straight though, so after this I get into my morning routine of getting ready for work. I usually talk with God through this whole process, but it's often very difficult to focus at this time because of the chaos on my head.
After this I write a note to my husband, sometimes it's nice and sweet and loving, other times its important stuff, and sometimes it's me babbling on. The note serves two purposes, one is to make my husband feel good, to let him know I am thinking about him and I love him, the other is to force myself to focus. And specifically to force myself outside of my head. I don't know what it's like for everybody with anxiety, but for me the more I focus inwardly; on the chaos; the worse it gets, so I use the note to channel my focus away from the craziness. Writing is one of the best tools I have, and I know that's not true for everyone, but it's what works for me. Everyday I write, and ususlly several times a day. I write a note to my husband, I write this blog, I write stories, I write diary entries, and letters to God.
I also exercise everyday, I do yoga, crunches, and lift 10 pound weights. And now that the weather is starting to warm up my husband and I will be hiking again, we usually go once a week and do 4-7 miles. There are other little things I've learned to do too, but they've become so natural to me know that I do them without thinking. Like eating healthy foods, smiling a lot, keeping my hands busy, the list goes on.
My point in writing this today is, that I know and understand that living with anxiety is hard. But it can get better. Everyday isn't perfect for me, I fail sometimes at making myself better, but I have learned that if I really want it to get better, if I really want to be happy and enjoy life that I need to make coping and combating anxiety a lifestyle. I need to celebrate the small victories like 'wow it's been 3 days since I cried for no reason or lost my temper.' I need to make a conscious effort EVERYTIME that I feel anxious, to do something to feel good.
In the beginning it was really hard, and I'd give up often and feel very discouraged. But I woke up one day and as I was talking to God and watching Joel Osteen I heard Joel talking about breaking cycles. This was a wake up call for me, because it was a cycle and is a cycle. A vicious cycle of terrible heart break. I listened to him talk about the powers of words and speaking defeat over our lives, and God's love and promises. I decided then I didn't want to live in this cycle anymore, I decided that I wanted to walk into God's victory. But the devil doesn't want to see this happen, he wants me to stay broken and give up, so he attacks me and tries to cause me to lose my focus, especially when I've been doing well for a while. But I know if I keep working on it, trusting God, and being positive that I WILL break these chains. God intended for me to have a life of happiness, and I am finally in agreement with Him and willing to do what I have too to get it. Happiness is a choice we make everyday, moment by moment. Anxiety can break you, or you can break the cycle.
Proverbs 12:25
Anxiety weighs down a heart, but a kind word cheers it up.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Out of Town
My mother in law has told my husband and I for as long as I have known that we have gypsy souls. She says this because we don't like to stay in one place for too long, whether its jobs, or homes we like to keep moving and don't really put down any roots wherever we are. We tend to get very restless being in one place and that's how I'm feeling now. It's really not a surprise since we have lived in our house for two years this month, which is the longest I have lived anywhere since I turned 18.
Moving right now just isn't really an option, and besides that our rent is at a really good price for where we live and everything that comes with it. I just feel like I need to get out of town, I need to go do something different, or see something different! I guess this long winter of being trapped inside stirred that gypsy soul awake because I am craving freedom! I need an adventure! I need to get away! Even in my dreams we are camping or traveling, I need something out of the ordinary.
I know opening the coffee shop, and my book are big adventures, and I really feel like that should be enough for me, but I think because these are more of a process kind of things where you do a little at a time and don't necessarily see results right away is why I still feel the need. Or maybe these things are exactly why I do feel this need. These are big grown up things we are attempting, it's serious. And, in a lot of ways, I don't feel like a grown up. I still feel like a teenager trying to find my way, and spread my wings! I'm excited by the things I am doing, but I am afraid too.
I want to take this leap of faith that it will work, and honestly my spirit says it will, but my mind is another story and all the chaos inside me makes me want to run away! And maybe that is exactly what is needed, maybe my gypsy soul is telling me to get away for a few days, go see something different, take a break and get some clarity. I think pretty soon it will be time to get out of town for a while, see something different, relax my mind, take a break, and get a new perspective.
Romans 8:26
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.
Moving right now just isn't really an option, and besides that our rent is at a really good price for where we live and everything that comes with it. I just feel like I need to get out of town, I need to go do something different, or see something different! I guess this long winter of being trapped inside stirred that gypsy soul awake because I am craving freedom! I need an adventure! I need to get away! Even in my dreams we are camping or traveling, I need something out of the ordinary.
I know opening the coffee shop, and my book are big adventures, and I really feel like that should be enough for me, but I think because these are more of a process kind of things where you do a little at a time and don't necessarily see results right away is why I still feel the need. Or maybe these things are exactly why I do feel this need. These are big grown up things we are attempting, it's serious. And, in a lot of ways, I don't feel like a grown up. I still feel like a teenager trying to find my way, and spread my wings! I'm excited by the things I am doing, but I am afraid too.
I want to take this leap of faith that it will work, and honestly my spirit says it will, but my mind is another story and all the chaos inside me makes me want to run away! And maybe that is exactly what is needed, maybe my gypsy soul is telling me to get away for a few days, go see something different, take a break and get some clarity. I think pretty soon it will be time to get out of town for a while, see something different, relax my mind, take a break, and get a new perspective.
Romans 8:26
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Unexpected Turn of Life
I don't know about every school obviously, but at the school I went to every couple of years starting from about 7th grade on they would give us a test that was meant to help us find what our weak and strong points were and what fields of employment we would be best at based on these points. I always scored very high in three fields, retail business/sales, education, and counseling.
I never liked that I scored high in business, which was always my highest score, I had absolutely no desire or passion for going into business. Mostly because I related it to corporate business. I knew I'd be good at, just instinctively I knew I could succeed in the business world. But like I said that wasn't where my passion was, instead I pursued a career in education, more specifically early childhood education.
During the last seven, almost eight now, years that I have worked in child care; I have discovered something that when I was younger I never would have believed, I like business. And more surprisingly the more I work on and towards the business making the calls, doing the research, and discovering how to start a business the more natural things feel. It's like second nature to me, and I never thought that would be true.
I always knew I didn't want to spend the rest of my life working for someone else, I just knew I'd never be content with that, but I always figured I would just start watching kids out of my home, or open a daycare someday, or buy one from someone who wanted to retire. But I never saw this. I never imagined starting a coffee shop from the ground up, and I never imagined that as I started taking serious steps towards that future I would feel so confident about it, or that I would enjoy it so much.
We can't really predict where life will take us, and we should never count anything out, even if at the time it doesn't seem like the right fit, because sometimes it's all about timing. I am sitting here re-reading what I just wrote about timing, and thinking back on some things in my life, it really was all about timing, but not my timing His. I see important lessons I had to learn before I could do this, before I would be ready to take this on, and I see that I am exactly where I need to be to make it. Life isn't going the way I planned, and I am grateful for that because the future I am presented with now is far beyond what I expected.
Proverbs 19:21
Many are the play's of a person's heart; but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.
I never liked that I scored high in business, which was always my highest score, I had absolutely no desire or passion for going into business. Mostly because I related it to corporate business. I knew I'd be good at, just instinctively I knew I could succeed in the business world. But like I said that wasn't where my passion was, instead I pursued a career in education, more specifically early childhood education.
During the last seven, almost eight now, years that I have worked in child care; I have discovered something that when I was younger I never would have believed, I like business. And more surprisingly the more I work on and towards the business making the calls, doing the research, and discovering how to start a business the more natural things feel. It's like second nature to me, and I never thought that would be true.
I always knew I didn't want to spend the rest of my life working for someone else, I just knew I'd never be content with that, but I always figured I would just start watching kids out of my home, or open a daycare someday, or buy one from someone who wanted to retire. But I never saw this. I never imagined starting a coffee shop from the ground up, and I never imagined that as I started taking serious steps towards that future I would feel so confident about it, or that I would enjoy it so much.
