This is obviously my 100th blog post, and I had planned to do something special. I had planned that I would write something special. But instead I am finding that my plans are being interrupted by my mind and I am having a hard time focusing on what I planned on doing, and what I should be doing. Instead, I am irrated. I keep playing my frustrations over something, and conversations in my head over and over again.
It's like its on a repeating loop and its driving me crazy. Making me more upset, more anxious, causing me to lose focus, and even making me sick to my stomach. I wake up like this everyday, but I take immediate action to slow it and control it. Not everyday does it work though, and when it doesn't I can't give in or give up, though it would be easier. Instead, I have to work harder, try harder, and do the things I don't feel like doing because I know in the end they will help me to feel better and make me happier.
My usual routine for combating the craziness in my brain is to wake up and pray, not out loud because my husband is sleeping next to me but in my head and heart, I usually browse google+ and Facebook while I have this quiet, internal conversation with God. I see how my friends are and if there is a concern I pray for it. This typically is not enough to get my head straight though, so after this I get into my morning routine of getting ready for work. I usually talk with God through this whole process, but it's often very difficult to focus at this time because of the chaos on my head.
After this I write a note to my husband, sometimes it's nice and sweet and loving, other times its important stuff, and sometimes it's me babbling on. The note serves two purposes, one is to make my husband feel good, to let him know I am thinking about him and I love him, the other is to force myself to focus. And specifically to force myself outside of my head. I don't know what it's like for everybody with anxiety, but for me the more I focus inwardly; on the chaos; the worse it gets, so I use the note to channel my focus away from the craziness. Writing is one of the best tools I have, and I know that's not true for everyone, but it's what works for me. Everyday I write, and ususlly several times a day. I write a note to my husband, I write this blog, I write stories, I write diary entries, and letters to God.
I also exercise everyday, I do yoga, crunches, and lift 10 pound weights. And now that the weather is starting to warm up my husband and I will be hiking again, we usually go once a week and do 4-7 miles. There are other little things I've learned to do too, but they've become so natural to me know that I do them without thinking. Like eating healthy foods, smiling a lot, keeping my hands busy, the list goes on.
My point in writing this today is, that I know and understand that living with anxiety is hard. But it can get better. Everyday isn't perfect for me, I fail sometimes at making myself better, but I have learned that if I really want it to get better, if I really want to be happy and enjoy life that I need to make coping and combating anxiety a lifestyle. I need to celebrate the small victories like 'wow it's been 3 days since I cried for no reason or lost my temper.' I need to make a conscious effort EVERYTIME that I feel anxious, to do something to feel good.
In the beginning it was really hard, and I'd give up often and feel very discouraged. But I woke up one day and as I was talking to God and watching Joel Osteen I heard Joel talking about breaking cycles. This was a wake up call for me, because it was a cycle and is a cycle. A vicious cycle of terrible heart break. I listened to him talk about the powers of words and speaking defeat over our lives, and God's love and promises. I decided then I didn't want to live in this cycle anymore, I decided that I wanted to walk into God's victory. But the devil doesn't want to see this happen, he wants me to stay broken and give up, so he attacks me and tries to cause me to lose my focus, especially when I've been doing well for a while. But I know if I keep working on it, trusting God, and being positive that I WILL break these chains. God intended for me to have a life of happiness, and I am finally in agreement with Him and willing to do what I have too to get it. Happiness is a choice we make everyday, moment by moment. Anxiety can break you, or you can break the cycle.
Proverbs 12:25
Anxiety weighs down a heart, but a kind word cheers it up.
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