I've been working on my short stories a lot lately to get them ready for publication, hopefully by the end of this month , and still trying to work on stuff for the coffee shop, and my regular job and housework. I was thinking about all of this on my drive into work this morning. So much work, and so much responsibility. That's pretty much been my life since I was twelve though. I had to learn at a young age how to handle and balance a life full of responsibility.
This is true for lots of people though, and to be honest, I am glad that I have had so much responsibility since such a young age. I didn't handle it well in the beginning, I met my responsibilities, but I also had my own secret rebellion where I started drinking and smoking cigarettes at a dangerously young age. I didn't know how to handle having adulthood thrust upon me at twelve, but I knew I couldn't be selfish about it I had a family who was depending on me, so I stepped up and did what I was supposed to, but whenever I could I was doing those harmful things to my body.
That's where depression started for me, and now as an adult, 14 years later I am starting to feel that I am getting back control on my life, that I am truly in my soul happy again. I think I will always feel responsible for a lot, and I am pretty sure I will always have a lot to handle, but I can handle it now. I quit smoking over 5 years ago now, I still drink, but it's controlled now, I'm not getting drunk every chance I get now. I've learned balance in my life and that it is actually okay to make myself happy.
A big part of what brought all these changes about for me was my husband. I thought about this as I drove into work today. Before I met him my life was pretty much just my responsibilities, and getting fall down drunk after work on Friday and Saturday nights, then church all day Sunday. See, I wanted a relationship with God, I knew I needed Him, but I didn't know how to merge my desire to have Him and my lifestyle. I wasn't happy in that life, I was miserable and wanted to die, but I had responsibilities and people who depended on me so I kept pushing through not expecting anything to change.
Then I met my husband, he told me in no uncertain terms I was killing myself, and I knew he was right because it was what I wanted. In the last five years with his help, and a new stronger relationship with God, I am getting better. I still take way too much on sometimes, but I am better at realizing when this is. I still have a lot of responsibility, but I like it now, because I chose it. I guess the point I am getting at here is, we can have a lot of stuff going on in our life, but we can still be happy. Nick taught me that, he taught me how to have fun, and he restored my hope in the future, he helped me rebuild my relationship with God, and all without even trying, without even knowing he did it.
As I look back I am grateful for too much responsibility as a child because it made me a strong adult who can handle a lot. I am grateful for the mistakes I made because I learned from them. I am grateful to God for loving me when I was unlovable and putting Nick and I on the same path. God knew what I needed to be whole and prepared me more than I could have imagined for life as an adult. Through all my mistakes, I can see God's hands, and thanks to all I have been through I have learned to trust Him without doubt or fear.
Ezra 10:4
Rise up; this matter is in your hands. We will support you, so take courage and do it.
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