We can't really predict where life will take us, and we should never count anything out, even if at the time it doesn't seem like the right fit, because sometimes it's all about timing. I am sitting here re-reading what I just wrote about timing, and thinking back on some things in my life, it really was all about timing, but not my timing His. I see important lessons I had to learn before I could do this, before I would be ready to take this on, and I see that I am exactly where I need to be to make it. Life isn't going the way I planned, and I am grateful for that because the future I am presented with now is far beyond what I expected.
Proverbs 19:21
Many are the play's of a person's heart; but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Black Sheep
I have always felt like a misfit, and really I still do. I never felt like I fit in with my peers when I was in school, or even with my family. I love my family don't get me wrong, and I know anyone of them would take a bullet for me, but I don't think any of them has ever really understood me. And the older I get the more I feel this way, the more I feel like I don't fit in.
Other than my husband and one special friend I made and lost long ago, I have never really met anyone who really understood me. And I think that's part of why I have trouble making and keeping friends. I keep people at a distance in general now, and it's because I just assume they won't understand me. So to keep from getting hurt and disappointed again I put up walls and barriers to keep other people out. But it really just contributes to the problem, it keeps me the misfit and the black sheep.
By locking people out and not putting in the effort to get to know people and allow them to know me, I never give anyone the chance to understand. Even people I should feel safe letting in, my family and people from church, I am honestly terrified to let them see and know the real me. I feel like I will always be the black sheep, I feel like I will always be a misfit looking for someone who understands. And as long as I keep people at a distance this will be true.
For a long time now I have been praying for friends for my husband and myself. A couple who shares our interest and we can enjoy being around and doing stuff with, and now there is an opportunity for it, but every time I think about trying to do something to connect with them, or think of something to start a conversation I chicken out. I start listening to the voices of doubt and fear telling me it won't work out, that I am bother, that they will trash talk me behind my back, that I'm annoying them, and that I will always be a misfit.
I know a lot of people have or probably do feel like this at some point or another. Fear is powerful, especially fear of rejection and hurt. It hurts when we can't connect with people, and it's lonely. So to get past it I have to decide to stand up to my fears of rejection and make myself vulnerable to some hurt. Even if I always end up the misfit, at least I'll have tried. And I know my husband will always be with me, I have at least one person who understands me here on earth.
Job 28:12
But where can wisdom be found? Where does understanding dwell?
Other than my husband and one special friend I made and lost long ago, I have never really met anyone who really understood me. And I think that's part of why I have trouble making and keeping friends. I keep people at a distance in general now, and it's because I just assume they won't understand me. So to keep from getting hurt and disappointed again I put up walls and barriers to keep other people out. But it really just contributes to the problem, it keeps me the misfit and the black sheep.
By locking people out and not putting in the effort to get to know people and allow them to know me, I never give anyone the chance to understand. Even people I should feel safe letting in, my family and people from church, I am honestly terrified to let them see and know the real me. I feel like I will always be the black sheep, I feel like I will always be a misfit looking for someone who understands. And as long as I keep people at a distance this will be true.
For a long time now I have been praying for friends for my husband and myself. A couple who shares our interest and we can enjoy being around and doing stuff with, and now there is an opportunity for it, but every time I think about trying to do something to connect with them, or think of something to start a conversation I chicken out. I start listening to the voices of doubt and fear telling me it won't work out, that I am bother, that they will trash talk me behind my back, that I'm annoying them, and that I will always be a misfit.
I know a lot of people have or probably do feel like this at some point or another. Fear is powerful, especially fear of rejection and hurt. It hurts when we can't connect with people, and it's lonely. So to get past it I have to decide to stand up to my fears of rejection and make myself vulnerable to some hurt. Even if I always end up the misfit, at least I'll have tried. And I know my husband will always be with me, I have at least one person who understands me here on earth.
Job 28:12
But where can wisdom be found? Where does understanding dwell?
Monday, March 24, 2014
Erica Runs A short story
The wind was fierce and Erica had trouble keeping herself balanced, but she was desperate to get away. She kept pushing herself to go; running as fast as she could up the hill and into the woods before her captors realized she was gone. She had to make it, but she knew she didn't have long, the dogs had surely heard her as she escaped and the basement window dropped shut. The dogs were certainly going crazy by now, barking and waking the monsters. It wouldn't take them long to get into that basement through the locks. They knew how many girls they had, they would notice immediately if one was missing.
She had to keep going, she pushed herself to go harder and faster. Any minute now they would burst out of that house with the guns and dogs and come after her. Her only chance was to make it into the woods, then she could find somewhere to hide.
She continued to push up the hill ignoring the wind and the cold as she ran, finally the tree line was just ahead, she was almost there and she started to feel some relief. But when the wind died down for a second she could hear the dogs, and the men. The were after her, she didn't have time to rest, she had to keep running.
Erica stumbled on a branch as she came into the woods, she wanted to scream, she knew they had heard her fall, and now they were that much closer as she scrambled back to her feet. Erica kept going now hearing them as they came closer. Her heart was pounding, her whole body aching from the abuse she had taken in the last twenty-four hours. She had to keep going, she had to get away, she couldn't go through anymore. She'd take her own life first.
She thought of nothing as she ran, nothing except getting away. She was focused only on where she was going. The sounds of the dogs and men were now accompanied with the sounds of breaking branches. She knew they were close. She wanted to stop and hide but she was afraid the dogs would find her, Erica pushed to keep going despite needing to stop.
She ran for what seemed like an enternity before she didn't hear the dogs anymore, and she ran on a little longer. She needed to put as much distance as possible between her and that place. Erica continued running until she came upon a road, fearing that the men would look for her a long the road she decided to cross it and stay to the woods. She hoped it wasn't a mistake.
Eventually, the sun started to come up and she could see, her body was bloody and bruised. Her newly manicured fingernails now ruined, her clothes missing, and what was left was torn. Her feet hurt and were cut and bleeding from the run. She wanted to rest, she needed to rest, but she was so afraid.
She had to keep going, she pushed herself to go harder and faster. Any minute now they would burst out of that house with the guns and dogs and come after her. Her only chance was to make it into the woods, then she could find somewhere to hide.
She continued to push up the hill ignoring the wind and the cold as she ran, finally the tree line was just ahead, she was almost there and she started to feel some relief. But when the wind died down for a second she could hear the dogs, and the men. The were after her, she didn't have time to rest, she had to keep running.
Erica stumbled on a branch as she came into the woods, she wanted to scream, she knew they had heard her fall, and now they were that much closer as she scrambled back to her feet. Erica kept going now hearing them as they came closer. Her heart was pounding, her whole body aching from the abuse she had taken in the last twenty-four hours. She had to keep going, she had to get away, she couldn't go through anymore. She'd take her own life first.
She thought of nothing as she ran, nothing except getting away. She was focused only on where she was going. The sounds of the dogs and men were now accompanied with the sounds of breaking branches. She knew they were close. She wanted to stop and hide but she was afraid the dogs would find her, Erica pushed to keep going despite needing to stop.
She ran for what seemed like an enternity before she didn't hear the dogs anymore, and she ran on a little longer. She needed to put as much distance as possible between her and that place. Erica continued running until she came upon a road, fearing that the men would look for her a long the road she decided to cross it and stay to the woods. She hoped it wasn't a mistake.
Eventually, the sun started to come up and she could see, her body was bloody and bruised. Her newly manicured fingernails now ruined, her clothes missing, and what was left was torn. Her feet hurt and were cut and bleeding from the run. She wanted to rest, she needed to rest, but she was so afraid.
Friday, March 21, 2014
On the Shelf
Sometimes we put things away on our emotional shelves and label it with 'Do not open' or 'Keep closed till stronger' but eventually that stuff comes off the shelf, whether we are ready or not. That's what's happening with me right now. A few years ago I had some pretty bad relationships that were running and ruining my life. I'm not going to go into the details of what was going on, if someone wants to ask questions I'll address them privately, but what I will say is that these situations have left deep emotional scars that I'm just now learning to cope with.
