I used to be known for having a very bad temper, for being quick to react and fly off the handles, often aggressively in words and sometimes physically, which I'm really not proud of. I was prone to rages, and sometimes for reasons I wasn't even sure of. But since then I've learned to control my temper and talk things through. My husband and my relationship with God have been a big part of why I am now able to stay calm now.
Early in our relationship I warned Nick that I had a bad and sometimes aggressive temper, and he warned me that the kind of behavior I described to him was not acceptable if we were going to have a relationship. He wasn't mean or threatening or anything like that when he said it, he was simply expressing that he wasn't going to indulge me in my temper tantrums. And honestly, I was okay with that and respected him more because of it. Put like that I totally saw his point, I work with children and I don't indulge them in their tantrums either, in fact I walk away until they calm down, so I understood where he was coming from, no one wants to deal with someone who is angry and irrational. But as we spent just about all of our time together, I had to get creative on how to control my temper and rages, how to prevent them before they started.
It's been over six years since then, and in that time I've probably lost control of my temper maybe a half a dozen times, which is amazing considering I used to be a live wire. It started with just wanting to control it for his sake because the yelling, screaming, and throwing things made him uncomfortable, but then I discovered something about myself. I found I liked peace, harmony made me feel better, healthier even, so I started to use my techniques all the time not just when he was around, and now I'm going to share them.
It started out with whenever I would get mad or upset instead of flying off the handles and throwing a fit right away I would start talking myself down instead, saying calming things like 'It's going to be okay.' Then, mentally I would just go over the situation from EVERYONE'S position, because I realized that once you start putting yourself in the other person's shoes you are a lot less likely to yell at them, putting into real life action the words found at Proverbs 15:1 'A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger'. When you have compassion and empathy for the person you are angry at you will find that your whole approach to the argument is different and typically so is their response to you because of the love and compassion you are showing. After that I might still be angry but at least then I am enough calm enough to talk about the situation.
I'm a firm believer in dealing with issues, of talking them through because I've learned that bottling things up only leads to a bigger explosion later. We have even developed a way to handle intense discussions without me losing my cool. I was honest with him and told him there may be times when I just simply need a break if we were going to avoid fighting, so we take one when we need to. When it gets too stressful in the conversation we just take a break and come back to it later. And it seems to almost always work, we also have a phrase my husband uses when I'm getting too, shall we say excitable, during a discussion. He will ask me directly but kindly, "do you want to fight about this?" As soon as he ask this question it makes me think 'is this topic or point I'm trying to make so important to me that I would disrupt our peace for it?' Usually it's a no, but there's been a time or two when I was asked that question and said yes. The interesting thing is, because peace is so important to both of us that when I answer 'Yes, I'll fight about this,' he'll back down on his position. I know this, but I don't take advantage of it. It has to be really important to me before I will say I want to fight about it.
In my day to day life with others practicing putting myself in their position and talking kindly to myself or them is usually enough to keep me calm, but sometimes I still lose my cool, typically when driving. I'm still a work in progress, I'm still learning and I have found that God is greatly helping me in this area. Now when someone does something I think is stupid or dangerous, instead of getting mad, honking my horn, screaming, and cussing I pray for them. Then I thank God there wasn't an accident and move on. Sometimes I will still vent about it to someone else, but all in all I think I'm doing well and I've learned something really valuable. I learned it's not impossible to control a bad temper, and eventually it feels better to keep cool than it does to get fired up. I've learned that by leaning on God and looking at things from everyone's perspective I can still get my point across without being mean or loud. I've learned God's way is a lot better than mine.
Proverbs 15:18
A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel.
Proverbs 25:15
Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone.
Proverbs 29:11
A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.
Ephesians 4:31
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.
James 1:19-20
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
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