Black Sheep

     I have always felt like a misfit, and really I still do. I never felt like I fit in with my peers when I was in school, or even with my family. I love my family don't get me wrong, and I know anyone of them would take a bullet for me, but I don't think any of them has ever really understood me. And the older I get the more I feel this way, the more I feel like I don't fit in.
     Other than my husband and one special friend I made and lost long ago, I have never really met anyone who really understood me. And I think that's part of why I have trouble making and keeping friends. I keep people at a distance in general now, and it's because I just assume they won't understand me. So to keep from getting hurt and disappointed again I put up walls and barriers to keep other people out. But it really just contributes to the problem, it keeps me the misfit and the black sheep.
       By locking people out and not putting in the effort to get to know people and allow them to know me, I never give anyone the chance to understand. Even people I should feel safe letting in, my family and people from church, I am honestly terrified to let them see and know the real me. I feel like I will always be the black sheep, I feel like I will always be a misfit looking for someone who understands. And as long as I keep people at a distance this will be true.
        For a long time now I have been praying for friends for my husband and myself. A couple who shares our interest and we can enjoy being around and doing stuff with, and now there is an opportunity for it, but every time I think about trying to do something to connect with them, or think of something to start a conversation I chicken out. I start listening to the voices of doubt and fear telling me it won't work out, that I am bother, that they will trash talk me behind my back, that I'm annoying them, and that I will always be a misfit.
      I know a lot of people have or probably do feel like this at some point or another. Fear is powerful, especially fear of rejection and hurt. It hurts when we can't connect with people, and it's lonely. So to get past it I have to decide to stand up to my fears of rejection and make myself vulnerable to some hurt. Even if I always end up the misfit, at least I'll have tried. And I know my husband will always be with me, I have at least one person who understands me here on earth.

Job 28:12
But where can wisdom be found? Where does understanding dwell?