Recently it's become necessary to start dealing with these things. My time for putting them off is coming to an end and I need to face what happened, and learn to use these hurts to build my strength instead of allowing them to break me. Years later and the pain is still so raw that I can cry and still do sometimes, but I need to face it, and work through it, it's the only way to let it go. I don't want to carry this emotional baggage around anymore, so I'm giving it up to God, and facing these issues head on. I'm tired of the devil reminding me of this pain, and I'm tired of being hurt by these memories.
I know now that the only way to stop these things from hurting me is to deal with them, I can't avoid the pain anymore. I know that once I face up to what happened, the effects it had, and start freeing myself from it I will be better, and stronger. It's hard though, there's a part of me that says it hurts too much, just forget about it and pretend like you never experienced that. But if I do that I will never be able to really be free of it. I will always be battling to suppress it.
So, here's what I am doing now. I am taking small bits and pieces of the pain out of the box and looking at them, and for the first time I'm telling myself it wasn't my fault, I didn't make them treat me that way, despite what they said. Yes, I allowed it to happen, I am guilty of that, I should have left, but I didn't, I was just too scared. I am telling myself that it is okay to be hurt and angry, that I am safe now and that part of my life is over. I am also reminding myself of the time that has passed, I am looking at that broken, fragile, angry girl I used to be and saying that's not me, I am not her anymore.
It's hard to do this, and it's going to be a struggle, but I have God, I have my wonderful husband, and our loving family. It's time. It's time to face who I was and what happened, and let it go so I can become who God intends me to be. No more running from it, no more avoiding it, I am taking away Satan's ability to use these things to hurt me, I'm giving the pain, and all the hurt away to God and allowing the Father to heal me.
Matthew 11:28-30
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
Ephesians 4:26-27
Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.
Philippians 4:7
And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Psalm 30:5
His anger last only a moment, but his favor last a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.
Recently it's become necessary to start dealing with these things. My time for putting them off is coming to an end and I need to face what happened, and learn to use these hurts to build my strength instead of allowing them to break me. Years later and the pain is still so raw that I can cry and still do sometimes, but I need to face it, and work through it, it's the only way to let it go. I don't want to carry this emotional baggage around anymore, so I'm giving it up to God, and facing these issues head on. I'm tired of the devil reminding me of this pain, and I'm tired of being hurt by these memories.
I know now that the only way to stop these things from hurting me is to deal with them, I can't avoid the pain anymore. I know that once I face up to what happened, the effects it had, and start freeing myself from it I will be better, and stronger. It's hard though, there's a part of me that says it hurts too much, just forget about it and pretend like you never experienced that. But if I do that I will never be able to really be free of it. I will always be battling to suppress it.
So, here's what I am doing now. I am taking small bits and pieces of the pain out of the box and looking at them, and for the first time I'm telling myself it wasn't my fault, I didn't make them treat me that way, despite what they said. Yes, I allowed it to happen, I am guilty of that, I should have left, but I didn't, I was just too scared. I am telling myself that it is okay to be hurt and angry, that I am safe now and that part of my life is over. I am also reminding myself of the time that has passed, I am looking at that broken, fragile, angry girl I used to be and saying that's not me, I am not her anymore.
It's hard to do this, and it's going to be a struggle, but I have God, I have my wonderful husband, and our loving family. It's time. It's time to face who I was and what happened, and let it go so I can become who God intends me to be. No more running from it, no more avoiding it, I am taking away Satan's ability to use these things to hurt me, I'm giving the pain, and all the hurt away to God and allowing the Father to heal me.
Matthew 11:28-30
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
Ephesians 4:26-27
Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.
Philippians 4:7
And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Psalm 30:5
His anger last only a moment, but his favor last a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Speaking out of turn
Yesterday my mother in law was very hurt by something someone said which was directed at her. This person said they were sick of people being lazy, and that no one wanted to work for anything anymore they just want hand outs. And let me just say I know plenty of people that fall into that category, and I get frustrated and angry with them too, but my mother in law isn't one of those people. She may not 'look sick' on the surface but she has two chronic diseases and struggles with pain on a daily basis.
This person who spoke critically, and cruelly of her doesn't have a clue what my mother in law endures! I have been upset about this ever since my mother in law talked to me about it. I am trying to be understanding and forgiving of this person, but it's hard when I feel like someone has attacked my loved ones, I am very protective of the people I care for. This person's words were uncalled for, and untrue in reference to my mother in law, she was speaking from a place of ignorance and a lack of understanding, but we are all guilty of this at some point so I'm trying to let go and forgive.
Honestly though, I want to sit here and rant about how mean this woman was to my mother in law, and how unfair, and how dare she do that, but then I'd be guilty of the same sin, I'd be throwing stones of judgment without being free from sin myself, or having all the facts before speaking out. I know my hands are dirty too, I am by no means perfect. It's okay to be upset and angry about what was said, but it's not okay to return that hurt with wrath, and that's what I am working on today. I am praying for her today, and for my mother in law, and for me as I struggle with anger towards this person and wanting to throw stones.
Words are very powerful things, and I don't think we really understand just how sharp and hurtful they can be. And not just to the person we are using them against but ourselves too. When we speak out of turn like she did, and like we have all done at some point, we are allowing negativity to creep into our hearts and take root, and when we let it grow by continually talking bad about people we end up pushing people away. No one wants to hear you cutting others down all the time, and it makes them wonder what you are saying about them when their back is turned. Words have power to build or break, choose carefully.
Matthew 12:37
For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.
Ephesians 4:29
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
Proverbs 12:18
There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
This person who spoke critically, and cruelly of her doesn't have a clue what my mother in law endures! I have been upset about this ever since my mother in law talked to me about it. I am trying to be understanding and forgiving of this person, but it's hard when I feel like someone has attacked my loved ones, I am very protective of the people I care for. This person's words were uncalled for, and untrue in reference to my mother in law, she was speaking from a place of ignorance and a lack of understanding, but we are all guilty of this at some point so I'm trying to let go and forgive.
Honestly though, I want to sit here and rant about how mean this woman was to my mother in law, and how unfair, and how dare she do that, but then I'd be guilty of the same sin, I'd be throwing stones of judgment without being free from sin myself, or having all the facts before speaking out. I know my hands are dirty too, I am by no means perfect. It's okay to be upset and angry about what was said, but it's not okay to return that hurt with wrath, and that's what I am working on today. I am praying for her today, and for my mother in law, and for me as I struggle with anger towards this person and wanting to throw stones.
Words are very powerful things, and I don't think we really understand just how sharp and hurtful they can be. And not just to the person we are using them against but ourselves too. When we speak out of turn like she did, and like we have all done at some point, we are allowing negativity to creep into our hearts and take root, and when we let it grow by continually talking bad about people we end up pushing people away. No one wants to hear you cutting others down all the time, and it makes them wonder what you are saying about them when their back is turned. Words have power to build or break, choose carefully.
Matthew 12:37
For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.
Ephesians 4:29
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
Proverbs 12:18
There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Always there is a reason to rejoice!
Life is so crazy, and feelings are so fleeting! Just last week everyday was a struggle to keep my head on right, to stay positive, to not get frustrated or overwhelmed. Then today I feel like I am cloud nine! I see things moving forward in positive directions in all aspects of my life. And in all reality nothing at all has changed except my perception of things.
At some point over my four day weekend I went from being frustrated with the slow pace of making progress with the coffee shop and my book to being grateful I have made progress! And once I started looking at what I've accomplished so far versus what still needs to be done, I felt amazing! I felt blessed and positive again, and more determined than before!
I am starting to realize perception is a great tool for either side, God can lift you up and make you great, but if you are not careful satan will use those samethings that God meant to prosper you to frustrate, overwhelm, and steal that joy. And he does it for good reason, if we lose hold of God's hope and allow the frustration and negativity to enter and take hold, he can stop us from fulfilling our destiny.
