Today is a Good Day to Live

     When I was in my teens and early twenties I used to wake up everyday and pray 'Lord today is a good day to die, but if it not be your will give me strength to get through another day.' Obviously, it was not His will. I've thought about that prayer often, and I now that I am finally getting better, finally starting to feel like I can and will beat this depression and anxiety, I am grateful. I am grateful for His will over mine.
     I thank God that during those dark times in my life I was never able to end things the way I wanted to and for the man He gave me to, not because Nick made me into a better or happier person, but because Nick gave me a reason to hope for a happier future and a reason to try to be a better and happier person. I used to be sad, and angry all the time, anyone that knew me before I met my husband would tell you so. The depression at that time in my life was so thick that it tainted every relationship and aspect of my life. I still battle depression daily, but it's getting less severe and my downward spirals are happening less often. For the most part I am a pretty up beat and positive person now, most who know me now would probably say I'm an optimist.
     Since I met him I have been happier than I have been since I was a little girl. Having someone in my life who makes me feel good about me and helps me to grow in my relationship with the Lord has given me back my hope, and hope makes me believe that life is worth living. I feel safe with him, and his love makes me brave in a lot of ways. And when I really think about what I just wrote there, isn't that exactly what love is supposed to do? Isn't that a reflection of the love God has for us? In 1 John 4:18 it says 'There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.'
          I am realizing now as I grow closer to the Father that in my desperate prayer I was never really begging for death, but begging to know I had a purpose, 'if it not be your will give me strength to get through another day.' I said those words everyday believing the Father would take me if He didn't still have a purpose for me, but if He did still have a plan for my life I just had to  keep going on until it was revealed to me. I needed His confirmation that I was still enduring for a reason because at that time I was very lost, very alone, and very broken, I didn't see that my life had value, but I trusted that if God was allowing me to continue on it must have value or purpose to Him.
     I believe I am on my way, I believe I am on the right path to finding what His will is for my life, and I think I want to re-introduce my former prayer, but in a more positive way. 'God, today is a good day to live. Give me grace to live it according to your will. Amen'

Romans 8:26
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.

Psalm 37:23-24

23 The Lord makes firm the steps

of the one who delights in him;

24 though he may stumble, he will not fall,

for the Lord upholds him with his hand.