I realize now, standing on the other side of it, that's exactly what was happening last week, what should be a blessing in my life was becoming overwhelming and causing many doubts and fears within me. But as I stood in faith and reminded myself what the truth was I got through it, not without a struggle, but I did it.
I am not writing this to brag about my faith, because honestly I have a long way to go, I consider myself to still be very young and immature in my faith, do I know the journey ahead is long. I shared this, and other little testimonies, because I hope to help people see God's love is there regardless, it's just up to us to choose to see it. I share these testimonies because I am hoping someone can see themselves and relate to what I am writing, and maybe if I am really blessed I can help bring someone to God, or support those who have already found him.
Please, don't allow your joy to be stolen, know in your heart that there is always something to be thankful for, always there is a reason to rejoice! Your happiness and mental well being is too important to allow it to be stolen by people or circumstances, I hope we all choose to recognize our blessings today and denounce the fears and doubts. Blessings to all!
Psalm 68:3
But may the righteous be glad and rejoice before God; may they be happy and joyful.
At some point over my four day weekend I went from being frustrated with the slow pace of making progress with the coffee shop and my book to being grateful I have made progress! And once I started looking at what I've accomplished so far versus what still needs to be done, I felt amazing! I felt blessed and positive again, and more determined than before!
I am starting to realize perception is a great tool for either side, God can lift you up and make you great, but if you are not careful satan will use those samethings that God meant to prosper you to frustrate, overwhelm, and steal that joy. And he does it for good reason, if we lose hold of God's hope and allow the frustration and negativity to enter and take hold, he can stop us from fulfilling our destiny.
I realize now, standing on the other side of it, that's exactly what was happening last week, what should be a blessing in my life was becoming overwhelming and causing many doubts and fears within me. But as I stood in faith and reminded myself what the truth was I got through it, not without a struggle, but I did it.
I am not writing this to brag about my faith, because honestly I have a long way to go, I consider myself to still be very young and immature in my faith, do I know the journey ahead is long. I shared this, and other little testimonies, because I hope to help people see God's love is there regardless, it's just up to us to choose to see it. I share these testimonies because I am hoping someone can see themselves and relate to what I am writing, and maybe if I am really blessed I can help bring someone to God, or support those who have already found him.
Please, don't allow your joy to be stolen, know in your heart that there is always something to be thankful for, always there is a reason to rejoice! Your happiness and mental well being is too important to allow it to be stolen by people or circumstances, I hope we all choose to recognize our blessings today and denounce the fears and doubts. Blessings to all!
Psalm 68:3
But may the righteous be glad and rejoice before God; may they be happy and joyful.
Friday, March 14, 2014
Change of Heart
I used to love the color yellow as a child, and I loved smiley faces even better! I remember my mom asking me why I liked yellow so much, and I couldn't explain it then, granted I was five, but the point is I just knew I liked it. When I got older though it changed. As depression set in during my early teen years I didn't like yellow or smiley faces anymore, I didn't like anything that wasn't as dark as I felt inside.
I know that may just seem on the surface as a'well of course your taste changed you grew up' kind of thing, but it's really not the case. See as an adult, smiley faces and yellow are now at the top of my list again! See, I didn't grow out of yellow and smiley faces because I grew up, but because I grew sad.
When I was depressed and unhappy I was attracted to dark and depressing things, and if you asked me then what my favorite colors were I would have told you black, red, and purple. I surrounded myself in a world of sadness, because that's the way I felt. Happiness at that time in my life made me angry. I hated seeing people happy, it pissed me off, because I wasn't anymore and I didn't know how to be either.
It's taken time, and work but I am happy again, and I realized as I was texting my boss this morning, and looking back through my old text messages to her that I use smiley faces EVERYWHERE again. I text them all the time, I put them on my status updates, I put them in my morning notes to my husband, in my diary, and I've been tempted to put them in my blogs! As my heart changed and I started to feel joy again I wanted spread it, so my smiley faces came back. And now so is yellow.
Time can change your heart if you let it. But it's up to you to decide just how much. I let time and circumstances to beat me in the past, to steal my joy and love of life, but now I know I want to be happy and I am willing to do what it takes to be happy. I can honestly say that despite everything going on in my life I am the happiest I have been since I was a child. And it may not always be that way, the devil is in the world and he wants to still our joy, and oh boy does he try! But right now I am happy, truly in my soul happy and content. I know it because everywhere I go I want to leave a smile, just like when I was little. :)
This morning while writing this I took a moment to thank God for you reading this, I thought about you and hoped happiness could reach your soul. God loves you, and so do I. I want you to be happy and know how blessed you are. Darkness is out there, and it can break a person, but it doesn't have too. There is light in the world, let it into your heart.
2 Corithians 4:6
For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made His light shine in our hearts to give us the light of knowledge of God's glory displayed in the face of Christ.
I know that may just seem on the surface as a'well of course your taste changed you grew up' kind of thing, but it's really not the case. See as an adult, smiley faces and yellow are now at the top of my list again! See, I didn't grow out of yellow and smiley faces because I grew up, but because I grew sad.
When I was depressed and unhappy I was attracted to dark and depressing things, and if you asked me then what my favorite colors were I would have told you black, red, and purple. I surrounded myself in a world of sadness, because that's the way I felt. Happiness at that time in my life made me angry. I hated seeing people happy, it pissed me off, because I wasn't anymore and I didn't know how to be either.
It's taken time, and work but I am happy again, and I realized as I was texting my boss this morning, and looking back through my old text messages to her that I use smiley faces EVERYWHERE again. I text them all the time, I put them on my status updates, I put them in my morning notes to my husband, in my diary, and I've been tempted to put them in my blogs! As my heart changed and I started to feel joy again I wanted spread it, so my smiley faces came back. And now so is yellow.
Time can change your heart if you let it. But it's up to you to decide just how much. I let time and circumstances to beat me in the past, to steal my joy and love of life, but now I know I want to be happy and I am willing to do what it takes to be happy. I can honestly say that despite everything going on in my life I am the happiest I have been since I was a child. And it may not always be that way, the devil is in the world and he wants to still our joy, and oh boy does he try! But right now I am happy, truly in my soul happy and content. I know it because everywhere I go I want to leave a smile, just like when I was little. :)
This morning while writing this I took a moment to thank God for you reading this, I thought about you and hoped happiness could reach your soul. God loves you, and so do I. I want you to be happy and know how blessed you are. Darkness is out there, and it can break a person, but it doesn't have too. There is light in the world, let it into your heart.
2 Corithians 4:6
For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made His light shine in our hearts to give us the light of knowledge of God's glory displayed in the face of Christ.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Unintentional Experiment
People always have said to make a good first impression, but we also hear a lot of 'it doesn't matter what you wear', 'wear what makes you comfortable, or happy.' I'm starting to learn though that certain styles of dress recieve certain treatment. I am learning all the time that you can elicate certain treatment by how you dress.
I used to work at a daycare with a strict dress code where they told us if we wanted to be treated like professionals we needed to dress like professionals. At that point and time though, I didn't really think what I wore had any impact on how I was treated by other people. I followed the dress code anyway because, well, I needed that pay check and my boss told me to do it. One day after work when I managed not to get covered in baby snot or puke, I stopped at a store on my way home. I was surprised that several employees came up to me right away and asked if I needed assistance. I figured it was just that the employees here were more courteous than at the store closer to my home.
Shortly after that I decided to try an experiment and test the dress like a professional to be treated like a professional theory. I went to a store where I know 'regular' people go all the time. When I went in the first time I dressed like I normally do, a t-shirt, and jeans. I wandered around the store like I was looking for something, no one came to help though, I had to seek out an employee.
Later that same day I went back all dressed up and had my hair done and make-up on. I did the same as before, wandered around the store looking for something, dressed up like I had a little money I had three employees come up to me and offer assistance. I always found that rather interesting and remember it whenever I'm going out, if I feel like I may need help.
Earlier this week the weather was really nice, and I took the children I care for out on a walk two days in a row. The first day I was dressed nicely, and had on my more expensive looking winter coat, the second day I just wore a plain hoodie. I work as a nanny in a very nice neighborhood where people have, shall we say, more than most. And on the first day anyone who drove through the neighborhood or walked past me waved and smiled. On the second day, not so much. My style of dress that day made it obvious that I wasn't one of them, that I just worked in the neighborhood and didn't live there, so they weren't as polite to me.
It was an unexpected, and kind of shocking reminder to myself that the way you dress does affect how you are treated by people. If you want respect and to be treated as a successful person you need to dress like it. I know that it probably sounds stupid to some people and they are going 'why should it matter how I dress' but its true, you have to dress for the life you want. It's just how we are. Try it yourself and see.
Ezekiel 16:10
I clothed you with an embroidered dress and put sandals of fine leather on you. I dressed you in fine linen and covered you with costly garments.
I used to work at a daycare with a strict dress code where they told us if we wanted to be treated like professionals we needed to dress like professionals. At that point and time though, I didn't really think what I wore had any impact on how I was treated by other people. I followed the dress code anyway because, well, I needed that pay check and my boss told me to do it. One day after work when I managed not to get covered in baby snot or puke, I stopped at a store on my way home. I was surprised that several employees came up to me right away and asked if I needed assistance. I figured it was just that the employees here were more courteous than at the store closer to my home.
Shortly after that I decided to try an experiment and test the dress like a professional to be treated like a professional theory. I went to a store where I know 'regular' people go all the time. When I went in the first time I dressed like I normally do, a t-shirt, and jeans. I wandered around the store like I was looking for something, no one came to help though, I had to seek out an employee.
Later that same day I went back all dressed up and had my hair done and make-up on. I did the same as before, wandered around the store looking for something, dressed up like I had a little money I had three employees come up to me and offer assistance. I always found that rather interesting and remember it whenever I'm going out, if I feel like I may need help.
Earlier this week the weather was really nice, and I took the children I care for out on a walk two days in a row. The first day I was dressed nicely, and had on my more expensive looking winter coat, the second day I just wore a plain hoodie. I work as a nanny in a very nice neighborhood where people have, shall we say, more than most. And on the first day anyone who drove through the neighborhood or walked past me waved and smiled. On the second day, not so much. My style of dress that day made it obvious that I wasn't one of them, that I just worked in the neighborhood and didn't live there, so they weren't as polite to me.
It was an unexpected, and kind of shocking reminder to myself that the way you dress does affect how you are treated by people. If you want respect and to be treated as a successful person you need to dress like it. I know that it probably sounds stupid to some people and they are going 'why should it matter how I dress' but its true, you have to dress for the life you want. It's just how we are. Try it yourself and see.
Ezekiel 16:10
I clothed you with an embroidered dress and put sandals of fine leather on you. I dressed you in fine linen and covered you with costly garments.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Stopping the Blurr and Focusing in
I have no idea what to write today, I've tried three different things so far and nothing is grabbing my attention. My mind's all business today. That's where I want to focus, I want to work on my book, I want to read about how to own and operate a coffee shop, and I want to get an appointment made with my accountant. I have so many responsibilities floating around inside my head that I am having trouble seeing past them, and it's frustrating me.
I want to relax, I want to focus on the here and now. But my mind is working days, weeks, months and even years ahead of me. It's good to plan ahead and be prepared, but I need to slow down. I need to pace myself before I burn out. It's a really bad habit of mine. I do it often, get all excited about something and work at it, then I spread myself too thin and become overwhelmed by it because I try to take on the whole project at once instead of just one piece at a time. This time I have taken on two large projects and my head is swirling all the time, my emotions because of this have been just as turbulent lately. I am aware of this, but how do I retrain myself to take back the control and focus on one thing at a time?
I'm thinking I will develop a schedule. I am going to write down all the things that need done for my book, the business, my job, and housework. I'll list all of my responsibilities and put it in a calendar. I am going to put it on a calendar that also has the hours of the day. This way I can schedule in when I normally do stuff, and figure out free time for myself too, because its important, and that's typically part of why I burn myself out, I don't take time for me. I won't start my new schedule until next week though, and I have a good reason, if I start something in the middle of the week, it never works out for me, I won't follow through. I have to start on Mondays.
It's important to know things like that about yourself, especially if organization is something you struggle with. I used to have a really hard time organizing, and sometimes still do, but I am getting better, with the knowledge of things like starting on Mondays works best for me, that a visible posted schedule is a good reminder, and alarms are great! I have also found that one of the biggest things that can help to get organized and stay on track is too ask for help, the most difficult thing for me. I hate to not be capable of doing things on my own, but we all need help. Even if its just staying on track and getting organized, without help we aren't accountable to anyone but ourselves, and if you are as weak willed as I am, that's bad. I need to be able to say to someone, this is what I am doing and working on, can you help me to make sure I do it?
Having goals are great but if you never reach them what's the point? I had a bad habit of that in my teens, but these tips I mentioned above have been a huge help to me, and I hope maybe to someone else.
Proverbs 17:24
A discerning person keeps wisdom in view, but a fool's eyes wander to the ends of the earth.
I want to relax, I want to focus on the here and now. But my mind is working days, weeks, months and even years ahead of me. It's good to plan ahead and be prepared, but I need to slow down. I need to pace myself before I burn out. It's a really bad habit of mine. I do it often, get all excited about something and work at it, then I spread myself too thin and become overwhelmed by it because I try to take on the whole project at once instead of just one piece at a time. This time I have taken on two large projects and my head is swirling all the time, my emotions because of this have been just as turbulent lately. I am aware of this, but how do I retrain myself to take back the control and focus on one thing at a time?
I'm thinking I will develop a schedule. I am going to write down all the things that need done for my book, the business, my job, and housework. I'll list all of my responsibilities and put it in a calendar. I am going to put it on a calendar that also has the hours of the day. This way I can schedule in when I normally do stuff, and figure out free time for myself too, because its important, and that's typically part of why I burn myself out, I don't take time for me. I won't start my new schedule until next week though, and I have a good reason, if I start something in the middle of the week, it never works out for me, I won't follow through. I have to start on Mondays.
It's important to know things like that about yourself, especially if organization is something you struggle with. I used to have a really hard time organizing, and sometimes still do, but I am getting better, with the knowledge of things like starting on Mondays works best for me, that a visible posted schedule is a good reminder, and alarms are great! I have also found that one of the biggest things that can help to get organized and stay on track is too ask for help, the most difficult thing for me. I hate to not be capable of doing things on my own, but we all need help. Even if its just staying on track and getting organized, without help we aren't accountable to anyone but ourselves, and if you are as weak willed as I am, that's bad. I need to be able to say to someone, this is what I am doing and working on, can you help me to make sure I do it?
Having goals are great but if you never reach them what's the point? I had a bad habit of that in my teens, but these tips I mentioned above have been a huge help to me, and I hope maybe to someone else.
Proverbs 17:24
A discerning person keeps wisdom in view, but a fool's eyes wander to the ends of the earth.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Heavy Heart
Two years ago today my lovely, wonderful, adventurous aunt passed away from colon cancer, the next day one of my cousins was killed in a car accident, and four days after that my grandfather died from an infection. When I woke up this morning and wrote the date on my morning note to my husband, I shivered and fought back tears. Two years later and I still grieve, I still mourn their loss, I miss them and it hurts.
Everyday I listen to the radio station Klove as I drive into work, and as it turns out 5 years ago Canklefritz, one of the morning host, lost his dad. So this morning they were talking about that, and they played an old clip of Canklefritz on another station talking to a thirteen year old boy about loss. The boy said he had to put down a beloved pet and he cried and questioned God, and God answered him. The boy asked the same question we all ask when we are about to lose or have lost someone we love, why. He said God answered him by explaining it serves a purpose. Sometimes we may not see it right now, because sometimes the effects of something are years down the road. But there is a purpose to it. And that God understands the pain we are going through when we have to watch someone suffer and die because He had to watch His son die, but the purpose was greater.
This was exactly what I needed to hear this morning. I needed to be reminded that my God understands, and that although I am hurting and have an aching heart today, my loved ones did not die in vain. God can use their deaths, use that loss, for something good. I needed this so much. I cried when I listened to this little boy speak those words through his tears, and I am crying now as I write this. I still hurt, I still miss them, and I probably always will, that's just the risk of loving someone, but God understands, and who knows what fruit will come from this.
I want to try today and all this week to remember them, which isn't really hard I think about them often, but I want to remember with smiles not tears. I want to be grateful today. I want to honor their memories today and not mourn them. So that's my goal, I want to try a different attitude and approach to this, I don't want to spend another week this year on the verge of tears feeling bad for myself because I hurt. I want to try to do something to honor them and be grateful that they were part of my life. I'm not sure yet what that will be, so if you read this and have an idea please let me know. I think this will really help me to heal, and it's time to heal I think. I can still miss them, but I need to let go, I can't spend my whole life in mourning. God does not want us to keep ourselves in pain, to keep ourselves burdened, he wants us to be happy, I know this because what parent wouldn't? What caregiver wouldn't want to see their precious ones happy? So today will honor their memory, and give my pain up to God and allow Him to comfort and heal my broken heart.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.
Everyday I listen to the radio station Klove as I drive into work, and as it turns out 5 years ago Canklefritz, one of the morning host, lost his dad. So this morning they were talking about that, and they played an old clip of Canklefritz on another station talking to a thirteen year old boy about loss. The boy said he had to put down a beloved pet and he cried and questioned God, and God answered him. The boy asked the same question we all ask when we are about to lose or have lost someone we love, why. He said God answered him by explaining it serves a purpose. Sometimes we may not see it right now, because sometimes the effects of something are years down the road. But there is a purpose to it. And that God understands the pain we are going through when we have to watch someone suffer and die because He had to watch His son die, but the purpose was greater.
This was exactly what I needed to hear this morning. I needed to be reminded that my God understands, and that although I am hurting and have an aching heart today, my loved ones did not die in vain. God can use their deaths, use that loss, for something good. I needed this so much. I cried when I listened to this little boy speak those words through his tears, and I am crying now as I write this. I still hurt, I still miss them, and I probably always will, that's just the risk of loving someone, but God understands, and who knows what fruit will come from this.
I want to try today and all this week to remember them, which isn't really hard I think about them often, but I want to remember with smiles not tears. I want to be grateful today. I want to honor their memories today and not mourn them. So that's my goal, I want to try a different attitude and approach to this, I don't want to spend another week this year on the verge of tears feeling bad for myself because I hurt. I want to try to do something to honor them and be grateful that they were part of my life. I'm not sure yet what that will be, so if you read this and have an idea please let me know. I think this will really help me to heal, and it's time to heal I think. I can still miss them, but I need to let go, I can't spend my whole life in mourning. God does not want us to keep ourselves in pain, to keep ourselves burdened, he wants us to be happy, I know this because what parent wouldn't? What caregiver wouldn't want to see their precious ones happy? So today will honor their memory, and give my pain up to God and allow Him to comfort and heal my broken heart.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Life's little coincidences
A few weeks ago I told the Pastor's wife at the church we attend occasionally (it's not our home church, but it's closer to our house and we kinda like it better anymore) about our coffee shop idea and she suggested we talk to the worship leader at the church. We did just that, and met her for lunch yesterday. It was good and fun, and more comfortable than I expected, but also kind of funny.
Oddly enough, she and I do the same job. We are both nannies! And as funny as that was it was even weirder when we realized that our husbands do the same job, for the same company! So we had a good laugh about that! It's strange when things like that happen, but also nice, it gives common ground, a place where we can go okay I know where you are coming from. I think it's so important to find common ground with people, a place to relate to and understand them.
We had a good time yesterday, and she was able to calm my fears and help me refocus on things. I'm no longer staring at the big picture going 'Oh my God, what are you getting me into!' But I am able to look at things and go, this is what we are doing this week, and next week will be this. I am so grateful that I was told to seek help from her, and even more grateful for the help she offered, because honestly it's kind of above and beyond what I expected. I am looking forward to the next time we get together, hopefully soon.
Luke 10:30-35
In reply Jesus said: “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. The next day he took out two denariie and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’
Oddly enough, she and I do the same job. We are both nannies! And as funny as that was it was even weirder when we realized that our husbands do the same job, for the same company! So we had a good laugh about that! It's strange when things like that happen, but also nice, it gives common ground, a place where we can go okay I know where you are coming from. I think it's so important to find common ground with people, a place to relate to and understand them.
We had a good time yesterday, and she was able to calm my fears and help me refocus on things. I'm no longer staring at the big picture going 'Oh my God, what are you getting me into!' But I am able to look at things and go, this is what we are doing this week, and next week will be this. I am so grateful that I was told to seek help from her, and even more grateful for the help she offered, because honestly it's kind of above and beyond what I expected. I am looking forward to the next time we get together, hopefully soon.
Luke 10:30-35
In reply Jesus said: “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. The next day he took out two denariie and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’
Friday, March 7, 2014
What Brought Me Here
I've been working on my short stories a lot lately to get them ready for publication, hopefully by the end of this month , and still trying to work on stuff for the coffee shop, and my regular job and housework. I was thinking about all of this on my drive into work this morning. So much work, and so much responsibility. That's pretty much been my life since I was twelve though. I had to learn at a young age how to handle and balance a life full of responsibility.
This is true for lots of people though, and to be honest, I am glad that I have had so much responsibility since such a young age. I didn't handle it well in the beginning, I met my responsibilities, but I also had my own secret rebellion where I started drinking and smoking cigarettes at a dangerously young age. I didn't know how to handle having adulthood thrust upon me at twelve, but I knew I couldn't be selfish about it I had a family who was depending on me, so I stepped up and did what I was supposed to, but whenever I could I was doing those harmful things to my body.
That's where depression started for me, and now as an adult, 14 years later I am starting to feel that I am getting back control on my life, that I am truly in my soul happy again. I think I will always feel responsible for a lot, and I am pretty sure I will always have a lot to handle, but I can handle it now. I quit smoking over 5 years ago now, I still drink, but it's controlled now, I'm not getting drunk every chance I get now. I've learned balance in my life and that it is actually okay to make myself happy.
A big part of what brought all these changes about for me was my husband. I thought about this as I drove into work today. Before I met him my life was pretty much just my responsibilities, and getting fall down drunk after work on Friday and Saturday nights, then church all day Sunday. See, I wanted a relationship with God, I knew I needed Him, but I didn't know how to merge my desire to have Him and my lifestyle. I wasn't happy in that life, I was miserable and wanted to die, but I had responsibilities and people who depended on me so I kept pushing through not expecting anything to change.
Then I met my husband, he told me in no uncertain terms I was killing myself, and I knew he was right because it was what I wanted. In the last five years with his help, and a new stronger relationship with God, I am getting better. I still take way too much on sometimes, but I am better at realizing when this is. I still have a lot of responsibility, but I like it now, because I chose it. I guess the point I am getting at here is, we can have a lot of stuff going on in our life, but we can still be happy. Nick taught me that, he taught me how to have fun, and he restored my hope in the future, he helped me rebuild my relationship with God, and all without even trying, without even knowing he did it.
As I look back I am grateful for too much responsibility as a child because it made me a strong adult who can handle a lot. I am grateful for the mistakes I made because I learned from them. I am grateful to God for loving me when I was unlovable and putting Nick and I on the same path. God knew what I needed to be whole and prepared me more than I could have imagined for life as an adult. Through all my mistakes, I can see God's hands, and thanks to all I have been through I have learned to trust Him without doubt or fear.
Ezra 10:4
Rise up; this matter is in your hands. We will support you, so take courage and do it.
This is true for lots of people though, and to be honest, I am glad that I have had so much responsibility since such a young age. I didn't handle it well in the beginning, I met my responsibilities, but I also had my own secret rebellion where I started drinking and smoking cigarettes at a dangerously young age. I didn't know how to handle having adulthood thrust upon me at twelve, but I knew I couldn't be selfish about it I had a family who was depending on me, so I stepped up and did what I was supposed to, but whenever I could I was doing those harmful things to my body.
That's where depression started for me, and now as an adult, 14 years later I am starting to feel that I am getting back control on my life, that I am truly in my soul happy again. I think I will always feel responsible for a lot, and I am pretty sure I will always have a lot to handle, but I can handle it now. I quit smoking over 5 years ago now, I still drink, but it's controlled now, I'm not getting drunk every chance I get now. I've learned balance in my life and that it is actually okay to make myself happy.
A big part of what brought all these changes about for me was my husband. I thought about this as I drove into work today. Before I met him my life was pretty much just my responsibilities, and getting fall down drunk after work on Friday and Saturday nights, then church all day Sunday. See, I wanted a relationship with God, I knew I needed Him, but I didn't know how to merge my desire to have Him and my lifestyle. I wasn't happy in that life, I was miserable and wanted to die, but I had responsibilities and people who depended on me so I kept pushing through not expecting anything to change.
Then I met my husband, he told me in no uncertain terms I was killing myself, and I knew he was right because it was what I wanted. In the last five years with his help, and a new stronger relationship with God, I am getting better. I still take way too much on sometimes, but I am better at realizing when this is. I still have a lot of responsibility, but I like it now, because I chose it. I guess the point I am getting at here is, we can have a lot of stuff going on in our life, but we can still be happy. Nick taught me that, he taught me how to have fun, and he restored my hope in the future, he helped me rebuild my relationship with God, and all without even trying, without even knowing he did it.
As I look back I am grateful for too much responsibility as a child because it made me a strong adult who can handle a lot. I am grateful for the mistakes I made because I learned from them. I am grateful to God for loving me when I was unlovable and putting Nick and I on the same path. God knew what I needed to be whole and prepared me more than I could have imagined for life as an adult. Through all my mistakes, I can see God's hands, and thanks to all I have been through I have learned to trust Him without doubt or fear.
Ezra 10:4
Rise up; this matter is in your hands. We will support you, so take courage and do it.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Growth
Everyday is a new chance and if we are willing to let go of yesterday we have the opportunity for great things today. I had a very long tough day yesterday, but that doesn't mean today has to be the same way. Taking care of infants can be very challenging somedays, like yesterday, because they can be upset, or sick, or just over tired, but they can't tell us. It makes for a long exhausting day; trying everything you know how to do to make them comfortable. After all of that, I was very tired yesterday when I left work, but today is a new day and a beautiful morning! I'm hoping my little ones are feeling better today, but even if they are not it's okay, we all have bad days. At least I know most days are better!
I had an interesting thought as I struggled yesterday to figure out what I could do to make things better, I thought about how much I desired for the precious souls in my care to be happy, to be comfortable, and healthy. I thought about how that's exactly what God wants and feels for us. We are His precious ones, and He desires those same things for us. But we have an advantage over infants, we can tell our Father what's making us uncomfortable. That doesn't mean God is going to take it away though, just like with my little ones. I know that my dear little charges don't like tummy time, it's uncomfortable and hard for them to hold their heads up for long periods right now, but I make sure they do it everyday anyway, because in the end it will make them strong, sometimes God does that with us too.
The point of that is, sometimes we need to be uncomfortable, we need to get frustrated, so we can grow as individuals. And God as a loving care giver allows frustration, and uncomfortableness in our lives for that reason. Yesterday my babies were uncomfortable, and I was frustrated because I didn't know how to help. But they grew, they learned that I will do what I can for them and that they can trust their caregiver, and I learned I can be frustrated, but I can also accept that sometimes I can't do anything but accept what's happening is out of my control, a tough lesson for me. So, armed with lessons from yesterday and a positive attitude about today, I'm ready to praise God, and spread love!
Hebrews 5:8
Son though he was, he learned obedience from what he suffered.
I had an interesting thought as I struggled yesterday to figure out what I could do to make things better, I thought about how much I desired for the precious souls in my care to be happy, to be comfortable, and healthy. I thought about how that's exactly what God wants and feels for us. We are His precious ones, and He desires those same things for us. But we have an advantage over infants, we can tell our Father what's making us uncomfortable. That doesn't mean God is going to take it away though, just like with my little ones. I know that my dear little charges don't like tummy time, it's uncomfortable and hard for them to hold their heads up for long periods right now, but I make sure they do it everyday anyway, because in the end it will make them strong, sometimes God does that with us too.
The point of that is, sometimes we need to be uncomfortable, we need to get frustrated, so we can grow as individuals. And God as a loving care giver allows frustration, and uncomfortableness in our lives for that reason. Yesterday my babies were uncomfortable, and I was frustrated because I didn't know how to help. But they grew, they learned that I will do what I can for them and that they can trust their caregiver, and I learned I can be frustrated, but I can also accept that sometimes I can't do anything but accept what's happening is out of my control, a tough lesson for me. So, armed with lessons from yesterday and a positive attitude about today, I'm ready to praise God, and spread love!
Hebrews 5:8
Son though he was, he learned obedience from what he suffered.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Today is a Good Day to Live
When I was in my teens and early twenties I used to wake up everyday and pray 'Lord today is a good day to die, but if it not be your will give me strength to get through another day.' Obviously, it was not His will. I've thought about that prayer often, and I now that I am finally getting better, finally starting to feel like I can and will beat this depression and anxiety, I am grateful. I am grateful for His will over mine.
I thank God that during those dark times in my life I was never able to end things the way I wanted to and for the man He gave me to, not because Nick made me into a better or happier person, but because Nick gave me a reason to hope for a happier future and a reason to try to be a better and happier person. I used to be sad, and angry all the time, anyone that knew me before I met my husband would tell you so. The depression at that time in my life was so thick that it tainted every relationship and aspect of my life. I still battle depression daily, but it's getting less severe and my downward spirals are happening less often. For the most part I am a pretty up beat and positive person now, most who know me now would probably say I'm an optimist.
Since I met him I have been happier than I have been since I was a little girl. Having someone in my life who makes me feel good about me and helps me to grow in my relationship with the Lord has given me back my hope, and hope makes me believe that life is worth living. I feel safe with him, and his love makes me brave in a lot of ways. And when I really think about what I just wrote there, isn't that exactly what love is supposed to do? Isn't that a reflection of the love God has for us? In 1 John 4:18 it says 'There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.'
I am realizing now as I grow closer to the Father that in my desperate prayer I was never really begging for death, but begging to know I had a purpose, 'if it not be your will give me strength to get through another day.' I said those words everyday believing the Father would take me if He didn't still have a purpose for me, but if He did still have a plan for my life I just had to keep going on until it was revealed to me. I needed His confirmation that I was still enduring for a reason because at that time I was very lost, very alone, and very broken, I didn't see that my life had value, but I trusted that if God was allowing me to continue on it must have value or purpose to Him.
I believe I am on my way, I believe I am on the right path to finding what His will is for my life, and I think I want to re-introduce my former prayer, but in a more positive way. 'God, today is a good day to live. Give me grace to live it according to your will. Amen'
Romans 8:26
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.
Psalm 37:23-24
I thank God that during those dark times in my life I was never able to end things the way I wanted to and for the man He gave me to, not because Nick made me into a better or happier person, but because Nick gave me a reason to hope for a happier future and a reason to try to be a better and happier person. I used to be sad, and angry all the time, anyone that knew me before I met my husband would tell you so. The depression at that time in my life was so thick that it tainted every relationship and aspect of my life. I still battle depression daily, but it's getting less severe and my downward spirals are happening less often. For the most part I am a pretty up beat and positive person now, most who know me now would probably say I'm an optimist.
Since I met him I have been happier than I have been since I was a little girl. Having someone in my life who makes me feel good about me and helps me to grow in my relationship with the Lord has given me back my hope, and hope makes me believe that life is worth living. I feel safe with him, and his love makes me brave in a lot of ways. And when I really think about what I just wrote there, isn't that exactly what love is supposed to do? Isn't that a reflection of the love God has for us? In 1 John 4:18 it says 'There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.'
I am realizing now as I grow closer to the Father that in my desperate prayer I was never really begging for death, but begging to know I had a purpose, 'if it not be your will give me strength to get through another day.' I said those words everyday believing the Father would take me if He didn't still have a purpose for me, but if He did still have a plan for my life I just had to keep going on until it was revealed to me. I needed His confirmation that I was still enduring for a reason because at that time I was very lost, very alone, and very broken, I didn't see that my life had value, but I trusted that if God was allowing me to continue on it must have value or purpose to Him.
I believe I am on my way, I believe I am on the right path to finding what His will is for my life, and I think I want to re-introduce my former prayer, but in a more positive way. 'God, today is a good day to live. Give me grace to live it according to your will. Amen'
Romans 8:26
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.
Psalm 37:23-24
23 The Lord makes firm the steps
of the one who delights in him;
24 though he may stumble, he will not fall,
for the Lord upholds him with his hand.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
I Don't See It
Sometimes people see things in you that you don't see yourself. Yesterday, I was talking with my family about the books I am working on, both my collection of short stories to be published later this month and eventually my novel. When I said that I didn't expect a whole lot out of it, but hope it does well enough that I can make a little off of it my family was surprised, they seems to expect it do very well.
Their confidence in me surprises me. Especially my husband. Not that he isn't supportive, he always is, he's just very grounded and practical, less of a dreamer than I am. But he really seems to believe in my abilities as a writer and has been a huge help to me as I type the final drafts of my short stories. He is always telling me how proud he is, and how impressed he is with me. He has been amazingly encouraging, as has the rest of my family, and my employers.
I don't know what other people see in me, I couldn't even guess, but people believe in me and I find it kind of shocked by it actually. My dad, yesterday, really seemed to think that this writing thing I'm trying could lead to something for me, and my mother in law seems to feel the same. I feel blessed to have so many supporting me. But I honestly wonder if I deserve it. I had teachers in school who really believed in me as a writer, and I didn't understand that either. But, its always what I have loved to do.
I may not see what my family does, I don't think I'm anything special at all, but people around seem to. I don't know, I guess I'm just trying to make sense of it this morning because I woke up wondering, why do they think I can do this? What makes them think that I am good enough to be recognized? I'm not giving up, far from it. I will be published, I will make a living writing. But I can't help but wonder if I deserve the confidence I have received from the people around me. I suppose only time will tell.
1 Samuel 16:7
But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."
Their confidence in me surprises me. Especially my husband. Not that he isn't supportive, he always is, he's just very grounded and practical, less of a dreamer than I am. But he really seems to believe in my abilities as a writer and has been a huge help to me as I type the final drafts of my short stories. He is always telling me how proud he is, and how impressed he is with me. He has been amazingly encouraging, as has the rest of my family, and my employers.
I don't know what other people see in me, I couldn't even guess, but people believe in me and I find it kind of shocked by it actually. My dad, yesterday, really seemed to think that this writing thing I'm trying could lead to something for me, and my mother in law seems to feel the same. I feel blessed to have so many supporting me. But I honestly wonder if I deserve it. I had teachers in school who really believed in me as a writer, and I didn't understand that either. But, its always what I have loved to do.
I may not see what my family does, I don't think I'm anything special at all, but people around seem to. I don't know, I guess I'm just trying to make sense of it this morning because I woke up wondering, why do they think I can do this? What makes them think that I am good enough to be recognized? I'm not giving up, far from it. I will be published, I will make a living writing. But I can't help but wonder if I deserve the confidence I have received from the people around me. I suppose only time will tell.
1 Samuel 16:7
But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Just thinking things out
Sitting in the quiet with my thoughts before anyone else is up is often my favorite way to spend a Saturday morning, or any morning really. I enjoy quiet time to read and reflect, it's nice to be alone with God. This morning we stayed home from church, and its snowing again. Nick is sleeping and I am reading and thinking about the coffee shop. My mind is pretty much fixated there lately, it's either the shop or my book. I'm really curious to see where these things are going to lead.
I believe the coffee shop is going to do well in the long run, but I think the first couple years are going to be tough. And I honestly don't know how my book will go, but I hope well. By well I should clarify I don't expect to make a fortune as a writer, I just hope to help support my income. I would really like to see this blog and my books help me to support my family. I have a job that pays well, but opening a store means Nick will be quitting his job and as we may not have any income from the store right away I think it's important that we do what we can to get ahead now, and have things in place to help with the income when we get to that point.
One big thing I know right now that I need to do is quit spending. I don't go crazy or anything but lately I have made a bunch of little purchases that weren't really neccasary, I bought stuff just because I could. It's a bad habit I get into whenever I'm nervous. It's retail therapy on a small scale. It's the things like driving home from work and stopping somewhere and picking up a soda, I don't need it, I have soda at home. But I do it anyway, wasting money that I actually need, just to get that shopping high. Or like last week, I bought a dress. It was only $17, but I didn't need it.
I think I am going to start not carrying more than $20 on me again as a way to curb my spending. I am going to get myself undercontrol, so I can really build for the future.
Proverbs 16:32
Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self control than one who takes the city.
I believe the coffee shop is going to do well in the long run, but I think the first couple years are going to be tough. And I honestly don't know how my book will go, but I hope well. By well I should clarify I don't expect to make a fortune as a writer, I just hope to help support my income. I would really like to see this blog and my books help me to support my family. I have a job that pays well, but opening a store means Nick will be quitting his job and as we may not have any income from the store right away I think it's important that we do what we can to get ahead now, and have things in place to help with the income when we get to that point.
One big thing I know right now that I need to do is quit spending. I don't go crazy or anything but lately I have made a bunch of little purchases that weren't really neccasary, I bought stuff just because I could. It's a bad habit I get into whenever I'm nervous. It's retail therapy on a small scale. It's the things like driving home from work and stopping somewhere and picking up a soda, I don't need it, I have soda at home. But I do it anyway, wasting money that I actually need, just to get that shopping high. Or like last week, I bought a dress. It was only $17, but I didn't need it.
I think I am going to start not carrying more than $20 on me again as a way to curb my spending. I am going to get myself undercontrol, so I can really build for the future.
Proverbs 16:32
Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self control than one who takes the city.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Natures Hold
Today is the first day it's warm enough in months to go for hike. It'll just be a short one but its so needed. The outdoors, the woods specifically, have always been where I feel my best. Something about being in the middle of nowhere, all alone with God, my thoughts, and my soulmate. It's more powerful than a revival service to me. It's worship in a bare bones state.
I have had a love affair with nature since I was child, I am just simply drawn to it. The best memories from childhood are those where I was walking or playing in the woods with my family and friends or camping. And even as an adult, my favorite times are the times I spend in the woods. It was my refuge in my teens years, when things got crazy and I needed to escape from my town, I would go for a short walk and end up in the woods on the edge of town. It's always been the best place for me to think. To clear my mind and refocus things. Life is better when I am able to get outside and free my mind.
I am so ready for this! Time to worship.
John 4:24
God is Spirit, and his worshippers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.
I have had a love affair with nature since I was child, I am just simply drawn to it. The best memories from childhood are those where I was walking or playing in the woods with my family and friends or camping. And even as an adult, my favorite times are the times I spend in the woods. It was my refuge in my teens years, when things got crazy and I needed to escape from my town, I would go for a short walk and end up in the woods on the edge of town. It's always been the best place for me to think. To clear my mind and refocus things. Life is better when I am able to get outside and free my mind.
I am so ready for this! Time to worship.
John 4:24
God is Spirit, and his worshippers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.
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